remember when...

remember when
we stood on the pier,
looking out on the water;

remember when
you held my hand.
you whispered in my ear,
you said you loved me.

remember when,
you left me in the snow,
never turning back,
never to return again.

or so i thought..

remember when,
you came to the coffee shop where I was working and got down on your knees and asked me to marry you.
your face red from the cold, snow falling down just like the day you left.

remember when,
I said yes,
my heart soaring like a bird,
and then you broke my heart again....

remember me?
I remember you.
remember when?

Spoiler

so this is a poem i wrote after a book I read (that happens alot) so tell me what you think, i also took into account everyones reviews

NOTE: Perhaps you should capitalize the title.

pointe2drama wrote:remember when,
you held my hand.
you whispered in my ear,
you said you loved me.

remember when,
you left me in the snow,
never turning back,
never to return again. You already said 'never turning back', that makes the fourth line appear very repetitive.

or so i thought..

you came to the coffee shop where I was working and got down on your knees and asked me to marry you.

Maybe it's just me, but these two lines seem very odd in contrast to the rest of the poem. They just stand there on their own. And the second one is too long, format it and add it to the first to turn it into a stanza.

remember when,
I said yes,
and then you broke my heart again....

remember me?
I remember you.
remember when?

I'll admit, this last stanza is my favourite.

All in all, good job. Maybe you could just correct the little bits that I pointed out, but other than that this poem is fine.

TIGERSPRITE

Hello there.

I don't think you have any gramatical mistakes, so good job for that.

You came to the coffee shop where I was working,
and got down on one knee and asked me to marry you.

I just think it's sounds better if you say on one knee since it's normally what we say when we talk about proposals... Anyways, maybe it's just me.

Another thing that I would like to see is you capitalize whenever you change lines. I know, you don't have too... But I think it gives it a kind of look... If you understand what I'm saying, good. If not, well forget it.

This was a good poem. I don't know what book you read for this, but it seems like a good story.

Keep writing!

-Other One

pointe2drama wrote:Remember when,
you held my hand.
you whispered in my ear,
you said you loved me? I think you meant to end this as a question.

Remember when,
you left me in the snow,
never turning back,
never to return again?

Or so I thought..

You came to the coffee shop where I was working and got down on your knees and asked me to marry you.

Remember when,
I said yes,
and then you broke my heart again....

Remember me?
I remember you.
Remember when?

Spoiler

so this is a poem i wrote after a book I read (that happens alot) so tell me what you think

That was very sad. I kinda like it. You just forgot to capitalize an "I" and didn't capitalize when starting a new sentence... Remember to do that!
~Ladypurple.

Hello, so, first off, you need to capitolize "Remember When" In your title... So, here are my nit-picks... I wont piont out the caps errors, someone already has... I wont point out the other things others have pointed out either...

you came to the coffee shop where I was working and got down on your knees and asked me to marry you.

I think that this would be a lot better like this, you need to keep up the repeating of Remember when...

Remenber when
you came to the coffee shop
and got down on your knees
and asked me to marry you.

remember when,
I said yes,
and then you broke my heart again....

I would make this four lines, like the rest of the poem.

remember me?
I remember you.
remember when?

I would also make this four lines...

~Rain~

I really like this. I dont think it has much to work on at all. the moral is pretty simple and easy to understand. Remember when you broke my heart? Its not asking, it's stating and remembering the pain and loss you lost with a man you trusted.
very nice

Thanks for your reviews everyone!

Hey, point.

I'll be honest and say that I'm not sure how much help I'm going to be here because poems aren't my strong point when it comes to critiquing. I'll try my bets to help you out though! I'm hoping that I won't repeat anything that's already been said to you because it bugs me when I do that...

I'm not going to be all nit-picky, but one thing I will say is that your grammar was a little off at some points. Ladypurple seems to have pointed out all of the grammatical errors anyway, so I'd maybe consider editing the poem with the help of that nit-pick critique. Overall though, your grammar was pretty much fine. It was just the non-capitalised words that really caught my attention. Other than that, your grammar was pretty good. Also, like the others have said, I'd advise for you to capitalise the title too! xD

Okay, now what you have here is good. I'm very fond of the idea and I'm also fond of the simplicity of it. Now what I'd like you to do is elaborate on it; expand the poem. Throw in a few similes along with a metaphor or two. You've given us readers the basics of what happened, so now I'd love to see more of the details. Describe how these things felt; show the emotions. I like emotional poems, so I'm probably a bit more picky on this, but I reckon you should think about it.

How did it feel when the person had their heart broken? How did it feel when the two characters first met? You said that this was based on a story you read, so you've got some help! With the help of the author's descriptions, show us what the character's emotions were. If you throw in some imagery along the way, it will make the poem even better. What I'm basically trying to say is that you have the basics of the poem, so all that you need to do now is to take it one step further. Overall though, I do like this!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Hello I'm LastPaladin and I shall be your reviewer, this piece is all tell and never really show, you go on and on but never really establish any interest for the readers, instead you bore them with pointless repetition and tiresome cliches. Everything we've heard before is exhibited here and not even in an interesting way, it drones on and on, but it's same story we heard from better written poems.

Now to improve this cut the 'Remember me' and instead explain what happening, show us what's happening, don't just keep insisting remember me, when we've nothing memorable to remember, it kinda defeats the purpose. Think of it like this, you could use terrific imagery to really capture and convey your message, mindless repetition becomes boring very quickly.

And the overly long sentence is just irritating it just seems like you're lazy and couldn't explain it without doing a run on sentence and it doesn't even add to anything, instead it just seems thrown in there.

Overall, this doesn't impress me, it does the opposite and sadly I can't enjoy it, rewrite this with imagery and less repetition and I'd be willing to review it again.

Hope this helps.

Hey there, Point! Now, I'm going to try and be quick with this, but I'm going to try and help you make this the best it can be. There were some places that I liked, and there were some that were a bit iffy for me, but that's completely fine. So together, we're going to take this poem that has massive potential and make it into something great. Ready? During this review, be on the lookout for two major points of mine: Imagery and word choice. Let's dive in:

remember when, This comma is unnecessary...
you held my hand.
you whispered in my ear, Let's try changing this to a semi-colon! ;
you said you loved me.

Okay, so your first stanza brings us into a flashback where their love began to blossom. Now, I like the stanza and think it's cute, but I would love it much more if I could see the scene and feel their emotions. In other words, make me feel the love. Making this scene more vivid can be as simple as adding imagery to tell where they were when this happened. Were they standing by a creek in the rain? Were they on the beach? Standing in a garden? There are so many directions you could take this stanza to give the poem more of a solidified mood; imagery can take you there!

remember when, Just another unnecessary comma.
you left me in the snow? Question mark makes this more abrupt.
never turning back...
never to return again.

And here we have a drastic shift in the tone! This shift would be much more precise and effective if the stanza above had been given some sort of weather imagery like this stanza, by the use of 'snow'. That use of imagery, weather imagery, is particularly helpful (at least in my writing) because it can evoke a sense of warmth or coldness in the reader. Expound on this. Make it a tool in your belt.

or so i thought..

you came to the coffee shop where I was working.
you got down on one knees and asked me
to marry you.

So really, all I did here was add some line breaks to make it look poetic and gave it a sense of abruptness by changing 'and' to 'you'. Keep it if you like it; trash it if you don't. I like this stanza because it's a turning-point AGAIN for the reader. I'd suggest building this up even more by adding another stanza of a warm feeling.

remember when,
I said yes,
and then you broke my heart again....

Again, just add some imagery. Also, try to up your word choice here. This stanza comes across very weak as it is because it uses weak words. Beef it up; I know you can!

remember me?
I remember you.
remember when?

This final stanza could be much stronger, but I'm unsure how. I think it's the issuing of question-statement-question. Just try to beef this up to the best of your ability.

So all-in-all, I can't say much more. I'd really suggest beefing up what can be beefed up! You have a cute poem right now, but I want it to be beautiful. So that's my challenge to you, Point: make this beautiful; I know you can. PM me if you have any questions or comments, and especially when you update it.

-Lumiface

Hi, I like the way you started it but I think the poem lacks of description, I know it's not a story but for example in this line:

you came to the coffee shop where I was working and got down on your knees and asked me to marry you.

remember when,
I said yes,
and then you broke my heart again....

I mean how did the author of the poem feel when she got proposed, was it excitement, fear? You said the coffee shop , where though, how was the environment what about the people around you? And when the poet got her heart broken how did she feel: disappointment, sadness etc.

I like the first two lines of this stanza but for some reason I find the list line a bit awkward

remember me?
I remember you.
remember when?

I think that the idea is there but you should expand a bit more on the emotions because from my perspective I don't really feel involved as a reader