Young Writers Society

I wrote this about five minutes ago so it probably isn't too good...

Is that what you wish to be?
Just another face in the crowd
A vivid memory erased
Times wasted
What was once here must be gone
Along with everything I knew to be true

You seem to make it a need
To be removed from my life
To take a final step
Off of the edge of my world
To others you will remain
Around myself you disappear

I feel the tension
Burning inside like the embers
Of my flaming life
To find the prosperity
Of my loss
There is none

You have already left
Without a warning or a care
You must not understand
Times wasted
What was once here is now gone
Along with everything I knew to be true

This was pretty good. Here's some crit.

Is that what you wish to be?
Just another face in the crowd
A vivid memory erased
Times wasted
What was once here must be gone
Along with everything I knew to be true

The first line really didn't draw you in. I think you could do better with that. The second line was a little too common a phrase. Try something more original and unique with the same message. The third and fourth lines weren't great, but they weren't bad either. Loved your last two lines.

You seem to make it a need
To be removed from my life
To take a final step
Off of the edge of my world
To others you will remain
Around myself you disappear

I liked your first four lines, but they were a little confusing. I liked 'off the edge of my world' especially. The fifth line was pretty good and the last line was really confusing. 'Around myself, you disappear'? Around myself? Just sounded a little weird to me.

I feel the tension
Burning inside like the embers
Of my flaming life
To find the prosperity
Of my loss
There is none

First three lines were awesome. Very nice. I think you should do the '...' effect after 'loss' in the fifth line for suspension of conclusion. I think you could describe 'loss' with a nice adjective too.

You have already left
Without a warning or a care
You must not understand
Times wasted
What was once here is now gone
Along with everything I knew to be true

First 2 lines were ok, not great though. 'You must not understand' was a little offstanding from the rest. I think you should, 'You can never understand all of the times wasted (all of the times wasted in a separate line)' To that stanza, I think you should addthe 'vivid memory erased' part too. I did like your last two lines though.

This was a pretty good poem with a pretty well portrayed point, but it really didn't grasp me, touch me or make me think. This can be good, but it definitely needs some work.
Good Job! Keep writing.