Young Writers Society

What do you do
When hope
Is gone
And all you have
Has fled?

What can you do
When faith has left you,
And because you lept,
You bled?

How can you love,
When love
has run away?

What can happen
If you try
To find your way?

I need
Someone to light
My darkness!

Someone bold,

Someone true.

But where can I find
This person,
In a world
That's cold
To but few?

Okay, first thing I have to say about this poem is to eliminate every comma you used at the end of a line unless it's grammatically correct. Too many commas make a poem unreadable, and it sounds silly, not to mention it makes the reader pause at the end of every line to take a breath - it sounds like you're trying to make them hyperventilate.

It's a common mistake beginning poets make - heck, I did that when I started out.

However, moving on.

First stanza- (sans commas on everything out from here). I like how this is a question, though I'm not sure I like the spacing. Perhaps it would work better flow-wise as "What do you do/When hope is gone,/And all you have/Has fled?" It's your poem - and your choice to make - though, so. It's nice, it drags the reader into the poem somewhat, it's stable enough.

Second stanza- I believe the "as" in the second line you meant to be "has"; "lept" is spelt "leapt". Other than that, I like the meaning you're stressing here, with the loss of faith and hope. It's slightly cheesy, slightly emo-sounding, but it's stable so far. Also, the comma after "leapt" is actually grammatically correct, so here, you would only have to get rid of the one after "do" in the first line. (The comma after "you" in the second connects the two independent clauses.)

Third stanza- "Whe" in the second line should be "when"; "has" in the third seems like it ought to be capitalised. The comma after "love" in the first line seems like it could be stylistic (though in the second, the comma absolutely must go); it could stay or leave.

Fourth stanza- again, the comma after "happen" seems stylistic; it could stay or leave, and there would simply be a style difference. I like what this is saying, though; it's almost like a dare to the reader to attempt to find their way in this.

Fifth- "some one" ought to be "someone"; the comma after "darkness" can stay. This is where the poem feels like it's starting to get cheesy. "Someone bold and true"? This sounds like the speaker wants a fairytale to come her way, and this didn't start off as a fairytale poem.

Sixth stanza- okay, this feels like a bit of a cheesy wishing Christmas poem, but I like how it ends, wistful and longing. The comma after "choosing" can stay, but all the rest must go.

I'm not sure how I feel about this poem. From the first to last stanzas, the message seems to change - at first it's mysterious, drawing you in, and then it morphs into the speaker basically sitting there and telling the reader that they want someone to come along and help them. I suppose it disappointed me a bit.

Aside from the comma issue, this is fairly strong. Word choice could be better, but at least the rhyme didn't sound very forced - not to me, at least. I like how you took this head-on, though the poem itself sounds a bit simple and too straightforward.

Keep on writing.

Thanksfor the pointers. And, actually, (This may suprise you) I am a dude. So, when I write, most of my stuff is from the guyveiwpoint. I wasn't intendingto rhyme, I guess it just... happend. I forgot to runthis through Word, so the simple ('stupid') errors weren't down to my norm,but I'll get to fixxing thoose. I'm actually suprised at the speed of your review! Should be better now! ^^