It's hard to say without knowing more about the wider context and the general tone of the novel. On its own, it sounds a bit cheesy, but it depends on the delivery and who is saying/thinking it. Would you be able to give us the paragraph it's part of?
The backs of my eyes hum with things I've never done.
I would give you the blurb it’s part of but I’m so embarassed about my bad writing from the first draft I’m very hhhhhesitant to ha.
Basically character A gets in a fight with a foe who can use fire magic. Character B is in the fight with the foes plural. Character A gets burned and rolls to get the fire out and it’s not until post-fight when all of the foes are defeated that B looks over to A and thinks this to themselves. Character B can be pretty cheesy and occasionally delivers bad jokes so I don’t think it’s ooc and I think it COULD be played off well... it’s more just that.... me writing up to that point, I’d have to establish that B is attracted to A to some degree. Which like was sort of done in the original but not WELL lol so I think the reason I’m scared to do the line is cause I’d have to figure out how to write a sort of light crush well (not my comfort zone). And the reasons I want to include the line are cause I think if done well it could be really funny?
Also it was kind always an iconic line in my head so it’s a little hard to let go HAHA
That does help a bit, though I'm still hesitant to say whether you should/shouldn't scrap it when I haven't read the thing for myself. The one thing I will say is that I wouldn't include the line without establishing the light crush beforehand, because I reckon it'll just wrong-foot your reader if you come out with that joke off the bat. Still, if it's not OOC for the character, I don't see why you shouldn't be able to keep it. Always be prepared to kill your darlings, though.
The backs of my eyes hum with things I've never done.
tfw i shouldn’t have made a poll i should’ve just like.... asked for a second opinion but i’m just extra i guess
THANKS SO MUCH PAN. I think you just motivated me to kill the line ha. It’s a great memory but I think in the long run, it just doesn’t fit at that point in the story. Or rather, I don’t wanna work around it to make it fit since it’s just one little line.
It had a perfectly round door like a porthole, painted green, with a shiny yellow brass knob in
the exact middle. The door opened on to a tube-shaped hall like a tunnel: a very comfortable tunnel without smoke, with panelled walls, and floors tiled and carpeted, provided with polished chairs, and lots and lots of pegs for hats and coats—the hobbit was fond of visitors. The tunnel wound on and on, going fairly but not quite straight into the side of the hill —The Hill, as all the people for many miles round called it—and many little round doors opened out of it, first on one side and then on
another. — JRR Tolkien
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