Young Writers Society

Creep slowly
eyes down waiting to
eat golden steel.
Cracked knuckles and teeth
made of wood.
Scars wind round carpals
blood pools in arches
seeping through cracks
of rocks
splitting and pushing and bending and snapping
skulls, vertebra
pressed.
Steel cables wind
down lights shining over bright foggy blue.
Horse hair whips like flies
like begets like
whispers beget whispers
“sh”
it will be okay.
Don’t look at me, i am
okay. I will be
okay.
Stacks and rows of people
in buildings
watching, papers shuffling hair behind
ears.
The golden gate bridge will always be there.

Wow!
That is just so awesome and INSIRATIONAL!
You've left alot to the imaginatio and I love that.
I love the flow of the whole thing.
xxx

Beautiful poem, loved how you used showing, not telling. The flow was superb, just watch your punctuation, grammer and all that because some of the 'I's were uncapitalised and other small things like that. And 'sh' should really have two 'h' making it 'shh'. But apart from that it's a very well written poem.

Keep writing,

~Crimsona

Drawers wrote:Creep slowly
eyes down waiting to
eat golden steel.
Cracked knuckles and teeth
made of wood. This imagery is good, it gives us a direct image of what you're talking about. Now, the problem where is that this is never expanded upon. So it basicly means nothing.
Scars wind round carpals
blood pools in arches
seeping through cracks
of rocks
splitting and pushing and bending and snapping Far too many verbs here. Get read of two. Leave your favorites and pushing and bending are roughly the same thing. Bending involves a form of pushing. But you also don't say what is doing these actins. Rocks can't bend. Skulls and vertebra can't bend either. They don't bend, they break or snap. And if they're splitting, they're breaking... Or snapping. Sooo.... I guess that leaves you with pushing and snapping. And if you want to include that bending idea, try adding a simile or a metaphor to expand this idea. Like pushing and snapping like a young branch of a maple tree. Branches from a young tree tend to bend more than just snapping.
skulls, vertebra
pressed.
Steel cables wind This is where a major problem comes into play. The imagery from here and down does not match the imagery above, which is okay. But there is no connection or transition from what is above to what is here. But the imagery in this half of the poem is good. I really like it.
down lights shining over bright foggy blue.
Horse hair whips like flies This is random and I have no idea where horses come into play here. Especially at the golden gate bridge.
like begets like Like begets? What's a beget? It's a cool idea but it doesn't work. Not with the word beget atleast. Try a more complex phrase. It might have a bit more room to bend.
whispers beget whispers
“sh”
it will be okay.
Don’t look at me, i am
okay. I will be
okay. What? Don't look at you? You'll be okay? This seems to come out of the blue because this is not hinted on anywhere else in the poem.
Stacks and rows of people
in buildings
watching, papers shuffling hair behind
ears.
The golden gate bridge will always be there.

Over all:
I didn't like the major lack of connection between ideas. And the lack of connection between what you currently have stated and what this could really be about. You have one connection, the last line, but I do feel that it's not enough. Just a few more, like one or two, would do this wonders.

And it would really help to give this imagery more of a purpose.

The lack of connections between ideas is like how you go from Whispers, to don't look at me, to rows of people and buildings to papers. I don't see the proper transition to these things. Nor do I see how they all connect to eachother.

Other than that, it was good.
Good luck, keep writing.
PM me with any concerns or ways to improve my reviews;
Silented1.

Drawers wrote:Creep slowly
eyes down waiting to
eat golden steel.
Cracked knuckles and teeth
made of wood.
All of this is beautiful language and beautiful imagery- but it isn't actually doing anything. Granted, this is poetry, and fragments are not only accepted but usually welcome. However, I do think that if you included this and added in some action, even if it's a state of being, it would create some more interest. As it is, it's purely description with nothing underneath it. And, since we don't actually know what's being described yet, we don't know how to envision it.

Scars wind round carpals
blood pools in arches
seeping through cracks
of rocks
splitting and pushing and bending and snapping
skulls, vertebra
pressed.
I think that you could have these stanza breaks, but I broke them up here so it was easier for me to read them, honestly.

Steel cables wind
down lights shining over bright foggy blue.
Horse hair whips like flies This line is a little confusing- you change from a singular to a plural. Maybe plural to plural? "
like begets like
whispers beget whispers
“sh” I feel like this could be a little stronger- maybe emphasize somehow? You could make it it's own stanza, so it's grammatically correct for all the dialog type stuff? Maybe put it all in italics?
it will be okay.
Don’t look at me, i am
okay. I will be
okay.

Stacks and rows of people
in buildings
watching, papers shuffling hair behind
ears.
The golden gate bridge will always be there.

So, overall: I really like this. It could be just because I grew up around the bridge and it's kind of a nostalgia for me, but I also think that you're doing really well with poetry. You should probably try to connect the ideas a bit more, because it would provide more context for your work, would make all the ideas appear as one simple, strong one in the reader's mind. Yes, they're all connected to the bridge, but how? Do they all touch? Do they interact? Right now, they're all separate elements and images of the bridge.

Your language itself is superb. I think that if you work on this a bit more, it would be breathtaking. You have a really unique way of describing and looking at things, which, in poetry, is fantastic and an amazing thing to have. In general, it's fantastic and amazing, but most especially in poetry.

Anyways- really great piece. I'm definitely looking forward to reading more from you.

-Coral-