Young Writers Society

ok so this story I wrote for a contest awhile back and decided to revisit it. so critique it to death! Show no mercy! It looks long, but that's just because there's lots of dialogue. it's only about 1,000 words. and this isn't the whole thing. part two will appear in a few days.

Lonely. Depressed. Afraid. I could see all those emotions in the face of the girl stepping out of the blue SUV. I remembered that look from last year, when I was in her place. Too bad Dom would have less mercy for her than she did for me.

"Bailey! C'mon, let's go!" Dom forced me from my thoughts I tore my eyes from the girl and trudged to the front doors to catch up with my friends.

"So," Sophie smiled as she stopped in front of Dom and me, "What do you think of the new girl?"

"You mean the redhead? She's okay. I don't think she'll be a problem." Dom arrogantly flipped her golden-blond hair. I tried not to roll my eyes. I mean, Dom was nice and all… to me. To her, everyone was either a bug to squish, or a dog to boss around. That freckled redhead coming our way? Big bug.

The dogs would be Sophie and me. Sophie was a four-foot clone of Dom, with the same piercing blue eyes and golden hair. She followed Dom around like a helpless puppy, copying her every move. If Dom got highlights, Sophie got them too. If Dom decided sneakers were cool, Sophie went out and bought five pair. I hadn't quite stooped to that level yet, but I was getting close.

"So Dom," I nervously asked, "What are you going to do to her?"

"Nothing! After all, she's new. I don't think I'll need to interfere.

"Please! Interfere is your middle name!" by now we were in the school and heading towards our classroom.

"Excuse me?" a shy voice sounded behind us. Without looking, I could tell from the heavy Irish accent who it was.

Dom turned around and put her hands on her hips.

"What?"

"Um, I'm new. And completely lost. Do you know where I can find Mrs. Robinson's room?"

"Look," Dom retorted, "We don't have time to be tour guides. We need to get to our own classes. Check the office. Straight down that hallway." She pointed opposite the direction we were walking.

"Thanks." The girl quickly turned around and headed back.

"Dom, that's not the office!" Sophie pointed out as soon as she was gone.

"Yeah, and we're going right to Mrs. Robinson's room!" I didn't like this. I mean, usually I'm okay with this stuff. But for some reason, this seemed totally wrong.

"C'mon girls, someone will help her out. 'Sides, she's too nice to tattle." Dom seemed immensely proud of herself. I glared at the back of her head.

We walked the rest of the way in silence. When we entered the room, a few kids moved out of the way to make room for us in our regular seats. Dom sat in the middle of the front row, with Sophie and I on either side behind her. The seats around us were filling up fast, with the exception of the two seats next to Dom. That was the game in this class; see who can sit farthest from Dom. Loser has to put up with her snotty bullying all day.

The class quieted down as Mrs. Robinson entered with the new girl.

"Good morning class!" she greeted us.

"Good morning Mrs. Robinson!"

"This is Leah O'Brien. She came all the way from Ireland!" Mrs. Robinson announced as Leah gave a shy smile. "Why don't you sit down, dear? Look, there's a seat right next to Dominique. I'm sure she'd be glad to show you around on your first day."

Dom gave a sappy smile. "Of course! I'd love to help a new student!"

Meet today's loser.

For the rest of the morning, Leah kept her head bent over her work, so as to avoid the inquisitive stares. Sophie and I received occasional scribbled comments about Leah from Dom, none of which contained compliments. When the bell finally rang for lunch, everyone, including Leah, raced out the door. The three of us took our time, confident that someone would save us a seat.

Sure enough, by the time we walked into the cafeteria, we were the only ones in the lunchline. I scanned the tables for openings, and found two. The first was with a couple giggly girls from another class; the second was with Leah.

My stomach flopped when I realized she was waving us over. I quickly elbowed Dom.

"Hey, there's a place by Leah!" I whispered to her.

"Good to know. Where else can we sit?"

"Dom! You haven't said one nice thing to her all day. The least we can do is sit with her!"

"Um, no."

"But…" I realized it wasn't worth arguing.

Dom always got her way eventually.

She looked at the other open table. "Okay, let's sit there. Bailey, you go over to Leah and tell her why we can't sit with her."

Defeated, I sighed and made my way over to Leah. "Uh, we promised… friends we'd sit with them today. Sorry; how 'bout tomorrow?"

"Right. Okay, I understand." She stared at her bologna sandwich.

Biting my lip, I walked over to Dom's table just in time to catch the middle of a hushed conversation.

"Ooh Dom, this is your best one yet! That should show her who's boss!"

Sophie was clearly having a hard time keeping her voice down.

"Hey, hey, what am I missing? Who're we clobbering today?" I slid into a plastic chair across from them.

Dom just gave a quick nod in Leah's direction.

"Uh-uh." I said, "I for one am not going to plot the downfall of the new kid in school."

"Hello, Bailey," Dom retorted, "We always do that!"

"Not to me."

"Whatever. You're different."

"Really? How?"

"Hey!" Sophie interrupted our bickering, "The plan?"

"Right. Sorry." Dom spent the rest of the period explaining this wonderful plan of hers. I still didn't get it. I'd been hanging out with Dom since the fifth grade, and every time there was a new girl, Dom had to show her who was boss. And usually, it was someone with a friend here, or had just moved across the city. None of them were ever as lonely as Leah. It just didn't feel right.

When recess came around, Dom announced it was time to put the plan into action.

"Okay, you two know what to do." She whispered, plunking on to a swing,

"Sophie, you've got to make your story convincing. Bailey, you listen so you can tell Leah should she be out of earshot. Go."

We just nodded our heads, and Sophie started babbling on and on about the next day; how it would be so much fun, and we could all break the dress code and eat in class. Whenever she came up with something really good, Dom would smile and nod her approval. Finally, when there was enough information, Dom gave me a shove in Leah's direction.

I timidly walked forward. I felt so bad doing this, telling Leah all these thing. Bt if I didn't, Dom would kick me out of her little group and leave me at the bottom of the food chain with everyone else. Except, no friends.

Maybe I could just tell Leah a few things. Yeah, just that we all get to break the dress code and wear pajamas. That'd satisfy Dom, and wouldn't hurt Leah quite as much.

I made my way over to a shady bench, where Leah was sitting, drawing in a notebook.

"Hey." I greeted her, hoping she wouldn't suspect anything.

"Hi." She murmured sullenly. She was obviously still hear about the whole lunch table thing. I've never been a great liar.

"So, uh, we felt bad about lunch, and Dom thought you should know about…" I realized I hadn't thought of a name for it. "Fun Day." Pathetic, I know, but she could buy it.

"Okay. So what do you do?"

Phew, she took it!

"Well, first of all, we all wear PJs."

"Isn't that against the dress code?"

I stared at her. How'd she know that?
"I'm not that clueless." She managed a quick smile.

"Yeah, it's against the dress code. But this is for fun! They let you slide. And then… then the teachers plan… cool stuff all day.

"Awesome! I'll do that. Thanks!" that freckled smile forced my heart into my throat.

"Um, yeah. No problem." I turned and hurried away before I let the truth slip.

so? oh, and I forgot to mention, I want to send this in to a magazine in like, a week. so please critique ASAP!

Hi, I saw your message on the other board and noticed that this one has no critiques so... here I am =) I liked this piece in general but there's always room for improvement. I think you should add more description of setting. Like where are they at first and when they go outside, is the playground old or new? Are the swings rusty or shiny? Just a little bit will do and you'd be surprised how much it can add to your story. Also, it's nice to see the story from the perspective of one of the bullies which is rather original. Here's a few typos and such that I found -

If Dom got highlights, Sophie got them too. If Dom decided sneakers were cool, Sophie went out and bought five pairs.

The first was with a couple of giggly girls from another class; the second was with Leah.

And usually, it was someone with a friend here, or who had just moved across the city.

"Okay, you two know what to do." She whispered, plunking [I don't like this word and like I said, a little description of the swing would be nice. Perhaps 'throwing herself onto a swing' or 'collapsing onto a swing' would be better if she's not a graceful person.] on to a swing,

But if I didn't, Dom would kick me out of her little group and leave me at the bottom of the food chain with everyone else.

She was obviously still hear [I think you mean hurt?] about the whole lunch table thing.

_________________

Overall, you have a good story here and I think you have a good chance at getting published in a small magazine. In fact, I've seen much worse published so take a shot and enter. You'll regret it if you don't try.

Okay, it's well written. Most of the type-o's have already been pointed out, so there's no need to repeat.

My only question is if it is a realistic story. Meaning, Bailey and Sophie seem sort of nice, in that they don't totally agree with Dom's pranks of sending Leah the wrong way, or lying, etc. If they are, then why are they doing it anyways? I know in one line, it said that she didn't want to be in the bottom of the foodchain, which is an okay explanation. If you want to make the story even better, though, really think about Bailey's position. Tell me exactly what she's thinking, exactly why she does it. Give me a solid excuse, so i can sympathize with her position, rather than judge her sa a meanie.

So, yeah, i don't mean to sound negative, because as i said before, it is a very well written story. Good luck in your contest!

I didn't really see anything wrong with the structure or the grammar (any big problems). I mean, in all honesty, it lacked the bit of original style that I think should be added to already sort of unoriginal pieces, but that's not something that I can necessarily recommend or help with.

A couple questions did arise about the characters...

How old are they? The main character says she's been friends with Dom 'since fifth grade' as if it's a long time, but they are still having recess and they act like they're in high school. I think that you should give a few more clues to their age.

And... I know that Leah is very afraid of falling down the social ladder. However, she seems to have a conscience that is very well intact and knows better than what she's doing. I don't see anything that indicates that it's natural for her to hang around the crowd she hangs around other than the fact that she's been hanging around them since the fifth grade. Perhaps put in something that suggests a little bit more submission on her part?

It was well-written, though, I think. Everything flowed well.

This is a really good story but I think that you should try to get into the point of view of the new girl more so that we can sympathize. Show how hurt she feels, describe it explicitly; make us feel hurt. Also, if there is no limit, you should try describing Dom's thoughts too. Don't just show her as cruel, give us a reason for her being cruel. Other than that, awesome story.