Young Writers Society

Do you remember when
we used to play
limbs intertwined
one person
two heads?

How about the coppery
taste of blood
As I pulled
your first
Tooth?

A callous sacrifice
to the gods
Of freedom fairness
and Fun.

Or the frank vegetable
scent of earth
as we fumbled
hands and knees
hunting
for the elusive
four leaf clover?

It would bring us good luck
for
Ever
and Ever
and Ever.

I absolutely adore the imagery in this poem! I just love it.

Of freedom fairness
and Fun.

I think you need to add a comma between freedom and fairness, or some other separation, because it kind of tripped me up when I was reading it.

It would bring us good luck
for
Ever
and Ever
and Ever.

Maybe add a '...' after the last Ever (or maybe after each) to add to the effect of it going on forever.


Great job!

yes...this is a very nice and well written poem. It reminds me of me and my friends...*sigh* good job, I don't have any critique.

Do you remember when
we used to play
limbs intertwined
one person
two heads

:Laughs: That could have been one whole line!
Anyway, on a serious note, the lines were too short to not be deep. Also, when you don't use commas (I feel like I've said this one hundred times but with having an english major for a mother, I can't help myself), it really makes the poem where it doesn't fit together. As I previously stated, more than one of the stanzas could have been one line. Perhaps you don't want to change it to this, so, you should just keep it this way and just add commas...needs commas...

Thanks for the comments and crit I really appreciate it

I love the poem it really does have wonderful imagery I guess this is because all of us have expereinced this but you really capture it with your words !
Muchous love wu

Or the frank vegetable
scent of earth
as we fumbled
hands and knees
hunting
for the elusive
four leaf clover?

I absolutely love love love this stanza, it's the best of all! I'll say it again, you are fabulous with imagery!

It would bring us good luck
for
Ever
and Ever
and Ever.

I don't like the line break between the first "for" and the first "Ever". I think they should be on one line, or even one word.

Yet another fabulous poem! I'd be interested to read any more that you might have to post, I think you are really fabulous!

Do you remember when
we used to play
limbs intertwined
one person
two heads?

This is more like one thing than five. It doesn't really flow and you need commas!

How about the coppery
taste of blood
As I pulled
your first
Tooth?

Put tooth on the same line as your first.

Of freedom fairness
and Fun.

ARGGG!!! Use commas!!!!! freedom,fairness,and fun...

It would bring us good luck
for
Ever
and Ever
and Ever.

The repetition didn't work for me..dunno why...
Anyway, the writing was okay and the poem was really more of a surface poem in my opinion... I would say that you should tell us how you feel about recalling all of these memories.

Oh, I absolutly adored it. Very descriptive, beutiful.
But for some critiqe.

The first stanza

Do you remember when
we used to play
limbs intertwined
one person
two heads?

I didn't qutie unterstand it at first but after a few reads got it.

The second stanza

How about the coppery
taste of blood
As I pulled
your first
Tooth?

Very descriptive, sort of gross. But lovely all the same.

The third stanza

A callous sacrifice
to the gods
Of freedom fairness
and Fun.

Very beutiful, I really like the allteration 'freedom' fairness' and 'fun'

The foruth stanza

Or the frank vegetable
scent of earth
as we fumbled
hands and knees
hunting
for the elusive
four leaf clover?

I really like this stanza here, but I don't like how you seperated 'hunting'.

The fifth stanza

It would bring us good luck
for
Ever
and Ever
and Ever.

This stanza was my favorite, although I think you should put commas on the 'evers'.
Anyway it was a VERY beutiful poem, very well written!

I'm not sure why but I didn't like this. It was a little lifeless, and didn't seem to have any real emotion pouring through out, which is what I'd like to see more out of it. The repetition in the last two lines doesn't work for me either, it seems redundant. Some liines are to short, for example, I don't think "Tooth?" should be on it's own, no should "for" in the last stanza.

Nice poem, you have a very unique style. I didn't like all parts and I think you should work on it more. I got the overall general feel, though.

I liked it, except for the places where you have one-word lines. I can't STAND on-word lines unless they fit really well, which they don't. You should probably tack them on to the line before or after, like "your first tooth" "Forever, and ever, and ever..."

Actually, I think "hunting" is just fine on its own if you add commas. I'm no expert on commas in poetry (in fact I'm not a huge fan of commas in poems) so I won't tell you where exactly to put them, but you do need commas.

Otherwise, great poem!

CAG77, you're crazy. Enjambement is one of the greatest techniques in poetry. Although I do agree that one-word lines are bad. Each line should at least have one concept, and just having one word doesn't usually cut it. For instance, "Tooth?" is not a concept in and of itself, but "and fun" fits well because it portrays a lone concept of enjoyment that connects to the previous line. Just watch out for where you separate lines, too. You don't want to cut a thought in half, you just want to have two related thoughts flowing from one line to the next. Get what I'm saying? Anyways, I really liked the poem. It was short and pointed.

I like this poem. I think it has a sweetness to it that many poems lack.

Do you remember when
we used to play
limbs intertwined
one person
two heads?

Thats both a funny image and a clever use of words. I like the way you used visuals to represent your meaning of how close the friends are.

How about the coppery
taste of blood
As I pulled
your first
Tooth?

Yick! Effective, but I have to say a little bloodthirsty, lol. Not my favourite stanza though.

A callous sacrifice
to the gods
Of freedom fairness
and Fun.

Maybe these two should be one stanza? It makes more sense that way. Could jsut be me sectioning it off to review, though hehe. You need a comma after "freedom". Why "fairness"?

Or the frank vegetable
scent of earth
as we fumbled
hands and knees
hunting
for the elusive
four leaf clover?

I love this verse. "the frank vegetable/scent of earth" - my favourite lines.

It would bring us good luck
for
Ever
and Ever
and Ever.

I dont think the capitals are a good idea here but I like the repetition. It could use a bit of a stronger ending, IMHO.

Overall, a sweet piece. I loved it, although it didnt really have much substance to it, I think. Thats OK though. Not everything has to be heavy, and there was a deft sort of skill in your word-weaving here. I enjoyed the way it evoked my own memories; nice way to play on the readers emotions, without being trite or abandoning your own. A lovely poem.

i like this poem - its the sort of style that i like to read
and write a lot... short and sweet!
i love poems that have short lines - if they're too long
i dont think they flow as well but i love this for the way
that it flows and for the image that it portrays.

Do you remember when
we used to play

i think you need a question mark at the end of this
sentence instead of having a really long sentence that
seems in need of some grammar...

limbs intertwined
one person
two heads?

this is a good part of the poem but as other people
have said already, it would probably be more effective
with commas.

How about the coppery
taste of blood
As I pulled
your first
Tooth?

this is my favourite part of the poem... and you're right!
blood really does taste 'coppery' - its probably one of the
best words to describe it...

A callous sacrifice
to the gods
Of freedom fairness
and Fun.

i dont really understand this part... i suppose its games
that you play when you're a child - i think it does need a
couple of commas again

Or the frank vegetable
scent of earth
as we fumbled
hands and knees
hunting
for the elusive
four leaf clover?

this is nice but again needs commas in just a few places

It would bring us good luck
for
Ever
and Ever
and Ever.

i think maybe 'for' should be on the same line as 'ever' but
thats just cause it looks a bit strange at the moment...

hope ive helped!

~KayJuran~