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Young Writers Society


You, Yourself, and Shut Up



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Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 681
Wed Dec 07, 2005 11:25 pm
Sponson Light says...



You'll cry, you'll weep,
you'll bawl in shame.
When your school status falls,
and theres nothing to blame.

But You

You say your friends
are no longer your friends.
And that your wounds
will never truely mend.
That nobody will love you
and away they send,
the only important person.

Thats You

You say your alone
without a buddy.
You hope your scars
will never be shown.
Stop with the non-sense,
you act like your six.
You weep and you cry
and you always complain,
that nobody likes you
and as if they said "bye"

To You.

You'll plunge off the deep end,
you'll over react.
You'll write dark poetry,
and act like your wack.
You'll wear all black,
and spike your hair.
You'll look rediculous,
not that anyone cares.
And when your through this stupid phase,
your friend is no longer a friend.
You'll try to find anything to blame

But Yourself

So down you'll fall,
you have nothing there.
Nothing to catch you,
you'll say its not fair.
Well a phrase from me,
so you can get back up,
for your future relation.
BUILD A FOUNDATION.
You shouldn't judge a book by it's cover, instead, you should read every single book to see what every book is about before you even come close to judging its viability.
  





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375 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 375
Thu Dec 08, 2005 4:51 am
Dargquon Ql'deleodna says...



oh so true, yet hard to build strong foundations.
Life's a B*tch, slap it upside the head.

Dargquon Ql'deleodna: (n) "Dar-qu-on Kel-del-ode-na" something i made up that sounded cool, partially based off of the Drow Drizzt Do'Urden's name style
  





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Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 67
Thu Dec 08, 2005 2:45 pm
The Silent Aviator says...



Good poem.
I agree with Dargquon...
  





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665 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 6165
Reviews: 665
Thu Dec 08, 2005 6:46 pm
Chevy says...



I like the concept but I don't really see how this is Lyric, probably more Dramatic or Other but it's okay I guess. It was a bit lengthy and redundant; needs a little work but you're going in the right direction.

"You say your friends
are no longer your friends."
This was a little redundant...and I think it could be written differently.

"BUILD A FOUNDATION."
Kind of unexpected...but not only that, it didn't seem to fit...it was just like you couldn't think of anything else to say. I think the poem would sound better if you just dropped it completely.
when there's nowhere to go, it's time to grow up.
  





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665 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 6165
Reviews: 665
Thu Dec 08, 2005 6:46 pm
Chevy says...



(sorry to double post)


Chevy's Critiquing Scale
far left colon - not so great
far right colon - excellent

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when there's nowhere to go, it's time to grow up.
  








The most difficult thing in the world is to know how to do a thing and to watch somebody else doing it wrong, without comment.
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