Heaven's Gate

Heaven’s Gate
by Patrick Mulvihill



Clouds sing softly, swimming in a morning breeze

Fly away so slowly, air so warm but veins that freeze

Closed eyes, you’ll dream today. Hoping, fearing words you pray.

Troubled dream, so cold it seems. Light’s your guide,

it illuminates the golden scene.





The clouds shift form, a tunnel will rise

His solemn gaze penetrates, hate denied.

Incredible and divine, He waits for you to look within,

See yourself for the first time.


Before your eyes, like storms they swim

Memories vile and dark within

Weigh the scales in your mind

Grasp to balance twisted wrongs and solemn right




Are you deserving? Should light hold this serene face

Should your hand fall and tumble down, so far forever?

Your own hands, your own eyes, can victimize

Judge and jury in your own pounding heart. You decide.

Decision made, the time’s so right, sweet God, so right

Pull the soul, bring it up. Rend the skies.

The gates fly open, the light it blinds.

Golden star so painfully kind.

Radiance in joy, frighteningly so.




But beyond that gate, you can almost see a world

that spans eternity so vast, so great, your mind pours tears.

The golden world blinds from beyond the gate so bright

It takes more than a man to step through those gates tonight.





As the title suggests, the poem is about the journey to heaven. It is simply my imagining of it and what emotions it must bring.

Hey! This is pigeon, here to review your poem

air so warm but veins that freeze

I love this phrase. It's very pretty and effective.

Troubled dream, so cold it seems. Light’s your guide,

it illuminates the golden scene.

The last line, 'it illuminates the golden scene.' seems very short and interrupts the flow. If you could maybe change the layout of the verse or add to this line I think it would read better.

a tunnel’s rise

I'm confused by this. Does the spostrophe mean that 'tunnel's' is short for 'tunnel is'. If so it should be 'a tunnel's rising'. If the apostrophe is a typo and 'tunnel's' is supposed to be 'tunnels' then it should be 'tunnels rise' without the 'a'. If it was actually supposed to be 'tunnel' then maybe it should be 'a tunnel rises'.

Before your eyes, like storms they swim

Memories vile and dark within

Weigh the scales in your mind

Grasp to balance twisted wrongs and solemn right

I feel like there should be more punctuation in here somewhere.

Radiance in joy, so frighteningly so.

You say 'so' twice with only one word in between. If you can change it I think that would be good.

But beyond that gate, you can almost see a world

that spans eternity so vast, so great, your mind pours tears.

The golden world blinds from beyond the gate so bright

It takes more than a man to step through those gates tonight.

I love this whole verse! It is a beautiful and uplifting ending. I really like this poem. The imagery is wonderful and I love the topic too.

-pigeon

Hey Patrick!

One thing I would like to see is a little bit more... conflict, if that makes sense. You kind of have the conflict set in the middle. That is, you state that we have vile parts of us. But, and this is what kind of makes me wonder, the presence of God isn't really used to create conflict. So, instead of the presence of God really making us rethink about all our vile thoughts, etc., it's more like we think about it just because. I don't know. It seems like weird priorities to me, and I don't really think you're using the whole presence of God thing to your advantage.

Tweak it up and see what you get!

Hi, I very much liked your poem! I was very tranquil and calming yet it had enough light and dark to it.It is very good and I wish I could write poems like that. Maybe next time describe it a bit more. Maybe give us a bit more of an idea of this place you are talking about. What I really liked was the balance. It had light and dark shading to it and it felt like god might be behind the gate. (be careful with that)
I really liked it!!

All the best for future stories/ poems..
watchmeburn

Hello Patrick!

First of all, hmmm...I liked it. It was pretty, but not breathtaking. I expected more from your description of God. Honestly, I would think your character would at least be temporarily distracted by overwhelming presence of God. I'm not necessarily saying you have to add an entire stanza just devoted to describing this. A few words can change the entire meaning of a phrase. You describe His eyes as penetrating and solemn, but what else? Surely there is more to the God of the universe's eyes

You have plenty of words at your disposal so put them to good use!

I liked the contrast of the darkness that once lived the light that banishes it.

Overall, this is well written and the fluid. I think this is great subject matter for a poem, but it needs some expansion.

Write on!
Lette

Thank you for the great tips, guys. I'd have to agree with everything said and very useful points. I'll work on editing it for a whlie.

Hello! This was amazing! The flow and fluidity of the words was right on so good job on that. The description really paints a picture for me. As I read it I could see heaven very clearly. The emotion that was transfered was raw and real for me. My favorite part of the poem was: "air so warm but viens that freeze." I was breathtaking and effective.
Well, I do not know what else to say for I am not a great reviewer on poetry but I loved it! Keep writing.

Hey, everyone. I took some of your tips and tweaked the poem a bit. Hope the change helps a bit.