It's hard to say without knowing more about the wider context and the general tone of the novel. On its own, it sounds a bit cheesy, but it depends on the delivery and who is saying/thinking it. Would you be able to give us the paragraph it's part of?
The backs of my eyes hum with things I've never done.
I would give you the blurb it’s part of but I’m so embarassed about my bad writing from the first draft I’m very hhhhhesitant to ha.
Basically character A gets in a fight with a foe who can use fire magic. Character B is in the fight with the foes plural. Character A gets burned and rolls to get the fire out and it’s not until post-fight when all of the foes are defeated that B looks over to A and thinks this to themselves. Character B can be pretty cheesy and occasionally delivers bad jokes so I don’t think it’s ooc and I think it COULD be played off well... it’s more just that.... me writing up to that point, I’d have to establish that B is attracted to A to some degree. Which like was sort of done in the original but not WELL lol so I think the reason I’m scared to do the line is cause I’d have to figure out how to write a sort of light crush well (not my comfort zone). And the reasons I want to include the line are cause I think if done well it could be really funny?
Also it was kind always an iconic line in my head so it’s a little hard to let go HAHA
That does help a bit, though I'm still hesitant to say whether you should/shouldn't scrap it when I haven't read the thing for myself. The one thing I will say is that I wouldn't include the line without establishing the light crush beforehand, because I reckon it'll just wrong-foot your reader if you come out with that joke off the bat. Still, if it's not OOC for the character, I don't see why you shouldn't be able to keep it. Always be prepared to kill your darlings, though.
The backs of my eyes hum with things I've never done.
tfw i shouldn’t have made a poll i should’ve just like.... asked for a second opinion but i’m just extra i guess
THANKS SO MUCH PAN. I think you just motivated me to kill the line ha. It’s a great memory but I think in the long run, it just doesn’t fit at that point in the story. Or rather, I don’t wanna work around it to make it fit since it’s just one little line.
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