What lies beyond

A/N: I was eating gummy bears and listening to Michael Jackson's MTV tribute yesterday, so you can guess what you're up to read --'

Between carmine roses and lullaby lilies
(that would pass as God’s gifts)
lies the gate for another world.

Its steel was made greater with rust,
proving its elder age and
many dreadful storms were endured.

Beyond that immortal portal,
lays something far more splendid;
There, forbidden fruits are not alive
and cries of despair have no place.

Rivers of bright colored jewels;
amethyst, jade and sapphires!
Pure laughter of sunny days,
and golden trees laying askew

Will you simply follow me,
To see what lies beyond
The rusty old steel gate?

Hey Kat!

Sadly I have no constructive criticism to offer here.

I really enjoyed this poem, Kat. In the third stanza, the rhyming of immortal portal kind of sounds... out of place; other than that, there's not much wrong with this.

I think it was nicely structured as well; I noted that there was no rhyme throughout this, but towards the end you have one stanza that rhymes-- which is decent, but, just a bit unexpected.

Nice work, Kat! A beautiful poem. ^_^

Juniper

Yoyo, Stella here!

I. NITPICKS

(that would pass as God’s gifts)

Would pass as- you mean would pass as the real thing?

many dreadful storms endured.

Perhaps, the many dreadful storms it has endured, or something like that? This is a bit by itself...

There, forbidden fruits are not alive

Because they're dead? Rephrase, maybe...

Okay...

II. RHYTHM

I love your images in this, but I definitely think it could do with something else, and that's rhythm.

Don't worry about rhyme, but just look at your stanzas, see where it could do with another syllable or where you could take one away...

III. OVERALL

I actually really enjoyed it, it was nice and simple...

Hope I helped, drop me a note if you need anything!

-Stella.

Hi Kat!

First of all, it should be "lies" not "lays", in the title, and the other two times you use the word.

Its steel made greater with rust,
proving its elder age and
many dreadful storms endured.

Its steel has been made? Its steel was made? You need a verb there to make the sentence complete.
"many dreadful storms endured." Another incomplete thought. That many dreadful storms were endured?

Beyond that immortal portal,
lays something far more splendid;
There, forbidden fruits are not alive
and cries of despair have no place.

More splendid than what? Also, I would have a colon, instead of a semi-colon.
"Cries of despair": I think you could use more unique words; that's just me being nitpicky, but nitpicky is good, right?

Rivers of bright colored jewels;
amethyst, jade and midnight blue!

I don't really like exclamation points in poetry (again, nitpicking, but ah well); I think they're too loud, especially when your words are quite adequate without.
Now, you have the word "jewels" and then you start to list jewels, but then suddenly you have "midnight blue", which is not a jewel. If you were talking about colours and not jewels, you should have said colours, or maybe jewel-bright colours, or some such thing. If you mean actual jewels, then, again, blue is not a jewel. =)
These aren't my favourite lines. They look gaudy, ostentatious and loud, like a brass band in flamboyant uniforms in the middle of a beautiful, uninhabited valley, blasting over the peaceful, natural sounds of animals, and rushing water.

Pure laughter of sunny days,
and golden trees laying askew

I don't really like the phrase "pure laughter". It sounds like the current slang: "pure awesome" "pure epic win", etc. But besides that, it isn't really specific. What do you mean by pure laughter? Pure, like, innocent? Pure, like, untainted by sorrow? And I think the image of sunny days, in terms of a peaceful, happy place, is too common. You don't even describe what kind of sunny day, what the scene looks like with that light making its skin glow (there's an example for you). One of the more important keys to successful poetry is being unique.
I do very much like the second line, though I feel like you just start describing the picture with a lovely image and then stop. I feel like I'm holding one lovely piece of a puzzle and it makes me wish I could see the rest, but the other pieces are missing.

Will you simply follow me,
To see what lays beyond
The rusty old steel gate?

I have to be honest, I very much dislike this ending. I don't like how in the first line here you bring people into it; I feel like a lovely, serene, glassy lake got a boulder dropped in it, obscuring everything.
I don't think it's the best to end a poem with a question either. That's my personal opinion, but I feel like a poem needs a definite conclusion and even if the question is rhetorical, it makes the poem feel unfinished. In general I dislike questions in poetry, except maybe in the very beginning when we have the whole poem ahead of us to answer it. Again, this is my personal opinion, and it's up to, but I think you could have ended such a lovely poem much better.

I absolutely love the very first line in this poem. The second stanza also has great descriptions. And, also, the 4'th line of the 4'th stanza. It made me feel as though, if I could see it, the whole scene would have a golden tinge to it. As I said before, I think you could continue where that line was leading, finish the description of the scene you started. If you did describe it with that golden hue over everything, like you made me imagine it, I think it would enhance that peaceful feeling this poem already has.

This really is a lovely poem. I hope my suggestions are helpful.

-Adna

Kat, I loved it. I really, really did.
You had an excellent language flow, expcept for the second line, which I thought broke it up a little bit. Your grammar was confusing at times, but it was great. It really ways. I can't exactly rank you, because you're the first entry that I've judged and I've gotten off to a great start,thanks to you

Hey there, I really like this.
Its mysterious and it describes a
beautifull place from what i can see.
ha. I really like this...
Keep it up!

This was a beautiful poem, with amazing, sensual imagery. I must say I didn't prefer the "immortal portal" line--the words are cool but the rhyme sounds kind of cheesy--but overall I thought this was a great poem. And well, i really have nothing else to say, so I am just filling up this blank space with words, just like people fill their hearts with the things of the world, trying to fill the void that is the absence of God's love....Yeah I know that made about as much sense as e.e. cummings poetry....