Far be it for me to be deliberately cruel, but I have to be blunt.
While I am sorry for your loss and dont mean to belittle your feelings, so far as poetry goes these are both - in my opinion - pretty bad. They sound like those horrific e-mail forwards people are always cramming my inbox with. If I were you, I'd try dropping the rhyme. I know a lot of people have something against unrhymed poetry (I know I used to) but you may find it helps to free up some of your ideas and emotions, which, frankly, are too constrained and cliche at present to make a truly moving poem. For ideas, I suggest you take a look at 'untitled' by Faith in the Dramatic Poetry section. Its an incredible example of tribute poetry and may help you improve your own.
Yes, I would have to agree with Bubblewrapped. Sometimes rhyming poetry can really take away from the poem. It would also be nice if you dug back into the memory you had of your friend. And told about times like that--it would make it a lot more touching and more appealing to the audience.
i thought it was good, i liked the part that started with all why's, the rest was .............. anyway i feel you pain, a freind of my sisters (she was still sorta close, she was nice, cool, all that jazz) died by a horrible accident i care not to discuss
I have to agree with Chevy and Bubblewrapped. The rhyming takes away from the power of the poem. Remember--poems don't have to rhyme to be powerful.
"He who takes a life...it is as if he has destroyed an entire world....but he who saves one life, it is as if he has saved the world entire" Talmud Sanhedrin 4:5
!Hasta la victoria siempre! (Always, until Victory!)
-Ernesto "Che" Guevarra
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