ran....

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blackscar
Gender Male
Points 300
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Sat Mar 06, 2010 12:07 pm
blackscar says... · Sat Mar 06, 2010 12:07 pm
nothing works if it remains in words thus poets live,love only in words..
there is no step taken only words uttered but i am setting the pace...
i am speeding and i can not see any of you....come...ran...
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Jasmine Hart
Gender Female
Points 15961
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Sat Mar 06, 2010 1:00 pm
Jasmine Hart says... · Sat Mar 06, 2010 1:00 pm
Hi,

welcome to YWS! I hope you like it here.

This flows really nicely.

I'd put a comma after "words" and "love". I'd change "step taken" because it's a little stale. I'd change "ran" to run".

I'd also try to bring this outside the poet by using more imagery and referring to the readers.

Hope this helps.

Jas
"Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise."
-Maya Angelou
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eldEr
Gender Male
Points 14918
Reviews 384
Sun Apr 18, 2010 3:03 pm
eldEr says... · Sun Apr 18, 2010 3:03 pm
Hey!! I really loved this!! Nicely done!
Guuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurl.

got trans?
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3 posts


Maybe what most people wanted wasn't immortality and fame, but the reassurance that their existence had meant something. No matter how long... or how brief. Maybe being eternal meant becoming a story worth telling.
— Roshani Chokshi, Aru Shah and the Nectar of Immortality