Young Writers Society

THIRD EDIT...

The Wreckage of the Tomb

I thought I saw the sea of death
curling over the sighing horizon
and swiftly did The Dark Mortality catch
the shift in the lee of stark dover-cliffs.

Sad were the thoughts then, as the sloop
approached me, shredded sails patched
with Hades-magic,
the bow a figurehead of Persephone.

I have written my own tale in the sand
and unlike Ianthe I have no
loving poet to imortalize me.
the footprints in slushy-sand are
swiftling carried away by the
lapping liquid.

So I went on that veiled ship
that so cradled and shackled me
and in the tumulous light of shadow and
shade - to all that I did or have never done
I bayed goodnight.

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I have been reading too much classic poetry lately. This was inspired by (1) all the poems entitled Ianthe or about Ianthe, and (2) by Hood's The Sea of Death. Check it out if you like poetry from the 1800s.

How very odd: I, too, was thinking in terms of old-style poems and ships.

I like this: it's my kind of poem, absolutely and to the hilt, full of great imagery and twisting sentances. It's got a superb gothic feel to it, there's some real force behind this.

My only issue is the third stanza: the wording is good, but that line is just to long and therefore disjointed. Perhaps break it up sooner: have more on the last line, less on the third.

Excellent, excellent, excellent: this *really* caught my attention; if I were you I'd be well satisfied with it. A good homage to Hood.

thank you Bob, I'll have to revise that section.

cheers CL

Cool title, it really caught my eye. A couple things:

Sad were the thoughts then, as the sloop
approached me,
shredded sails patched with Hades-magic

This little section was very choppy. The shorter line right after the longer line kind of kills it.

Overall the piece was a bit on the choppy side, but I think with just some smoothing over and tightening up it'll be much better.

One little thing - "bayed"...do you mean, "bade"? Otherwise, it just has, you know, a dog howl connotation, and that just doesnt seem to fit...

Otherwise, very...different. I loved the imagery.

Oh, I thought it was meant to be 'bayed,' after Cerberus, the dog that guarded the underworld. It gives that feeling of loss, as well: baying at the moon is slang for mourning a lost love.

Thankies Dream, bubble, and bob!

Dream: I have tried to fix that section, it too irked me.

bubble: I indeed write and meanbayed. I know that most of the times I have typos in my stuff, but this was not one.

bob: 1000 imaginary whose line points for you for figuring out the connotation of said bayed.

thankies all, and Dream it did take me a long time to figure out a title.

CL

Very Sapphic (in the poetic sense). I like.

thank you hon.

CL