Ode to Snoink [We are]

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I wrote this in a fit of silliness. Dedicated to Snoink and the usergroup Snoink's Evil Minions.
TEAR IT APART. Beat it like there's candy in the center :D

We Are

We are warriors with
marshmallow armor and
black licorice boots
A field of stuffed animals poses
an easy target
seams splitting,
buttons, bits and pieces
of synthetic flesh
and cotton carnage

We are merciless
a toast to Mr. Teddy
whose black diamond eyes
used to sparkle with such enviable
joy, mischief and life
now reservoirs of misery
at the bottom of a ditch
no stone to grace his grave

We are monsters
chaos and hatred
sleep-over often
snuggling together in
the black den of our hearts

Like a storm of cherry gum-drops
we pelt our adversaries
ruthlessly, incessantly
Until
They
Fall

We are evil
like a liter of newly born
kittens we emerge
bloodthirsty
licking our paws in
vicious
feline
anticipation
sinking our claws into anything
that stands in our way
Last edited by empressoftheuniverse on Thu Jan 07, 2010 5:47 am, edited 5 times in total.
Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart.
*Le Bible
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I love it! It not only makes me want to practice my pyschotic laughter, but it also makes me want to hit a pinata full of sugary goodness. My only real critique would be these two stanzas:

We are warriors
with
marshmallow armor and
black licorice boots
a field of stuffed animals poses
an easy target
seams splitting,
buttons, bits and pieces
of synthetic flesh
the carnage of cotton

We are merciless
a toast to Mr. Teddy
whose black diamond eyes
used to sparkle with such enviable
joy, mischief and life
now
reservoirs of misery
at the bottom of a ditch
no stone to grace his grave


I think you should make with and now part of another sentence, instead of having them off on their own. It kind of disrupted the flow when I was reading it. But it works in the third stanza.

Great imagery by the way! I love the line about carnage of cotton. Epic.
I am not addicted to reading, I can quit as soon as I finish one more chapter.




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XD

This made my day.

Anyway, my favorite stanza was the last one. You don't know this, but the precursor to the evil minions was SPEW... and we used to joke that if you didn't review, we would eat cute and cuddly kittens. So for our mascot, we used to have this evil kitten picture... and yeah, you totally didn't need to know this, but it amuses me greatly!

A star for you!
Ubi caritas est vera, Deus ibi est.

"The mark of your ignorance is the depth of your belief in injustice and tragedy. What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly." ~ Richard Bach

Moth and Myth <- My comic! :D




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Awww.... thanks Snoink, Moriah. :smt001
It's thanks to Snoink's Evil Minions that I decided to try my hand at poetry... and now I love it!
And if you read this, any strangers who don't know what Snoink's Evil Minion's are-- possibly the best usergroup in the universe of yws. We revel in our evilness (see poem above to get an idea) :smt001
Think about joining us
Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked I will depart.
*Le Bible
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Hey again Empress :) It seems you like my reviews. This makes me happy :D
I'm guessing you want me to give you punctuation errors as well? Whatever, if you don't then just ignore them.

We are warriors with
marshmallow armor and
black licorice boots

This makes me think of cute, fat, candy teddy bears. I don't know if that's a bad thing, but I love it :smt003
But there should be a period at the end of boots.


a field of stuffed animals poses
an easy target

This line should start with a capital letter because it's a new sentence. And I'm pretty sure there should be a semicolon after target.

seams splitting,
buttons, bits and pieces
of synthetic flesh

Great imagery and word usage here :D But there should also be a semicolon after flesh.

the carnage of cotton

I like this line, and there's nothing wrong with it. I was just thinking that it would sound just as good if you said cotton carnage rather than the carnage of cotton. Either way it's good, just thought I'd point that out in case you agreed.

We are merciless

There should be a period after this line and the next should start with a capital letter.

joy, mischief and life

Another period here and the next line must also start with a capital.

now reservoirs of misery

Comma after now. Great line, by the way.

no stone to grace his grave

Amazing line... You really are very good.

We are monsters

Period after monsters and the next line starts with a capital.

the black den of our hearts
like a storm of cherry gum-drops

I don't understand why you're comparing a black den of a heart to a storm of cherry gum-drops? Maybe it's an inside joke I don't understand, but the poem would sound just as good without the second line.

we pelt our adversaries

Start this line with a capital :)

ruthlessly, incessantly

Good adverbs :smt003

We are evil.
L
ike a liter of newly born
kittens, we emerge.

For this one I just put the punctuation corrections in red.

Bloodthirsty,
licking our paws in
vicious
feline
anticipation;
sinking our claws into anything
that stands in our way.

You know what, I've just done the same here. It seems easier.

I liked this poem a lot. I couldn't tell if by the lack of punctuation it's meant to be that way? (As I said I know nothing about lyrical poetry) But I corrected that anyway, if it's relevant.
You use a great vocabulary and this is a greatly enjoyable poem. You really do have an amazing talent, and I hope you plan on continuing :D

Keep that pen rolling,

~^~Xirenia~^~
We're young, open flowers in the windy fields of this war-torn world - Mumford & Sons




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Ha ha, I just absolutely adore this poem!
We are warriors with
marshmallow armor and
black licorice boots

Favorite line ever!
I imagined everyone in our group wearing marshmallow armor and black licorice boots! Wow, you've got great potential as a poet!! This is totally getting a star!!
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TEAR IT APART. Beat it like there's candy in the center :D


I want the candy. So bad.

xD But what more can I say that hasn't been said about this poem?

Candy armor. Already genius.

-Shina
You cannot dream yourself into a character; you must hammer and forge yourself into one.

The writer, when he is also an artist, is someone who admits what others don't dare reveal.




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Such a cool poem!

Awesome! I really liked how you put together this poem! One of a kind!

*keep that imagination expanding**
-ValerieMichelle
."Believer Of Dream City ,Resident Of Reality"




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Dude, now I really want candy.

Well, I loved this! It's taken a poetic (and extremely scary) slant on the evil usergroup which I know and love. <3

But, seriously, did you have to make the teddy so scary? I have a wild imagination, you know. ;)

But, yeah, it's very beautiful. Lovely work. *sniff*

~Amy
"It is curious how often you humans manage to obtain that which you do not want."

-Spock.


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That was very cute and sort of funny too. Well usually. The last para was scary. And I really liked the contrast in these two paras:
We are monsters
chaos and hatred
sleep-over often
snuggling together in
the black den of our hearts
Awwwww....

Like a storm of cherry gum-drops
we pelt our adversaries
ruthlessly, incessantly
Until
They
Fall

More awwwww....
"The duke had a mind that ticked like a clock and, like a clock, it
regularly went cuckoo."
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The worst bullies you will ever encounter in your life are your own thoughts.
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