Young Writers Society

I see you in the morning window,
your green apple eyes
with a black licourish pupil
match your extroadinary glow.

The morning glistening sun
envelops your caramel brown hair
that flows swiftly and softly
as one.

The radiant red
of your bright fine lips
in the early morning hours,
"Mocha or Vanilla" they said.

Aha!

Yeah, so I loved this one. There was no suspense or intensity or anything. It was pure romance and then the sudden shock of reality and it was great.

Kudos.

Thank you, though, I tried using foods for descriptins, and I couldnt find anything for "radiant red".
But itll do. Food is delicious.

cherry red?
strawbarry red?
apple red?
punch rred?
peppermint red?
I liked it! Woot woot!

Ha, nice surprise.

I would go with "raspberry red." In fact, that's how I read it at first.

My only other comment is that you really need to spellcheck your work! There's several typos. Typos aren't usually a problem, but when the option of spellchecking is available and you don't use it... *cocks gun*

Also...

The radiant red
of your bright fine lips
in the early morning hours,
"Mocha or Vanilla" they said.

The ordering seems slightly off. I would have it more like this:

The raspberry red
of your bright fine lips
in the early morning hours,
part as you begin to speak,

"Mocha or Vanilla?"

Eh... that's not good either. But it's closer. "Mocha or Vanilla?" should be the highlight of the line, so you should seperate that.

Yeah... good luck!

The anti-climax was well timed. As it is, it is a feat in itself to have got in a climax and an anti- in such a short space.

Cliched, tired descriptions that offered nothing new. It just felt like boring lines on a page. Nothing drew me in, pushed me out, and there was no message underlying the thing. You could have been talking about your meal for all I cared.

Firestarter wrote:Cliched, tired descriptions that offered nothing new. It just felt like boring lines on a page. Nothing drew me in, pushed me out, and there was no message underlying the thing. You could have been talking about your meal for all I cared.

Then that I shall do.

Morning stuck with Noodles
gave me bad stomach
shoulda had poodles.

Lunch I had chicken
horrible rice and pilaf
and some yogurt with milk.

Dinner has yet to come.

HA HA! Talking about your meals is more interesting than was thought.
That'll set Firestarter on the backfoot, I'm sure.

Well at least your second effort had some degree of drama ...

Wasn't sure about this, the imagery wasn't anything original, if you wanna hear some really great food imagery listen to "the heart of saturday night" by Tom Waits. Also i didn't think the repetion of "the morning" added anything. The ending was quite good but thats about it.

Ha, sounds like you are stalking someone

Pure lovely lovable story of love with funny ending, I like it

I liked this one. I guess because I know what you feel. I have a crush on 2 grocery store clerks and one Starbucks clerk. They're gorgous. But I felt like even though Firestarter has a point about the cliche, it still sounds good. some times you need to write something simple and overdone to get your point across plain and simple. Romance for food or a hottie, because of the title I'm going with the hottie, is not something you need to complicate. I love it. However next time, go another step and make your reader think about it. Over all, it was great.