Young Writers Society

There are seconds before lives are shattered.

“Systems set?” The only light source, a red glow from the numerous buttons on the dashboard, edges the man’s face. His jaw is set in determination.
In the passenger’s seat, his partner nods. Younger and more than a little scared, he forces himself not to tremble.
“Target in range.” He reads off the small screen in front of him.
The other has his hand rested on the launch joystick. His gloved hand hovers above the button that the entire mission depends on.
The screen blinks rapidly.
“Fire.”

The vehicle slams forward suddenly. In the backseat, eight-year-old Kevin cries out. His parents fly forward, if not for their seat belts they would have went right through the window. The mother, Lilica, screams. Tyrus, the father, grits his teeth and desperately pulls up on the steering wheel.
Lilica reaches for her son, but she can’t get to him from the passenger’s seat. Her hand stretches out for him. A single tear rolls down her face. Then they crash.

Kevin opens his eyes, barely. It’s dark and fire roars all around him. Then he realizes that he is upside-down. His forehead throbs and stings at the same time. A look up and he sees blood running down toward his hairline. In front, the airbag has done it’s job and went off. It flickers red from reflection of the fire. The heat is unbearable. He frantically looks for his parents, they too are suspended by their seatbelt. His father groans but remains silent after that. To the right, his mother’s arm hangs limp and dark with blood. Her blond hair hangs down and covers her face.
Kevin whimpers and tries to call her, but only a small cry comes out before things become dark again.

When he next awakens, he screams in pain. White sheets cover him up to the chin. The light above him is harsh and a bit too bright. Several voices swirl around him, words impossible to make out. Some are loud, others sound more tense. He wonders what they’re saying. He wants to scream and demand to why there’s so much pain. But his voice still refuses to cooperate. All he can do is feel the agonizing hurt that’s taken over his entire body. At every attempt to think of something else, he’s dragged back to it at each wave of pain.
Time passes, how much is impossible to tell. Perhaps it’s days, or minutes, he doesn't know. He can’t move, just stare at the light, the bright, never-ceasing light above him. Finally, when the pain ceases to a dull pounding, they come for him.
Machinery, hard, cold, is placed over his eyes. Head whirling but no feeling. Then nothing.

Well, that was good, but I have a small problem

There are seconds before lives are shattered.

Your beginning. That was a very good opening sentence, but I didn't feel like it connected to the rest of the piece. Maybe describe the scene a little bit more, build up to the action
Write on
~WickedWonder

Hey there, Pretty Crazy!

I see that you haven't got loads of reviews yet, so hopefully, I'll be able to help you out on this. Can I just say in advance that I think this is a nice length for a prologue. It's not too long, but it's not too short either. One thing I would advise though is that whenever you post a work of yours, you should select the story format so it's a bit prettier to read. If you have absolutely no idea what I'm on about, here's a picture to help:



Sorry it's a bit big and unclear, but it should be okay to follow. Basically, before you click the submit button, scroll down to the bottom of the page and click on the little circle with the word Story next to it. There's also a button for Poems, Default settings, and None. By clicking the story button, the layout will be similar to this:

topic62607.html

Do you see how that looks a bit more organised? Don't worry, I'm going to shut up about this now... I just thought I'd let you know because those little buttons aren't the easiest things to spot when you're submitting a post.

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Sorry for the faff... Now, onto your review!

There are seconds before lives are shattered.

Good opening.

“Fire!”

I think an exclamation mark looked good here.

His parents fly forward. If not for their seat belts, they would have went right through the window.

I'm sure you can think of a more interesting verb than went.

T

he mother, Lilica, screams. Tyrus, the father, grits his teeth and desperately pulls up on the steering wheel.
Lilica reaches for her son, but she can’t get to him from the passenger’s seat. Her hand stretches out for him. A single tear rolls down her face. Then they crash.

I'd have liked for you to have described this in a little bit more detail, maybe?

A look up and he sees blood running down toward his hairline. In front, the airbag has done it’s job and blown up.

The first sentence in this sounded a bit awkward to me... maybe you could rephrase it? Also, I thought that blown up sounded good here. xD

He frantically looks for his parents; they too are suspended by their seatbelt.

Time passes, how much is impossible to tell. Perhaps it’s days, or minutes, he doesn't know. He can’t move, just stare at the light, the bright, never-ceasing light above him. Finally, when the pain ceases to a dull pounding, they come for him.
Machinery, hard, cold, is placed over his eyes. Head whirling but no feeling. Then nothing.

O.o I want to know what's happening...


Overall

I'm going to begin with saying that I think technicality wise, this is great for a prologue. You've left me wondering what was happening in the last paragraph, kept some mystery in the overall piece, and given it just the right amount of length to keep my attention. One of the things that I think you did effectively here was your use of short sentences. It gave the impression that everything was happening fast which is what I assume you wanted. I doubt this will be the most detailed review because this piece overall is rather short, so I might run out of things to say. When it comes to your grammar, it was good. I found the odd little error here and there, but nothing worth mentioning. As for your spelling, that was great too. I would have liked for you to have varied your vocabulary a tiny bit more though.

I'll begin my critique with that actually. One thing I noticed was you, for example, using rather plain verbs when you could have used more exotic ones. Don't get me wrong, you didn't do this all of the time, but I would have liked for you to have stretched the vocabulary a bit here and there. This kind of wraps into another thing I want to mention which is your descriptions. I understand that this is a prologue, therefore, you need it to be a little bit vague. I would have liked for you to have set the scene a bit more though, especially at the car crash scene. When I say that, I don't mean after the car has crashed because I thought you had a really nice description there. I mean as the car was crashing. Obviously, you can't write all that much because it's a car crashing, therefore, it has to be a fast process. I 'd like to see you pulling on my heartstrings more though and make me really feel what's going on. A good way of doing that is through description.

The only other little thing I want to mention is about the end part. You started it off by saying that Kevin woke up and screamed in pain, yet throughout the paragraph, you mentioned how he couldn't get anything to come out of his mouth. How can he have screamed when he woke up if he couldn't speak? You even mentioned him wanting to scream, but not being able to a few sentences after saying that he screamed. Do you see what I mean? I think you should revise that and maybe edit it a little. Besides that small issue though, I loved the last paragraph. That's what got me wondering what was going on altogether. I also thought that the opening line of this was good and effective.

Edit this up a bit and you could have a really great prologue here!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Flower here, as requested by you I want to start by saying that I love this as a prologue. I typically don't read them, one because they can never capture my attention, and two because I think they usually take away from the story. This however was very nice, and I caught myself getting trapped in the suspense. That said your vocabulary isnt very colorful, and I feel this could be so much more with the right use of words. Right now it is kind of plain. You have the action and suspense, but no words to keep you in it. I found myself lost for words at what was happening, but bored to tears by what you were saying, if you understand what I mean. Other than that this was quite nice.

Pretty Crazy wrote:There are seconds before lives are shattered. Unlike said before I really like this, and think it ties the story together. It made perfect sense to me. Bravo!

“Systems set?” The only light source, a red glow from the numerous buttons on the dashboard, edges the man’s face. His jaw is set in determination.
In the passenger’s seat, his partner nods. Younger and more than a little scared, he forces himself not to tremble.
“Target in range.” He reads off the small screen in front of him.
The other has his hand rested on the launch joystick. His gloved hand hovers above the button that the entire mission depends on.
The screen blinks rapidly.
“Fire.”

The vehicle slams forward suddenly. In the backseat, eight-year-old Kevin cries out. His parents fly forward, if not for their seat belts they would have went right through the window. The mother, Lilica, screams. Tyrus, the father, grits his teeth and desperately pulls up on the steering wheel.
Lilica reaches for her son, but she can’t get to him from the passenger’s seat. Her hand stretches out for him. A single tear rolls down her face. Then they crash. I would be more descriptive. Tell how the crash feels to the passengers.

Kevin opens his eyes, barely. It’s dark and fire roars all around him. Then he realizes that he is upside-down. His forehead throbs and stings at the same time. A look up and he sees blood running down toward his hairline. In front, the airbag has done it’s job and went off. It flickers red from reflection of the fire. The heat is unbearable. He frantically looks for his parents, they too are suspended by their seatbelt. His father groans but remains silent after that. To the right, his mother’s arm hangs limp and dark with blood. Her blond hair hangs down and covers her face.
Kevin whimpers and tries to call her, but only a small cry comes out before things become dark again. The character seems like a child, but you don't really say. This makes me wonder. Guess I will have to read the rest of the novel.

When he next awakens, he screams in pain. White sheets cover him up to the chin. The light above him is harsh and a bit too bright. Several voices swirl around him, words impossible to make out. Some are loud, others sound more tense. He wonders what they’re saying. He wants to scream and demand to why there’s so much pain. But his voice still refuses to cooperate. All he can do is feel the agonizing hurt that’s taken over his entire body. At every attempt to think of something else, he’s dragged back to it at each wave of pain.
Time passes, how much is impossible to tell. Perhaps it’s days, or minutes, he doesn't know. He can’t move, just stare at the light, the bright, never-ceasing light above him. Finally, when the pain ceases to a dull pounding, they come for him.
Machinery, hard, cold, is placed over his eyes. Head whirling but no feeling. Then nothing.

Very well done!

-Flower-

Heya Crazy! thanks for the review request! I love getting those . So let us begin shall we?

Tyrus, the father, grits his teeth and desperately pulls up on the steering wheel.

He pulls UP on the steering wheel? I don't know what kind of airplane car this is, but in all the cars I've ever been in you can't really pull up on them .

Then they crash

Eww, this is kinda plain, try going more into detail, describe it, put us in the crash. But if you want to keep it short and simple so it has more of a shock factor to the reader maybe put something like- Then, the impact. Or since you mentioned that they were upside down something about them flipping, or rolling the car.

In front, the airbags has done it’stheir job and went off. ItThey flickered red from reflection of the fire.

What fire? That's a pretty big deal, so you might want to put something in about it before this. Like the kid looking out the window and seeings flames somewhere? Just a thought.

Her blond hair hangs down and covers her face.

Well this wouldn't really matter would it? I mean he's in the back seat, she's in the front, facing forward, he couldn't see her face anyway.

He can’t move, just stare at the light, the bright, never-ceasing light above him. Finally, when the pain ceases to a dull pounding, they come for him.

Change one of those ceases.

Machinery- hard, cold, is placed over his eyes.

So! Overall it seems pretty interesting, it needs some work, but with a little editing and work it'll turn out great! The tense it was in I'm not really fond of, especially since you go forward in time in the next chapter, so that's something to think about.

Anyway good luck, and keep writing!

~Hope

Hey Pretty Crazy! Here to review, not on request.

His parents fly forward, if not for their seat belts they would have went right through the window.

Instead of through I would like to have 'out of'

To the right, his mother’s arm hangs, limp and dark with blood.

Kevin whimpers and tries to call her, but only a small cry comes out before things become dark again

. This sentence was good.

Several voices swirl around him, words impossible to make out.

Even this bit was nice.I especially liked the 'swirl' verb you used.

The only thing I felt after reading this was confusion. You have tried your best to clear things up but I think you should be going more with them. i don;t by any how mean you to unravel more of the mystery, but as a big fan of description, I would have loved to have more inputs or descriptions of things while we're reading the scene in the plane. That would have aroused my curiosity a bit more, but even now I am very excited to know why exactly the pilots shot the missile or whatever it was on Kevin's parent's car. That seems like a mystery to me, at least. So, with more work on the scene you would have a better read.

I won't be going on to repeat things which others, especially Skins and Flower have explained too brightly. I would like you to know but that you need to establish your vocabulary a bit more and take time to explain and describe things. I won't come onto any major conclusions since this is the prologue and things in the novel(main part) sometimes change a lot from the prologue. And my one and only advice to you would be that write more and more to improve. A golden advice!

I would like to disagree with Bond(sorry) that you need to change your tenses here. I guess this tense fits this prologue the best and it is all the more interesting to read since you're going to change the tense in the main chapters. So I don't suggest altering the tense here,

I would try reading the chapter-1 soon, but until then bye!
~Shubhi

Hey there!

Well I see that the above reviewers have covered most of the grammer, so I'll just talk about content, hmm?

As prologue, this seems very promising. Prologue's aren't my thing, I usually avoid them at all costs because they just confuse me, but I admit that there are some stories where they work. Some stories including this one. By making this the prologue, you can open up the next chapter with what happens a great deal after this. However if you are planning on going straight to the hour or day after the event at which your prologue ends, I suggest scrapping the title and just have it be your first chapter.

Why am I saying this? Prologue's work well when you need to introduce an event to your readers without having to drone on about it through your first couple chapters. If you introduce a car crash and death of your main character's family members in the prologue, you are then free to go three years into the future and start your story from there.

Prologues do not work well if you are not planning on skipping a large amount of time. Why? Because it's useless, and is just a waste of a page. You could just as well add it to your first paragraph and save a shave off of a tree. So, if you are planning on going to the next day in time, scrap it. If you insist of keeping the prologue, if you want to do it right, then just have the prologue be the car crash.

As I said above, I think this was a great start. It makes me want to read more and find out what the heck is going on, which is exactly your job as a writer.

Keep writing,

Classy