Young Writers Society

SweetMoments wrote:

An ocean of overwhelming violet,
Petals dusted across the star sprinkled plains,
Profound sapphire above our heads,
Slivers of moonlight create flickering shadows,
In incessant ecstasy of true friendship.

This part is my favourite part of this poem. This is really good. There isn't really much else to say. Well done.

Good job, very strong imagery. Maybe even a tiny bit too much, since it get a bit muddled in a few of the stanzas. To start, I really like the theme of the poem, since its very obscure, but painted very clearly for the reader in the title and the words of the poem. Yet it still is obscure. Very good, I like it.
If you want advice on improvment on this poem, you can take mine or not, but here it is:

Petals dusted across the star sprinkled plains,

This is the second line of the poem, and early on, you create imagry, that while very powerful, is confused because its difficult to say. This threw me off, and will do the same with most readers. The awekwardness of the line is in "star sprinkled plains," now, while I love the use of the word "sprinkled," I simply don't think it can work there. I'd suggest removing "sprinkled" and simply writing "starry plains,". Maybe I like that because it reminds me of Van Gough's "Starry Night", but that's just me. Anyway, changing this will help with the flow of the poem and make it easier on the reader, meaning that by taking away the description "sprinkled" the rest of your descriptions are mosr powerful and meaningful to the readers.

Another thing that I feel I have to mention is that you shouldn't be using commas at the end of each stanza. Sometimes you can, and I wasn't going to mention it at first, since it wasn't getting in the way at first, but near the end it causes so me conflict in meaning. I'd suggest simply using the proper grammical characters at the end of every line, whether a period, a comma, or nothing.

One line that I'd like to bring your attention to, simply because I love the description

Mottled splatters of paint strokes,

I really like the descriptive words used here, and all the repeated constients make it very attractive and bold ("Mottled splatters"). And "paint strokes" has a good amount of connotations and my eyes as an artist, and will with many readers.
This is a good example as any to use in showing that the commas really get in the way. When I see the comma there, I anticipate a space when saying the phrase out loud in my head.

Make the cobwebs hang dwindling,

This is the next line, and I'm not at all anticipating it, so my mind makes the description muddled. I feel that the comma somewhat ruined the description for me, since it wasn't at all powerful for me, and I didn't understand what it was saying.
That's another thing about the commas, they make the descriptions almost frustrating to read, in my opinion, and obscure what your words are saying, which isn't a good thing.

Anyways, I've gone long enough. It needs polishing here and there, but I'll like it a million times more if there aren't commas stopping me from reading the descriptions properly and if you change a few of the more awekward descriptions.

And don't be discouraged or anything, you did a really good job. Thinking back on the poem, its incredibly beautiul, and could bring tears to my eyes if the words you used could see their true potential.
Great writing, your wonderful with vocabulary and descriptive words and imagry! Please keep writing, I'd love to see more from you!

Well, it looks like Moon beat me to a full, comprehensive review, so this shouldn't be too long.

SweetMoments wrote:

An ocean of overwhelming violet,
Petals dusted across the starry plains. Great imagery in these first two lines.
Profound sapphire above our heads, This line does not seem to fit with the rhythm. Also, I'm not sure I like your use of "profound."
Slivers of moonlight create flickering shadows Again, does not seem to fit with the rhythm.
In incessant ecstasy of true friendship. Good. Very emotional.

Mottled splatters of paint strokes
Make the delicate cobwebs hang dwindling. I like the imagery here.
They die away in speckles of cinders, Not sure I like "speckles."
Lustrous, shimmering residue cascading to earth How about instead of "to" you say "the."
Flames flickering serenely in the dusk.

Blissful tunes packed with bashful faces I don't know about "bashful."
Flushing at the proposal of a dance.
In the eternal shade of reminiscence,
My ceaselessly ticking stopwatch, This line breaks the rhythm.
Aggravating time shattered to countless pieces.

Their faces are an indistinguishable façade, Excellent.
Malicious glints unseen to the naked eye Even more excellent.
Merely observed without rightly seeing. I don't know about this line. The rhythm is fine, but after the beauty of the previous lines, this sounds (forgive me) pretty pathetic.
One lone pair can look past
Their paper thin masks which they smirk behind. I am positive that you are able to write more colorful imagery for this line.

Seal your eyes to their antics,
For a single phrase that is mistaken
Can possibly put us in the wrong.
Never mind, since in these pieces of time Rework this line. I just don't like the wording.
And beyond we will everlastingly be equals.

This is incredible. Imagery, emotion, rhythm...the list of the traits it possesses goes on forever. Spectacular work! This really was a treat to read.

-Kafka

Absolutely fantastic imagery! Very emotional and a true sentimental poem (Though not in the usual sense). I love the layout you chose (most people, myself included, just keep the poem on the right side of the page without bothering to change the layout) That's why I liked that you centered it. For some reason, this helped me enjoy the poem better (not a clue why).
I guess it just caught my interest.

Well done!

Forever write! It's the best way to get out what you need to say.

-Makayla

Hi there! Sorry this took me a couple of days to get to but here I am Right! First off, I like your title. It's simple but interesting and it fits with the poem nicely so no problems there. However, I think the flow of your poem needs some work. At the moment you have a lot of beautiful imagery but it's too disjointed and there's not enough tone to the piece. Tone is where you find the emotion and the poetic voice and it's lacking a little here. I'll see if I can give some tips as I work through it a line at a time...

An ocean of overwhelming violet, [Okay so this first line is a fragment and passive. It's not a statement, there isn't action and in all honesty it's one of your weaker images. I don't like the use of overwhelming. It's a long word which makes flow difficulty and doesn't add any real feeling to the poem. Too much of that telling over showing. If you want to make the reader feel that the violet is overwhelming, flood your first few lines with the image of it.]
Petals dusted across the starry plains. [I like petals dusted. That's nice. I don't like starry plains though. It's not original enough and 'starry' is just generally over-used.]
Bottomless sapphire above our heads, [Another fragment and I fail to see the link between these images. You need to make them flow into one another more.]
Slivers of moonlight create flickering shadows
In incessant ecstasy of true friendship. [Too much of a mouthful. If you want any flow at all, you'll replace incessant and ectasy. Or you can maybe keep one but certainly not both.]

Mottled splatters of paint strokes [Again, a passive start to your stanza. There needs to be more tone and more aggression. For example, 'Strokes of paint; splatters/ And the delicate cobwebs dwindle, die/ In a litter of cinders'.]
Make the delicate cobwebs hang dwindling.
They die away in a litter of cinders,
Lustrous, shimmering residue cascading the earth [Too many descriptions. Choose which you use carefully and remember, every word should count in a poem. If a word isn't holding its weight, cut it.]
Flames flickering serenely in the dusk. [I like the alliteration. I like the serenely. However, flames and dusk... I think you could be a little more creative.]

Blissful tunes packed with withdrawn faces
Flushing at the proposal of a dance.
In the eternal shade of reminiscence, [Too flowery.]
The clock will ceaselessly tick illustrating [More punctuation. Comma before illustrating. Ceaselessly isn't the best choice of word.]
Aggravating time shattered to countless pieces. [Shatters suggests countless pieces and vice versa. Also, aggravating breaks the flow and shatters is just... not generally great. Maybe 'How time unravels like a spool of thread.' Except you can be more original of course ^^]

Their faces are an indistinguishable façade [You need punctuation at the end of this line.]
Malicious glints unseen to the naked eye.
Plunge blindly into their obscure trap,
One lone pair can look past
Their visor of slander and false smiles. [A little wordy and again fragmented but I like visor. Good word.]

Seal your eyes to their antics [Sometimes you shouldn't use a word of high register when a common one will do. Close would be better than seal. It makes your voice sound more colloquial, more friendly. It's easier for a reader to get on with/ drawn into a colloquial tone.]
For a single phrase that is mistaken,
Can possibly put us in the wrong.
Let pass their insufferable immaturity,
For despite them, we will everlastingly be equals. [Everlastingly isn't a great word. It would be more powerful to state: 'For despite them, we are equals.']

Alright. So I like this but there's a lot that feels rough and I think you should do a few exercises to work on tone and try to avoid those 'poetic' phrases. Some good imagery here though and I think it has potential. Let me know if you've got any questions or would like me to take another read,

Heather xx

Hey guys I got third place in the contest! Yay!