Electric November

Be brutal, this one is a little sketchy.



The electric purple
In his argyle veins
Are like the blood
He feeds me

His snow touched skin,
And November breathe
Freeze the time
That tics

Those copper eyes
That are enveloped by
Thick black lashes
Stained like ink in the sea

Fangs of his chocolate hair
Frames his face, and crimson lips
Compliments the stars
He puts in the skies

And in his hands,
He holds my heart..

Hey, herzing! Welcome to YWS! If you have any problems, feel free to contact me for anything you want.

Ooh... you want brutality? Awesome! ^_^

Okay... quick nitpick! In the second stanza, "tics" should be "ticks" and in the second to last stanza, "compliments" should be "complements."

Now! The content!

The main thing that you should try to do is to remember to complete your thoughts. Right now, every stanza seems to end with a cliffhanger. For instance, let's take the first stanza. The blood... he feeds you? Tell me more! Why is he doing this? I want to know. But instead of completing the thought and satisfying our curiosity, you just move on to the next image and do the same thing! It's quite sad. I want to see more fabulous writing! So don't be afraid to describe, don't be afraid to tell us what's going on. It's going to be awesome.

And, with that said, I still like the ending. It is a cliffhanger, yes, but it makes you wonder about the line... and in a good way. So definitely keep that in. Just complete the descriptions in the previous stanzas.

Hope that helps! And don't forget... if you need any help on YWS, feel free to PM me.

Hey herzing! I'm Evi.

His snow touched skin,
And November breathe

Firstly, just as a general rule, "snow-touched" should probably be hyphenated. I'm not sure the exact rule for this, but anything like that (other examples include: sun-kissed, wind-blown, tragedy-stricken, logic-defying, etc.) normally has a hyphen.

Also! Breathe is a verb, as in, "We have to breathe or we'll die." Breath, however, is a noun, as in, "You could see his breath as he spoke." I think you want the second one here.


Overall, you have some really nice images and very poetic descriptions. However, like Snoink said, I'd like to see a bit more substance. Right now it's all about what he looks like. Which is cool! But I think you'd do well to reach a bit deeper into their relationship (like you did in the last two lines) and explore more into this mystery guy than just his appearance. His personality, why he holds your narrator's heart. You have the external images; perhaps you can relate those to action. =P Action is awesome. You should try adding some more.

Also, capitalization! You'd think that every line would have to be capitalized, wouldn't you? That's not always true. I much prefer, in poetry, to punctuate and capitalize exactly like a regular sentence in prose-writing. Capitalizing every line disrupts your flow and does funky things to the reader while they're trying to establish a rhythm.

PM me for anything!

~Evi

herzing wrote:Stained like ink in the sea

I've seen "stained metaphors that were utilized to great effect. However, this was not one of them. Ink in the sea just sounds odd. Maybe the inky-black sea but not this.
Besides that line, I really liked this poem. It didn't flow, but I liked what you did. Instead of hand-feeding the story to us, you threw abstract images at us. The last two lines were also fantastic.
Great job. xxooxx
Keep on writing,
Empress

herzing wrote:And in his hands,
He holds my heart..

Okay, so some of your descriptions were kind of odd. Like "Fangs of his chocolate hair" I mean fangs? That doesn't really give me the image of hair. This whole stanza I felt was off.

The electric purple
In his argyle veins
Are like the blood
He feeds me

Argyle veins? Blood that he feeds you? What are these supposed to mean? That's a little gothic and creepy in my mind, but maybe it's just me.

I did like the end line, I just think it's a little cliche. But keep writing.

~Hope

Hello! I'm Kat, and I'll be reviewing this, even thought it'll be a very short review.

You want me to be brutal? Uh-oh. O couldn't be even I wanted to XD For one simple reason: I loved this poem. Yep. It's a bit vague, in the plot behind it, I think, because as far as imagery and description goes, this is just WOW. For me, at least. I love your description and all, and how it can be connected. Is this about a vampire? I think so. Feeding blood, fangs, and all. I'm not that all into it, but I like the gothic touch.

The thing that bothers me the most would be its structure wise. I do know it's something very 'meh' to be picky on, but it's the thing I'd like to point out. This only goes to the capitalized words at the beginning of every line. Some might say that that is a must, but it really is not, since poetry is free for us writers to do whatever we want. Well, almost whatever. So, read it over and try to think of dis capitalizing some of those words. Something that'll help you with that, is to add some punctuation. Not loads of it, but some.

That's it! Thanks for posting!
- Kat

Well, I for one, have to disagree with everyone's critiques. I thought this was a lovely poem! I think you really brought something new to the love genre, as I had no idea you were talking about a love interest until the very end. I kept trying to figure out how this had to do with November. But I loved it anyways! Star for you my dear!

Hello!

I'm just going to post my comments in a quote for now:

The electric purple
In his argyle veins >This is cool. It reminds me of when I see a guy's veins in his arms and they have a sort of diamond-shape to them.
Are like the blood
He feeds me >This is a bit confusing; first of all, that he feeds you blood. Purple blood? Diamond-shaped blood?

His snow touched skin, >Agreed that snow-touched is hyphenated.
And November breathe >Breathe = breath.
Freeze the time
That tics

Those copper eyes
That are enveloped by
Thick black lashes
Stained like ink in the sea >This didn't so much remind me of an inky-black sea as someone said before me, but of the ink that squids shoot out. However, I agree that the sea is used a lot for ink metaphors, so...

Fangs of his chocolate hair >I like that his hair falls in "fangs." Also, the purple blood makes it sound like there's light skin...he feeds you blood...mention of fangs...you're in love with a vampire? Cool!
Frames his face, and crimson lips >Here we have a slight problem with subject/verb agreement...if you take out the prepositional phrase (of his chocolate hair,) that leaves you with "Fangs frames." So it should just be "frame."
Compliments the stars >Spelled "complements" here, as (I believe it was) Snoink said; but it's the same with the subject/verb agreement. "Lips complement," not "complements."
He puts in the skies >How or why is it that he puts the stars in the sky? I'm interested!

And in his hands,
He holds my heart..

I really like this piece a lot. You've got some really nice imagery, but as much as I know what this guy looks like, I don't know who this guy is that holds your heart. If you're in love, he's special, yes? I'd suggest trying to show that more.

That's all I've got as far as a critique. Thank you for posting a wonderful read!

Take care and keep writing!
Vanadis

Hey there, Herzing!

The electric purple
In his argyle veins
Are like the blood
He feeds me

SO, brutality is welcome? Sweet.


Okay, so, the problem with this stanza is that, it's choppy. I think you need to combine it and rearrange this so that the metaphor and image gets a wake up call and shows its face in a much more fluid way.


So, basically, veins implies that blood would run through them, and the last two metaphoric lines could pretty much be made into an image, like, are the blood he feeds me -- or something. I don't particularly love this part because it's reminding me of Edward Cullen...

His snow touched skin,
And November breathe
Freeze the time
That tics

breath, not breath, and tics should be ticks.

Otherwise, this is kind of pretty!

Those copper eyes
That are enveloped by
Thick black lashes
Stained like ink in the sea

Take out "that are" in the second line; it'll flow more as one sentence.

Also! Ink in the sea would dilute... a lot, so it'll kind of not be inky anymore.

Fangs of his chocolate hair
Frames his face, and crimson lips
Compliments the stars
He puts in the skies

Fangs of hair? That's an interesting image!

And in his hands,
He holds my heart..

Cute. You only need one period at the end.

While this poem wasn't exactly my choice cup of tea, you did a fair job. Is it about a vampire?

June

Keep writing!

Sincce evryone above me has taken care of all the critique stuff I will just say that I love this. It is like my hamburgers: well done. (Get the joke?)