Young Writers Society

Removed by the author for purposes of publication.

I apologize for the inconvenience.

See above.

Wow, i like this.

But where is the light, and where is the dark?

Apart from that it's really, really good.

Uh... I'm not sure exactly why it mattered where the light was and where the dark was... that's the reason that I didn't feel the need to try and define that...

But if you really need the answer... for me, the light is out in the open where I don't have to hide things from my parents, and the dark where I do. They're not two defined locations really.

oh, i never thought of how you are with your parents and how you are with your friends in that way...
were you dragged into drinking/smoking/stuff/ well, not really dragged, but with peer pressure there's not really much difference...


*looks thoughtful*
~blue~

Wow. Words cannot describe how much I admire this. The imagery you used with the dark vs. light is amazing. There was a desolate undertone ringing throughout the events--I felt like I really could relate to Angel's despair, especially in the end as she hopelessly downed bottle after bottle. Well done.

*takes a bow* thank you very much!

I like it. It's deep, dark and disturbing.

It's (for lack of a better word) unsettling. But excellent. Very well-written and gripping. I found Angel's fear easy to feel and was actually afraid along with her- something that is rather difficult to create. It was so sad how she ended up though...drowning herself in the bottle.....Alek is an evil, evil character.

All and all, you did a marvelous job...great descriptions and everything. The only suggestion I can make is to break up some of your paragraphs a bit more-- my eyes skimmed over several places that were important so I had to go back and reread.

Thanks to both of you.

Areida - Could you possibly tell me where the paragraphs would need to be broken up specifically? I thought I'd kept my paragraphs pretty short and after a quick read through, I couldn't really find the places you were talking about.

I want to be afraid. I want to run away. I want to go back home. But I can’t make myself feel that way. If I can’t feel anything here, then what makes me think that I’ll be able to feel the warmth back home? And what if I go back and the sun doesn’t make me feel anything? What if the color and the warmth do nothing for me anymore? What will I do then? No… I want to keep my memories of that place and that feeling intact. I won’t ruin them by going back to it and finding that it’s not what I believed it was.

My eyes skimmed over the middle two lines. Maybe start a new paragraph at "No..I want to keep..."? Anyway, it's not really a big concern, I really loved this.

Thanks a ton. I think I agree with you on splitting up the paragraph *goes to modify post*

By the way, I love your signature. It's a great quote.

Me like. Definitely kept me interested. The dialogue was great. Very believable, which is a rare thing on sites like this. And I think you really did succeed in your original goal, simply to work on flow and imagery. Good job.

Thanks much, Reichieru.

Ahem, well. This had a Matrix-style feel to it; in terms of the real world versu the Matrix, the illusion. Apart from that, I think whoever judges/reads this will be very impressed with your writing; its excellent.

Just a couple of thing's I'll mention. Over-use of ellipses: In some places it just doesnt fit, its out of place.

I want color again, and warmth, and…

“See, Angel,” he says, his voice cold… hard… real

“Erynn…” he laughs. “So did you…”

She stiffens. “Yes, Alek, I did…”

The pain leaves… The coldness remains

just something broken and beaten… Exactly the way I am feeling.

No... I want to keep my memories

That's most of the ellipses you've used. I think the 2nd, 3rd, 5th and 6th example need to be changed. Also, the 'cold, hard' description is perhaps a tad overdone. Then again, I also think that its necessary to some extent due to the contrast it shows between the different places.

I want to be afraid. I want to run away. I want to go back home

I want to turn, want to run, want to get away from him,

That type of repetition gets a little bit wearing.

And I still don’t care.

But I want to care. How can this be? I feel dead. Or rather, I don’t feel anything. But I want to. I want to. Angrily, I take another drink.

I have a problem with this. It seems as though the opening sentence contradicts the passage that follows and in all honesty, I dont think the passage does anything for the story. The duality of feeling was established before, and it was done quite well. You do it again; thats still fine. But then to continue on it with the passage above? I think you should take it out.

Apart from those things, minor things really, this is exceedingly well written adn I doubt you'll have any problems getting that scholarship.