Uncertainty

*revised version :] i tried to fix the rhythm... now it's a 6-5-6-5 syllable pattern :] checked the punctuation marks too! :] thanks for reviewing my work! :] hope this will suit your taste better :]

Uncertainty

I don't know if you're true;

I don't want to cry.

I'm not sure I am too,

but I'd love to try.


I give you no promise,

I have my own doubts,

but don't give a surmise,

I hope my heart counts


I swear I'm not crazy-

for you I might be

Let's keep ourselves busy,

with just you and me.


Let us dance in the rain,

watch stars in the sky.

They will pour us disdain

but is this goodbye?


We ought to take it slow,

and see how it goes.

We just might see love grow,

it might work, who knows?

bailecielo wrote:Uncertainty

I don't know if you're true;

I don't want to cry.

I'm not sure I am too,

but I'd love to try. Try what? To be true?


I give you no promise,

for I have my own doubts,

but don't give out a surmise,

I hope my heart counts.


I swear I'm not crazy-

for you I might be.

Let's keep ourselves busy,

just you and me.


Let's dance in the rain,

watch stars in the sky.

They'll pour us disdain,

but should we say goodbye? ooh! I love this!!! well done!


Let's just take it slow,

and see how it goes.

As smooth as rivers flow, This line doesn't exactly make sense. maybe try it in different structure?

it might work, who knows?

ok, first of all: punctuation. correct grammar and punctuation are always necessary when writing, even poetry. So please capitalize all of your I's! haha

So anyways, I like your poem. It's okay, not just completely awesome, but it's still good. It's... how should I say it?... refreshing, I guess. It's not depressing and sad and gloomy and like everyone else

This poem has potential, just tweak a few things and it'll be great hope I helped

-ash

I agree with break~my~heart; you need to watch your punctuation, especially capitalization. Most people don't seem to realize, but in poetry punctuation is just as important as in prose - if not more so. It gives the reader clues how to read the poem, assists the flow, and adds meaning.

Aside from that, I'd also recommend keeping an eye on your rhythm and the rhyme scheme; at times this is very awkward, either because the rhyme feels stretched or because the rhythm is shot to hell, so a bit of tweaking is needed there. Try tapping out the syllables of each line with a pen - it will help show you where you're going wrong.

Otherwise, the subject matter is a little cliche but has the potential to be interesting, you just need to develop it a bit more. Maybe you could try some similes and metaphors etc. to help bring the reader in; at the moment you're telling more than you're showing, and your goal is to make us feel along with you, not to be reduced to objective observers. I like the idea of someone not asking for promises; perhaps you could expand on that a bit more.

Hope that helps!

Cheers,
~bubbles

Hello bf. Ui, pretty poem. Aw, you write such great poetry. haha. random. Uhm... Woah, I can't believe you did the syllables thing. It's really hard to do. Bravo.

Oh, punctuation often goes like this with this type of poem.

,
;
,
.


Yep. That'll be good punctuation unless you want it to flow differently.

See you in our new school. Haha.

thanks bf! :] yaahh.. i followed the syllables... i kinda' liked the older one better, but this one's fine, i guess :] yap! im so0o0o excited! :] wow! lapit na tau mgng atenista! hehe...