Young Writers Society

Brothers

“Duck for cover!” Darry yelled through the trees. Mud flew everywhere as he dove. He hid behind his imaginary war base, peeking from behind an apple tree. Carefully scoping the orchard, he searched for the enemy.

Ralph crawled up behind him, groping through the black pit of goo in agony. “I’ve been shot, Darry!” He screamed as loud as his six-year old lungs could allow.

“Hush up!” Darry held a finger to his lips, “the enemy will hear you.” He lay flat against the mud, slowly crawling out from behind the tree and then running to the next, with sour apples soaring at him.

“I’ll get you!” Mary’s giggling voice screamed at him as her arm launched another apple. She fell out from behind the tree, rolling around in a fit of laughter.

Darry and Ralph immediately stood up and yelled in horror, “What’re you doing?”

Mary took a few deep breaths and stood up. Her dress was torn and muddied from the battle, and she yelled back in a mocking tone, “I’m laughing!”

“You can’t laugh in war!” Ralph argued with his twin, looking up at Darry for a nod of brotherly affirmation. Darry rolled his eyes.

“And why can’t I?” Mary’s face turned beet red and she looked to Darry before Ralph could answer, “Why can’t I laugh, Darry?”

“Well, you see, Mary-“Darry started, putting on his most mature voice.

“No, I don’t see!”

“Yeah, I know that you don’t see, that’s why-"

“Well, then why are you telling me that I see? I don’t understand why I can’t laugh.”

Darry raised his hands, exasperated, and walked away from his siblings toward the house. He couldn’t handle this today. He’d planned to hang out with the boys. But, they couldn’t because of the last neighborhood fiasco Darry caused. Mothers just weren’t into mud. He picked up a rock and chucked it at a tree.

Ralph immediately left Mary huffing and puffing about and ran after Darry. He tried to maintain Darry’s stride, taking two steps for each of Darry’s. “What now?” He finally dared to ask after a few minutes of tromping back through the orchard. His face was a little too eager for Darry’s liking. Ever since Ralph could walk, he’d followed Darry around like a booger you can’t get off.

Darry looked at him and pointed toward his bike, leaning against the garage, “I’m going for a ride.” He then pointed to the house. “And you’re going home!”

“But, Mom said you weren’t supposed to leave the house.” He gave a toothy grin.

Darry frowned back, wiping his muddy hands across his jeans. “Well, maybe I don’t care.”

“Why?”

“Because I want to go on a ride.”

“Why?”

“Because I like bike rides.”

“Why?”

Darry turned on his little brother and shoved him back, “Go away!” The stupid kid always asked questions, Darry thought to himself, stalking moodily away, ignoring his little brother’s sniffles behind him. Soon he could hear Ralph behind him again. He always had to follow.

Darry grabbed his bike and steered it towards the open street. He tried to forget about Ralph and mumbled just loud enough so Ralph could hear, “Little brothers, who needs ‘em! They’re always so stupid. Following you around everywhere.” He hoped it would drive Ralph away but it didn’t. He decided to continue ignoring him and guided the bike carefully across the driveway.

Darry admired its gleaming red surface, sparkling so brilliantly in the sun. He hopped aboard, imagining himself as a jet pilot. Making the noises of an erupting engine, he pedaled madly across the street, hovering just beneath the view of a semi truck. Pretending the semi was an enemy plane, he sped away, reaching the other side before his enemy could ever touch him; he whooped and punched the air amidst the noise.

“Darry!” Ralph’s small voice called out, that annoying voice of a little brother. Darry rolled his eyes and turned to see the semi come barreling forward, and standing right in front of it was Ralph.

“Ralph!”

The small boy crumpled, crushed beneath the thundering steel. The driver didn’t stop. He didn’t even notice a bump.

Darry went limp. His bike crashed as he fell to his knees, speechless. All he could see was Ralph—his mangled form lying across the tar.

“You’re so stupid, Ralph! You’re so stupid!” Darry wailed through his burning tears. He ran and tripped on the gravel, skinning his knee.

Ralph lay behind as a silent accusation.

Pounding the road with his fist, Darry looked up, hanging his head as he slowly walked back.

“Darry, Mary told me-“His mom and sister walked out of the garage and stopped dead. Watching. Nothing could be heard except Darry’s whimpers.

“I didn’t mean it.” Darry’s voice shook. Gently cradling Ralph’s blonde head amidst his arms, he whispered, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

aeroman wrote:Mud flew everywhere as he dived into the black pit of goo behind the famed apple tree that made up his imaginary war base.

May want to change 'dived' to 'dove'.

aeroman wrote: “You can’t laugh in war!”

For some reason the complete random timing of that line really made me laugh.

Ending-wise, you could make it to where Mary cries to their mother about Darry saying she couldn't laugh and the mother rushing outside to scold her eldest just as she sees him fall to his knees besides his fallen brother. Merely a suggestion of course. ^_^

LUNA

Hey aero, I hope this helps.

Mud flew everywhere as he dove into the black pit of goo behind the famed apple tree that made up his imaginary war base.

This is a bit awkward and long. Perhaps break it up?

Ralph crawled up behind him, groping through the morass in injury.

Huh? I don't think "groping" is the word you're looking for-- or maybe "morass" is the one you want to change. I'm not sure what you mean by this.

and she yelled back in a duh sort of voice

duh is too slang for this piece, perhaps in a mocking tone? manner?

“You can’t laugh in war!” Ralph argued with his twin sister, looking up at Darry for a nod of brotherly affirmation. [s]that he was right and Mary was wrong.[/s] Darry rolled his eyes instead and looked away from his siblings.

I suggest cutting of the end. It's redundant.

Darry started, putting on his most mature voice, “Well, you see, Mary-“

“No, I don’t see!”

“Yeah, I know that you don’t see, that’s why-“

“Well, then why are you telling me that I see? I don’t understand why I can’t laugh.”

This is a typical sibling fight, but real world dialogue isn't always the most interesting. I found myself annoyed instead of entertained.

Darry raised his hands, exasperated, and walked away from his brother and sister towards the house. He couldn’t handle this today. [s]This wasn’t how things were supposed to go.[/s] He had planned to hang out with the boys today. But they couldn’t because of the last neighborhood fiasco Darry had caused. Mothers just weren’t into mud wars he guessed, [s]and now he was featured as the town rebel and his mother wasn’t letting him play with the boys for a whole week.[/s] What was an eight year old to do on a farm with a pair of annoying siblings?

This paragraph is a bit tedious. I suggest cutting the strikeout portions. At this point, I felt like there was not going to be a point to the story. It seemed like all I was going to get was Darry's whine about how there was nothing for him to do. Perhaps he could throw a rock at a window or something. Otherwise, his whining feels grating.

“But, Mother said you weren’t supposed to leave the house.” [s]Ralph was overjoyed at knowing what his mother would say[/s] He gave a toothy grin.

That's implied and unnecessary. The grin says it all.

Soon he could hear the steady walk of Ralph behind him again.

Steady seems off. Perhaps a different word would work better.

Darry quickly grabbed the new bike [s]he’d received for his birthday as soon[/s] as he reached the garage and steered it towards the open street.

Unnecessary.

The bike was brand new and Darry admired its gleaming red surface, sparkling so brilliantly in the sun.

You already said the bike was new. It's not necessary to say it again.

Pretending the semi was an enemy plane, he sped away, reaching the other side, [s]at least ten feet[/s] before his enemy could ever reach him; he whooped and stabbed the air with his fist amidst the noise of the humongous truck.

I understand that you want us to know that he was pretty far away from the truck when he went by, but it somewhat makes the whole concept stale. The brother will get hit no matter the distance. As long as that's in our minds, then you don't need to provide numbers.

What do you mean by "stabbed the air"?

“Ralph!” Darry screamed, watching Ralph’s small body crush beneath the gigantic steel monster.

Umm... a bit gruesome. Perhaps a more implied death? The image may be more powerful if you don't have it actually before our eyes, but before Darry's. I don't want to see the actual accident, I want to see Darry while the accident is happening.

Darry walked forward. Nobody knew what just happened, [s]except-Darry, and [/s]All he saw was his brother. His friend. He hadn’t meant what he’d said about Ralph. [s]But Ralph would never know that.[/s] Darry reached Ralph with tears brimming in his eyes and cradled his blonde head amidst his arms. He slowly rocked, back and forth, holding his brother, whispering, [s]“Why...”[/s]

Okay, you're right that the ending needs fixing. The "why" definitely needs to go. I think perhaps an emphasis on the fact that he was responsible could work better here.

Well, there you have it. Phew. I hope it helps, and if you have any questions on anything I've said, then feel free to ask.

Trident

Well, most of this was covered by Trident I see. Essentially, this is a really good short story, quite enjoyable and for the most part, very well written. However, and I dont know why, but the ending lacked emotional punch and it shouldnt.

I've rerad a similar type of story here on YWS, where the body of the piece was dull and the ending -- much like yours, with a dead sibling-- had huge emotional punch. Its the other way around here, you need to fix the ending is all Im saying, lol.

Well done.

It's a good story, and Ralph seems just like an annoying little brother.

Did you base him on your own sibling?

Darry is an interesting character, the way he retaliates when Ralph says that Mother didn't want him to leave the house.

Just out of interest, why did you write this piece?

RR*

First I'd just like to say that Ralph seems very much like a real younger brother, and I like the writing. To add some punch to the ending, I think the first step would be to remove the "why..."

Just a question, what inspiration did you have on this story?

To be honest, I disagree with a few of Trident's views, and all of luna's views. But hey, critiquers don't have to agree.

“Duck for cover!” Darry yelled through the trees. Mud flew everywhere as he dove into the black pit of goo behind the famed apple tree that made up his imaginary war base. Peeking from behind a monstrous limb, he carefully scoped the orchard, searching for the enemy.

Ralph crawled up behind him, groping through the morass in injury. “I’ve been shot, Darry!” He screamed as loud as his six-year old lungs could allow.

Excellent beginning! This entire scene pulls the reader in, and Ralph's cry is absolutely adorable. I found myself smiling, remembering days like this from my own life, oh so many years ago.

Darry quickly turned, “Hush up!” He held a finger to his lips, “the enemy will hear you.”

I think this might be better combined, such as, "Darry quickly turned and held a finger to his lips. 'Hush up! The enemy will hear you.'"

Darry laid flat against the mud, slowly crawling out from behind the tree and then jumping to the next, with sour apples soaring at him from a few yards away.

Actually, I did a quick grammar check, and it should be, "Darry lay flat against the mud..."

Also, at first I was a bit thrown off by the "jumping to the next" part. I didn't know if he was running to hide behind the next tree, or if you meant something different.

Mary’s giggling voice screamed at him as her arm launched another apple that missed by an inch, “I’ll get you!” She fell out from behind the tree, rolling around in a fit of laughter.

Maybe if you invert the first sentence it would flow a little better. Something like, "'I'll get you!' Mary's giggling voice screamed at him as she launched another apple, missing by an inch."

Darry and Ralph immediately stood up and yelled in horror, “What’re you doing?”

Mary slowly contained herself after a few deep breaths and then stood up. Her dress was torn and muddied from the battle and she yelled back in a duh sort of voice, “I’m laughing!”

I love this dialogue. At first I thought it was strange, but then I realized that it was perfect for six-year-olds. That put another smile on my face. I think the "duh sort of voice" works, although you might want to put quotation marks around "duh" so it expresses it more to the reader.

“You can’t laugh in war!” Ralph argued with his twin sister, looking up at Darry for a nod of brotherly affirmation that he was right and Mary was wrong. Darry rolled his eyes instead and looked away from his siblings.

“And why can’t I?” Mary’s face turned beet red and she turned on Darry before Ralph could answer, “Why can’t I laugh, Darry?”

Darry started, putting on his most mature voice, “Well, you see, Mary-“

“No, I don’t see!”

“Yeah, I know that you don’t see, that’s why-“

“Well, then why are you telling me that I see? I don’t understand why I can’t laugh.”

Darry raised his hands, exasperated, and walked away from his brother and sister towards the house. He couldn’t handle this today. This wasn’t how things were supposed to go. He had planned to hang out with the boys today. But they couldn’t because of the last neighborhood fiasco Darry had caused. Mothers just weren’t into mud wars he guessed, and now he was featured as the town rebel and his mother wasn’t letting him play with the boys for a whole week. What was an eight year old to do on a farm with a pair of annoying siblings?

Perfect. I like how you really get into the head of Darry and an eight-year-old's mindset.

Ralph immediately left Mary huffing and puffing about and ran after Darry. He tried to maintain Darry’s stride, taking two steps for each of Darry’s. “What now?” He finally dared to ask after a few minutes of tromping back through the orchard toward the house. His face was a little too eager for Darry’s liking. Ever since Ralph could walk, he’d followed Darry around like a booger you can’t get off.

"He" should not be capitalized after the quote. I absolutely adore the last sentence of that paragraph - made me laugh out loud.

Darry looked at him and then pointed towards his brand new bike leaning against the garage, “I’m going for a ride.” Then pointing to the house, said, “You’re going home!”

I think you should end the first action with a period before the dialogue.

“But, Mother said you weren’t supposed to leave the house.” Ralph was overjoyed at knowing what his mother would say and gave a toothy grin.

I guess this threw me off because in my head, Ralph said it with sort of a pouty tone. I'm not sure how to remedy that...

Darry frowned back, wiping his muddy hands across his jeans. “Well, maybe I don’t want to listen to Mother.”

“Why not?”

“Because I want to go on a ride.”

“Why do you want to go on a ride?”

“Because I like bike rides.”

“Why do you like bike rides?”

Darry turned on his little brother and shoved him back, “Go away!” The stupid kid always asked questions, Darry thought to himself, stalking moodily away, ignoring his little brother’s sniffles behind him. Soon he could hear the steady walk of Ralph behind him again. He always had to follow him...

Ah, the reasoning of little kids. I like it.

Darry quickly grabbed the new bike he’d received for his birthday as soon as he reached the garage and steered it towards the open street. He tried to forget about Ralph and mumbled just loud enough so Ralph could hear behind him, “Little brothers, who needs ‘em! They’re always so stupid. Following you around everywhere.” He hoped it would drive Ralph away but it didn’t. He decided to continue ignoring him and guided the bike carefully across the driveway.

Good.

The bike was brand new and Darry admired its gleaming red surface, sparkling so brilliantly in the sun. It quickly distracted his mind from Ralph and he hopped aboard the bike, imagining himself as a pilot in a newfound jet airplane. Making the noises of an erupting engine, he pedaled madly across the street hovering just beneath the driver’s view of a semi truck driving towards him. Pretending the semi was an enemy plane, he sped away, reaching the other side, at least ten feet before his enemy could ever reach him; he whooped and stabbed the air with his fist amidst the noise of the humongous truck.

This is where my heart started pounding. So many times I've seen kids come so close to getting hurt, and yet they remain oblivious, stuck in their own little fantasy worlds. It terrifies me and makes me wonder if I want to be a mother someday - I'd be so paranoid! Anyway, good job sticking with the triumphant thoughts Darry has throughout this.

“Darry!” Ralph’s small voice called out, that annoying little voice of a little brother. Darry rolled his eyes and turned to see the semi come barreling forward, and standing right in front of it-was Ralph.

And this is where I get sick. I really like how you have the annoyed big brother voice, and yet the readers can see through it to the story. Where Darry hears the annoying voice of his little brother, I hear the cracked and frightened voice of a little boy. It breaks my heart everytime I read it.

“Ralph!” Darry screamed, watching Ralph’s small body crush beneath the gigantic steel monster. The driver didn’t even notice and drove onwards, leaving Darry stunned. Darry’s bike slipped from his hands and crashed against the road. All he could see was Ralph—his crumpled form lying across the black tar.

Here's where I disagree with Trident - I think the fact that you described it in brutal detail makes it incredibly effective. It's the moment Darry grows up, in my opinion. It's definitely the spot where the tone changes. It goes from lighthearted, innocent fantasy world to the cold and cruel reality of the outside world. And it completely shocks the reader, jarring him or her. Very effective and powerful.

Darry walked forward. Nobody knew what just happened, except-Darry, and all he saw was his brother. His friend. He hadn’t meant what he’d said about Ralph. But Ralph would never know that. Darry reached Ralph with tears brimming in his eyes and cradled his blonde head amidst his arms. He slowly rocked, back and forth, holding his brother, whispering, “Why...”

Hmm... This last paragraph... I'm not sure what to say about it, really. I don't know if it needs to be expanded or what needs to happen... The more I read it, the more I think it's okay, lol. I'm sure it'll bug me for a few days.

Overall... Wow. Definitely not what I expected when I first started reading it. It's an excellent piece, and I'm impressed that you packed so much into so little space. Very emotional, very powerful. I'll keep thinking about that ending and see if I can come up with any insight.

I suppose I'll take liberties and disagree with Crysi in a few places here, LOL.

I did like this. You have, as I said, a gift for simile (yeah, the booger line cracked me up) and your ability to get inside your characters' heads is undeniable.

But (and you knew this was coming) there are some parts which really need some work, even besides the dreaded last paragraph.

1. Mud flew everywhere as he dove into the black pit of goo behind the famed apple tree that made up his imaginary war base. Peeking from behind a monstrous limb, he carefully scoped the orchard, searching for the enemy.

This is action, right? Battle, war and all that? My advice, then, would be to drop the long sentences and go for some short, sharp description. "Mud flew as he dove for cover. Peeking from behind the apple tree, his imaginary war base, he carefully scoped the orchard. Where was the enemy?"

A nice beginning, definitely - you hook the reader straight away. But I would try to underscore the tension of the moment with your structure as well as your words.

2. Ralph crawled up behind him, groping through the morass in injury. “I’ve been shot, Darry!” He screamed as loud as his six-year old lungs could allow.

Love the last line. Invokes some great memories. However, "groping through the morass in injury"? Groping and morass I guess I understand - very war-novel-esq - but "in injury"? Sounds wrong to me. Perhaps something more like, "groping through the morass in agony" or pain, if you want it to be less strong, or "groping dramatically through the morass" even.

3. Darry quickly turned, “Hush up!” He held a finger to his lips, “the enemy will hear you.” Darry laid flat against the mud, slowly crawling out from behind the tree and then jumping to the next, with sour apples soaring at him from a few yards away.

Yeah, I think I'm with Crysi here. "Darry turned quickly and held a finger to his lips. "Hush up! The enemy will hear you!".

4. Mary’s giggling voice screamed at him as her arm launched another apple that missed by an inch, “I’ll get you!” She fell out from behind the tree, rolling around in a fit of laughter.

And here.

5. Darry and Ralph immediately stood up and yelled in horror, “What’re you doing?”

Mary slowly contained herself after a few deep breaths and then stood up. Her dress was torn and muddied from the battle and she yelled back in a duh sort of voice, “I’m laughing!”

And here.

5. “You can’t laugh in war!” Ralph argued with his twin [s]sister[/s], looking up at Darry for a nod of brotherly affirmation [s]that he was right and Mary was wrong.[/s] Darry rolled his eyes instead and looked away from his siblings.

I agree with Trident here.

6. Darry started, putting on his most mature voice, “Well, you see, Mary-“

“No, I don’t see!”

“Yeah, I know that you don’t see, that’s why-“

“Well, then why are you telling me that I see? I don’t understand why I can’t laugh.”

This does strike me as kind of awkward. Work on it a bit more it doesnt feel natural. Also, it reads better as: "Well, you see, Mary - " Darry started, putting on his most mature voice.

7. Darry raised his hands, exasperated, and walked away from his brother and sister towards the house. He couldn’t handle this today. This wasn’t how things were supposed to go. He had planned to hang out with the boys today. But they couldn’t because of the last neighborhood fiasco Darry had caused. Mothers just weren’t into mud wars he guessed, and now he was featured as the town rebel and his mother wasn’t letting him play with the boys for a whole week. What was an eight year old to do on a farm with a pair of annoying siblings?

And yeah, this paragraph is entirely too long and way too whiney. The voice is great, sure, but it's too much and it doesnt make much sense. Try to simplify. We dont need all the back story all at once.

8. “But, Mother said you weren’t supposed to leave the house.” Ralph was overjoyed at knowing what his mother would say and gave a toothy grin. /i]

This feels kind of off. Why do they call her mother? If this is modern day, shouldnt it be mom (or mum)? Why is Ralph overjoyed? I read it in a pouty tone too, so you might want to change the wording if he's meant to be gleeful.

9. [i]Darry quickly grabbed the new bike he’d received for his birthday as soon as he reached the garage and steered it towards the open street. He tried to forget about Ralph and mumbled just loud enough so Ralph could hear behind him, “Little brothers, who needs ‘em! They’re always so stupid. Following you around everywhere.” He hoped it would drive Ralph away but it didn’t. He decided to continue ignoring him and guided the bike carefully across the driveway.

Another paragraph that needs to be cut down. Simplify! If you're trying to be concise, I'm afraid you're not doing a great job, LOL. Also, separate your dialogue here.

10. The bike was brand new and Darry admired its gleaming red surface, sparkling so brilliantly in the sun. It quickly distracted his mind from Ralph and he hopped aboard the bike, imagining himself as a pilot in a newfound jet airplane. Making the noises of an erupting engine, he pedaled madly across the street hovering just beneath the driver’s view of a semi truck driving towards him. Pretending the semi was an enemy plane, he sped away, reaching the other side, at least ten feet before his enemy could ever reach him; he whooped and stabbed the air with his fist amidst the noise of the humongous truck.

Again, streamline this. I like the tone; so very different from what comes next, and the contrast is a nice shocker.

11. “Darry!” Ralph’s small voice called out, that annoying little voice of a little brother. Darry rolled his eyes and turned to see the semi come barreling forward, and standing right in front of it-was Ralph.

AAAH! LOL. I'd remove the hyphen at the end there, it makes the dramatics seem cheap and pretentious.

12.“Ralph!” Darry screamed, watching Ralph’s small body crush beneath the gigantic steel monster. The driver didn’t even notice and drove onwards, leaving Darry stunned. Darry’s bike slipped from his hands and crashed against the road. All he could see was Ralph—his crumpled form lying across the black tar.

Again, this is high action! This is drama! This should not be long sentences, this should be short, direct, punchy, sharp. It should hurt. I disagree with Trident entirely -- if anything, there should be MORE detail here. Let me see if I can show you what I mean (I know I have the tendency to milk the moment too, so I'm probably not the best person to be telling you this, LOL):

"Ralph!" Darry screamed.

He saw the truck's fender hit his brother in the back with terrible force. The small boy crumpled, crushed beneath the thundering steel. The driver didnt stop. He hadnt even noticed the bump.

Darry's bike dropped from his hands as he ran to his brother. All he could see was Ralph - his huddled form lying across the tar.

12. Darry walked forward. Nobody knew what just happened, except-Darry, and all he saw was his brother. His friend. He hadn’t meant what he’d said about Ralph. But Ralph would never know that. Darry reached Ralph with tears brimming in his eyes and cradled his blonde head amidst his arms. He slowly rocked, back and forth, holding his brother, whispering, “Why...”

And here we come to the dreaded last paragraph. Oi. What can we do here?

Realistically speaking, there is the fact that Ralph is (sorry) going to be pretty much..er..mangled, by his encounter. What are the likely physical effects on Darry here? I'd guess probably vomiting, shaking, feeling sweaty and faint, etc. Shock, more or less. So you could bring that in.

"Why?" is pretty much a cop out kind of reaction, IMHO. Think of something more guttral. Something...deep, rending, something that will leap out and bite us. Maybe, "I didnt mean it, Ralph. I didnt mean it."? Then you have the guilt and the gut-wrenching at the same time hehe.

I'll give you my own rewriting of the scene, in case that helps. Otherwise, maybe PM me if you want to discuss it more. It's late and I gtg, so I will have to be brief.

Darry crouched beside his brother's body. Ignoring the blood, he reached out a hand and touched Ralph's cheek. It was still warm.

"Ralph?" Darry whispered. He felt tears brimming in his eyes, and sat back on his heels, scrubbing at his face with his hands. Why had Ralph done it? Why had be been so stupid? The other boy's body lay in a crumpled heap, a silent accusation. Of course. He'd done it to show Darry he wasnt going to be left behind.

It was all his fault.

"I'm sorry!" Darry wailed, suddenly beginning to cry in earnest. "I didnt mean it, Ralph! I didnt mean it!"

But Ralph would never know that now.

I dont know. It's stupid, I guess, but best I can come up with on short notice, LOL. Anyway, I think you need to make it more involved; at the moment, it's kind of matter-of-fact, with you telling us what Darry does and how Darry feels, when you really need to *show* us what's going on inside him.

Still, overall a nice piece. Definitely has potential

Cheers,
~bubbles

Hello there Aero!

Ralph crawled up behind him, groping through the morass in injury.

I'm going to be incredibly picky, the two "in" sounds one after another bothers me when it's read.

“You can’t laugh in war!” Ralph argued with his twin sister, looking up at Darry for a nod of brotherly affirmation that he was right and Mary was wrong. [/qoute] I think this would read better if made into two sentences, "...his twin sister. He looked up at Darry for a ..." it also keeps the tense all the same, instead of using 'looking'.

In that paragraph (the same one as the above quote) you use the verb look twice and it bit me on the nose

Mary’s face turned beet red and she turned on Darry before Ralph could answer

You use turned twice! Perhaps say "Mary's face was beet red" its more direct.

Darry looked at him and then pointed towards his brand new bike leaning against the garage, “I’m going for a ride.” Then pointing to the house, said, “You’re going home!”

I'm stuck, is it toward, or towards? I think it would be towards, but it could work the other way too, I feel it needs to be clarified... and I think he should say, "And you're going home!"

I think the thoughts should be in italics.

Darry quickly grabbed the new bike he’d received for his birthday as soon as he reached the garage and steered it towards the open street.

Do we really need to know he received it for his birthday? If not, don't tell us. It kind of follows along the lines of, "Don't tell us there is a gun in the room if someone isn't going to get shot."

I noticed you mentioned it being "new" later on, and I'm still waiting for that to matter at all to the story What if it was an old bike, would it loose any relevance to the child?

. Making the noises of an erupting engine, he pedaled madly across the street hovering just beneath the driver’s view of a semi truck driving towards him.

This sentence goes from childish kid to OMFG too quickly. Maybe its a good thing? But maybe it isn't. It jumps out at the reader because we don't expect it. Thats like..."Mary was a cute girl with ribbons in her hair, until she was attacked by a lion at the zoo and she lost her head." But this could be a good thing, maybe I'm just being too critical.

that annoying little voice of a little brother.

you used the word little twice.

and standing right in front of it-was Ralph.

what kind of use are you using this dash for? maybe for enphasis? I think the story could do without it, but honestly it is up to you. but, hit ALT+0151, that will give you a proper dash. Or, hit the hyphen key twice (--).

watching Ralph’s small body crush beneath the gigantic steel monster.

Those words seem almost too strong for this story, and again it jumped out at me...

Nobody knew what just happened, except-Darry

Now, in this case, I think the dash is unneeded all together. A dash is to bring emphasis, and I think the emphasis is already raised strong enough by the action. (You know, they call dashes "The pregnant pause"?)

It's cute, from the beginning, but it follows an all too common pattern. person A doesn't appreciate person B and does a mean thing to person B. Person B dies, and Person A is sad because they will never be able to say sorry/make it up to the person/feels guilty.

Again its cute but I wasn't very interested... I kind of had a feeling something like this would happened, and I really hoped it wouldn't. I wanted something more original, perhaps they go on a little trip together and find something disgusting? Like a dead body? Anything, this was too...expected.

Other than the story itself, even reading it was kind of boring. I can't really get out why it read boring—it just did. (Look at that lovely pregnant pause of mine!) I wish I could help you beyond that, but I think the fact that (to me) the story has been done before so many times, there isn't much point in saving it. Sorry I'm so negative on it! One way to save it would be to add your own spin on the common pattern I mentioned above, give it your own twist... Otherwise, the reader might start thinking, "Have I ever read this before?"

Though, as an exercise, it did its job

I liked bubblewrapped's ending. I agree that you should milk as much emotion out of the ending as you can. I mean, seriously, I highly doubt that, if you saw someone hit by a semi, you would crouch next to the body and just say, "Why?" I know I would be unable to speak, I'd be crying uncontrollably, I'll be forever scarred. Try to show that Darry is never going to react the same to anything ever again.

I like the use of three different kinds of pain that Ralph experiences throughout the story. It starts off with pretend pain, just two boys playing war games in the mud. Then comes the emotional pain after Darry gets done yelling at him. And finally, the physical pain, as Ralph's body is crushed and mangled by the semi. It just escalated, and I felt so bad for little Ralph.

Good story, I liked it.

Overall I love how you've portayed that typical kind of brotherly rivalry at the beginning and throughout the story, and at the end brought in the dramatic part where Ralph gets ran over and all of Darry's dislike for his brother dissolves and we see the love.

"he’d followed Darry around like a booger you can’t get off."

I think that quote is so appropriate, just to the age group of the characters. It made me laugh and I think it's a great comparison.

I like how Darry is characterised as a kind of 'bossy boots' at first and he seems quick to go in a huff and doesn't seem to like anyone at all, until (I think) that Ralph gets killed and his 'front', as you could call it, disappears.

I'm not sure how you should end it..perhaps take it on to when Darry has grown up, how it affected him when he was older? Or maybe how Darry deals with it at the time? Anyway, I loved this story, I hope you get to finishing it

This was a really cool piece Aero- I really liked how you portrayed the relationship between the siblings perfectly. I have two little sisters, and honestly, that's exactly how I would have reacted if I were eight in that situation. Your scenario was believable. So believable in fact, that I could feel the unbearable guilt that Darry had to endure when he found his brother on the road. I can imagine that he feels it is his fault for the cause of his brother's death. Since it ended so abruptly, I would love to see how this story affected Darry in the future- and how that guilt will carry with him for the rest of his life. Well done!

-Ember

The entire piece has been edited, using the majority of everyone's suggestions and I feel it is a lot better than what it once was. Feel free to take a look. I would love and appreciate any and all critiques! Thank-you so much for your help and time!

I thought that the edited version was a lot better in the reaction that Darry had to Ralph's death. Instead of the generic 'Why?' he actually pounded his fist into the ground and said 'I'm sorry'. I could only imagine what that must have felt like. Well done! I think that the most you've made in your improvements was the ending. Overall, outstanding job again!

-Ember

Wow. This is pretty well written story, IMO. I like how you have Darry reacting his his little brother, treating him like he's just a pest. His reaction to seeing Ralph (It's weird for me to talk about a person named Ralph since that's my name =P) hit by the semi was pretty well written in this version. I do have a question about the semi though? Where is it? I thought they were on a farm? Where did a semi come from in the middle of a farm? And the way I read it, the drive was just starting up the truck, is that not correct? If it is, the semi would've stated slow and when Ralph got hit by it, it probably wouldn't have killed him instantly like you have it. It would've injured him and then he would've probably been pushed by the semi or have just fallen down and gone underneath the truck since they're pretty high above the ground. Unless he was run over by the actual wheel of it, which if that's the case, you might wanna make the more obvious in the writing. Another thing about the semi, (My dad used to drive them for a living so I've been in quite a few) the driver would definitely notice if he hit a person. Unless he was speeding along at 70 MPH and the body went underneath the middle of the truck, he would notice, even then he still might notice.

If you have any questions about what I said, feel free to PM me!

--RGallagher