I tried so hard to remember her. I would stare at that faded old photo on my bedside as if my life depended on it.
She was grinning, the wind blowing back her glossy blonde hair, her eyes sparkling beautifully in the sunlight. I stared into those eyes until my own eyes watered.
But the only way I could remember her properly was by watching Grandma’s videos, though Grandma herself couldn’t be in the same room while they were playing.
“Come to Mummy!” Her sweet voice whispered. “Come to Mummy! You can do it!”
Her laugh made me smile without even realising it, as baby me would stumble closer, grinning and laughing with her.
I was only three when she died and I couldn’t remember a time since then where I’d been as happy as that.
My name is Jessi Brook; though Brook is technically my mother’s last name. I’ve never known my father, and I would never want to either. See, as soon as my mum spilled the beans about her being pregnant with me, he never had another thing to do with her. Well. That’s the price you pay for one-night-stands!
She was such a party girl, my mum - Only sixteen when she gave birth to me. “But she would never give up her baby for anything,” Grandma told me. “When you were born she never went to another party. She didn’t want to. All she wanted was to stay home and look after her baby. She loved you so much, Jessi. I want you to remember that,” said Grandma, her voice cracking.
But the thing that was strangest to think about was the fact that she was sixteen when she gave birth to me. That means that she must have only been about fifteen when she’d lost her virginity! The same age as me!
But it was ok. At first. Because somehow my mother and I met again. Frankly, I don’t know how and I never will; it scares me to death when I think about it. She could take me back whenever she wants too and that scares me silly... but she came back. And she proved to me that my life is worth living...
And here I tell our story.
“Please don’t make me go school, Grandma! My throat is burning like crazy – and I feel so sick,”
I said, adding a few extra fake coughs while she felt my forehead.
“You look fine to me, love. Are you sure you’re not playing truant again? I thought you loved school!”
“Yeah, of course I love school!”
I said, trying to reassure myself as well as Grandma.
“I like my own company too, that’s why nobody ever comes round. They all like me, I just don’t like them, see.”
Ok. I was laying it on pretty thick now. I was totally desperate – Grandma was the only friend I had and I was so isolated…
“I just feel so sick, Grandma! Just one day off, that’s all I want.”
She wouldn’t let me though.
I hated my school more than ever, now that Mr Morris had gone off to work at a posh Private School. Mr Morris took me for English. He was so nice to me. Ok, he was nice to everyone; but he always seemed to like me best…
“Maths First,” I muttered, groaning, reading my timetable on the way to school.
When suddenly Siobhan and her little girl-gang rounded a corner.
“Ha ha! Jessi is talking to herself again, guys,”
said Kelly, laughing. “Got lost on the way to Saint George’s?”
“Where? Fuck off, I’m ill,” I muttered.
“It’s a mental hospital. And don’t you dare fucking swear at us, tramp,” Kelly shouted as I walked off.
God, they thought they were so hard, didn’t they?!
I'd always pretend to act all big and tough too; although inside, every day when I walked to school I felt sick to my stomach that something really bad will happen, one day. I've never truly known how my unpopularity started; but whatever. People didn't just not like me. People HATED me...
I truly didn't feel well.
I was sitting in maths when all of the numbers I had written began to wiggle around on my paper... I couldn't figure out maths anyway, but today...
"Mrs Price! I think.... Miss!" I yelled into the awkward Math-test silence.
Everybody looked my way.
And that's all I remember.
Part Two.
I began to stir, hearing everybody in my class mock me and taunt me.
"What a loser..."
"What in hell is she playing at?"
"Total attention-seeker or what?!"
Voices echoed painfully around my head, but then my surroundings seemed to buzz and I could feel things begin to change...
Their voices started to change, until they didn't make any sense.
"Oh... Bless this miracle!" came the echoey voice of a woman.
I still wasn't sure if I'd hit my head or not when I'd hit the ground; but God, I was in pain.
My eyes were still closed, as I'd decided it was probably not a good idea to open them just yet. But then I heard the woman breathlessly cry, "Are you okay? Oh, Jessi, breathe!"
That voice... that voice was not Mrs Price's and I knew it. But I still didn't open my eyes.
A cold, heart-wrenching pain suddenly seared right through me, and I gasped almost unknowingly. I was in so much pain that I could feel my body losing it's conciousness all over again.
"No! No! Jessi! Come back, my Jessi!" the woman's voice sobbed.
"Jessi, are you okay?" Grandma's sweet voice said, shearing through what was left of my dream.
Or what I percieved to be a dream.
"Grandma!" I opened my eyes at last and slung my arms clumsily around her neck. I never normally did things like that, but it felt good when I did. Right at that moment, it felt as though I had never even embraced another human being before.
"Grandma, I don't know what's happening too me, but something is!" I cried, clinging to her; but then I pulled back.
"I told you I didn't feel well," I said.
I tried to throw her a soulful, betrayed gaze, but I still felt strangely weak; so I fell back onto my bed instead, exhausted.
"Sorry, Jessi. You did look fine this morning..." she started doubtfully. "You just rest, my love. I did feel terrible when I had to pick me up from school... They told me what happened. Apparently you just fainted, and you were in a bit of a daze for a while... If you still feel this way tomorow, I shall call the doctor, okay, my sweet?" she said. "I'll be right downstairs if you need me for anything."
And then she left the room, shutting the door behind her.
I lay back down and just sighed sorrowfully. I wanted to weep, but I couldn't.
For the first time in my life, I truly felt simply HOPELESS.
No hope...
Everything always seemed to fall to pieces. I didn't know what had happened today and I didn't want to think about it. I knew I hadn't simply fainted, but whatever it was, I knew I had no control over it.
However, on top of this I felt as though some heavy burden had been lifted from my shoulders.
The weight of the world...
Geting lighter...
Brighter...
My head began to nod and I felt the same sensation as before. I started to get scared.
Lights behind my eyes began to flash ecstatically but I didn't dare open them. I knew; I just knew that I wasn't in my bedroom anymore. Something physical was happening and I was terrified...
"Jessi! Please, Jessi..."
A voice echoed in my head.
A FAMILIAR voice.
I strained to keep my eyes shut, but I could feel a tear emerge from the side of my eye almost of it's own accord.
NO.
This couldn't happen.
I knew what was happening.
But it couldn't. I was so certain that I was going insane.
NO, NO, NO.
"Jessi! it's me, sweetheart, and I don't have long..." her beautiul voice persisted.
And then, "Jessi!"
Worried, I opened my eyes without entirely meaning too.
"No! NO! NO!" This can't happen... this is impossible..." And I began to weep.
The gorgeous woman tilted her head, beautiully sparking eyes gazing at me softly...
Glossy blonde hair flowing back, seemingly windswept...
"You don't exist," I sobbed.
"I do, Jessi. I do. Please, listen. We don't have long..."
It was then that I properly focused on her, stuggling against what appeared to be a flourecent blue light. Light?
"What - What are you doing?" I asked, trying desperately to stop sobbing.
"This here; this light, it's what's keeping you safe up here, with me," She said, gasping and struggling against the light. "I guess you could call this a... Pathway to the afterlife!" She said, smiling slightly even against her struggle. I wanted to help her but I felt powerless. Lowly, crouching underneath her and her ethereal presence.
"Every second that I keep you up here using this light, I am automatically knocking off a day of my life. If life is what you would call it," she said, continuing to gasp.
"I am dead, and I can live. But this won't last forever..." She paused for just a second... a valuable second, and said, "You know that. You know that, right? Nothing lasts forever. It doesn't mean that you can't enjoy what you have right now... You know. You know that, right?"
"Of course."
She looked over at me and smiled, but very nearly toppled over.
"Oh, honey. You'll have to go soon," she said powerlessly.
I looked up at her, unable to say anything. I didn't want to loose her again, but I could tell that she was physically getting weaker.
There was one thing that I needed to know, above everything.
"Mummy. My Mummy." I said. She smiled.
"Why did you do what you did?" I murmured nervously. "You killed yourself. You left me."
And she began to cry, right there infront of me. It was such a surreal sight.
Here I was in a completely parallel universe, there where my dead mother was standing, weeping; forcing back some maginifcently powerful, yet almost invisible force. Growing older and weaker by the second.
And telling me why she left me; why she commited suicide.
She gazed at me for what felt like a long, long while; but what must have only been a few seconds, due to the raging, ever-growing force infront of her.
"I never wanted to leave you. Never never never. You gave me a reason for living. My life was a drunken haze half of the time. But I didn't know how to be good at anything else; all I was good for was... getting screwed over by people. Making a mess of life. Drinking, and taking drugs..." she said, weeping all over again.
She was like me. So much more like me than I'd thought.
When finally she turned towards me.
"I am sorry. I shouldn't be crying, not in front of you. You've made me so proud..." she said.
"I never meant to kill myself, I promise you that. I was so looking forward to watching you grow! You were the most beautiul thing ever, ever born." She smiled gorgeously at me, even through all her strain and tears.
"No, I promise. I never wanted to kill myself. I never meant to die. I felt down. Depressed. That was all. You had gone to sleep, and I was lonely. You weren't around to cheer me up. I only meant to take a few measly pills but..."
She started to waver. She was struggling greatly now.
"I need to led go. I have to let go, Jessi!"
"No! Don't go, Mum," I sobbed.
"I have to go, Jessi. Nothing lasts forever, but it doesn't mean you can't enjoy things while you have the chance," she said. "Goodbye, beautiful!"
"Oh, Goodbye, Mama. Mummy... My Mummy. I love you," I cried.
I wanted to keep on saying what I'd missed out on for 12 years. Mummy.
"Goddbye, Jessi. And remember. Your Mummy loved you. She always wanted you. And I still do! I love you."
I woke up in my bed with a start, but I wasn't sad. Finally, I knew what I'd always needed to know; something I'd kept hidden in my mind for most of my life. And I was happy. For the first time in a very, very long time.
I felt shaken. So, my Mother did love me. I always knew she did. But now I know for sure. Anything is possible.
And now it was up to me to live my life for my mother, as well as myself.
Now I know.
Life is worth living.
Thank you so, so, so much for reading
I'm sorry if you sort of lost the gist of the story. I was just so desperate to get my first story on here that I kind of rushed it! I'll take my take next time I also understnad that the storyline gets kind of pathetic too, But thank you so so so much again for reading it all and reviewing!!! xxxx 
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