My Lifeboat

-My Lifeboat-

Hearts made of stone sinking below
falling down low
cracking their hosts' skulls . . .
all of these lonely souls
wanting to be loved

But there are those far from the shore
with closed doors
the ones who don't need any love
they live alone without listening to
the voice of a lover
on their own
all alone

But my dear faithful that's not me
you are my lifeboat so carry me over the water
float along under the bridge
push away all the clouds with your soothing stare.
Don't let me sink
because my heart is made of stone
through the pressure of water it will long for you
it will try to bring you back
before the rocks at the bottom break my body
my heart beat would slow down
it would slow down
and wait for you to come back
while the deep waters fill in my lungs
making it hard to breath
leaving me without a smile
blind in the blackness of cold, dead silence

Woo! Neat metaphor!

First of all, I like the story in this poem and the metaphor that surrounds it! It's neat... I typically don't see any metaphors used by upcoming poets here, so it's different and I like this!

Now, you might want to play around with a couple of things! First of all... line breaks. Yeah, we hate 'em. But it feels a bit jerky now, so you might want to play around with them.

Second... I think you can cut out a lot of words to make it pithier and (yes!) stronger. So see what happens. Instead of saying:

Don't let me sink
because my heart
is made of stone
while left falling it will long for your hands

Maybe you can say:

Don't let me sink because my stone heart
longs for your hands

Or something! Try to condense it a bit... I think it'll be more powerful that way.

Hey,

The thing with this is. I like everything in the poem, and think that it is really good, but i think your use of enjambment is wrong and out of place and takes the edge of the poem. That is just my opinion.

Good though all the same.

~Retro Disco666

Thanks. I'll fix that. I kind of thought there was something wrong when I read over all of those line breaks.

Hey again.

The edit has made all the difference. It now flows like a good poem. Which it is.

This piece has shot up in my opinion.

I now love it.

The structure gives a mroe meaning full feel to it.

you have done everything needed. Well done!!!!!!!

~Retro Disco666

Thanks. (: