Shiver

A shiver.
What you are to me;
An inexplicable quiver.
A thump in my chest,
Which puts me off-guard -
Throws me off-beat.
And I tremble,
And there's a buzzing in my fingertips;
There’s desire coursing right through
To my fingertips.
It's physical, darling;
I'm physical.
We're physical beings
And, by God, I wouldn't change that.
I could never want to lose that.
And how wonderful,
That everything you are –
All the complex,
Inexplicable,
Things that you are to me
Can be summed up in this one:
This shiver.

This was...this was decent. I didn't hate it, but I didn't love it. I just sort "meh" about it.

I think it's biggest problem is the rhythm. It's really off in a few places, most memorably

And I tremble,
And there's a buzzing in my fingertips;
There’s desire coursing right through
To my fingertips.

and

And how wonderful,
That everything you are –
All the complex,
Inexplicable,
Things that you are to me

Yeah, the rhythm was just off.

I liked the concept, but I felt the execution was a little flawed and if the rhythm had been better it would have been a lot better, though I'm not sure how you'd fix said rhythm. Maybe use different, longer words that fit with the rest of it better.

7/10

A thump in my chest,
Which puts me off-guard -
Throws me off-beat.

I really like this, how simple it is but really deep at the same time. I also like your line breaks.

And there's a buzzing in my fingertips;
There’s desire coursing right through
To my fingertips.

I think this would sound better if instead of repeating the word 'fingertips', you could replace it with something like 'toes'.

This is a good poem! I enjoyed reading it. I hope this review helped...

Hi Em,

I still love this piece as much as I did when you showed me last week. Even more so now that you've cleared up that one ambiguous line.

One thing I didn't pick up on the first few times I read it, but noticed just then, is, as Loller said, the rhythm. I think it's all fine, except for

There's desire coursing right through
To my fingertips.

I think the second of these two lines is too short. It follows two rather long lines, and such a jump in rhythm felt a bit odd to me. How about

"There's desire coursing right through,
Right through to my fingertips."

I disagree with reaganpark, I really like the repetition of finger tips. It really drives the point home.

As I said, I still love this piece as much as I ever did! Nice work Em!