Bad Boy

BadBoy

So cold you seem,
So harsh you appear,
But it's all an act,
a cover,
a show.

The words you speak
are all just lies,
and the masquerade you perform
is just a disguise.

Let your body do the talking.
Your actions are much stronger
than your words.

Your cruel words,

form tears in my eyes
and make my heart ache.
But your loving and gentle actions,
tell me it's all fake.

You do it to protect me
and it stabs me like a dart.
But you are what you are,
a bad boy at heart.

oooh I liked this alot!!!
(this guy sounds really hot )

hey!! I rhymed!!! uh huh oh yea!

Soooo....anyways....this won't even count as a review, becaaaause, guess what? It's not!
There's nothing I can find to pick at...aka...this is one of my favorite poems!
Loved it, loved it, loved it!
well, I must go now

XoXo~AsH

Thanks for the review ^^ I really love the person I based this on too. He's from one of my favorite manga series and basically he seems like a bad boy on the outside and has to be cruel, mean, and heartless to protect the girl he loves. I love him so much xD

oooh LOL
what's the series called?

Hiya Angles! Here as requested!

So harsh you seem,
So cold you seem.

These lines get really repetitive. I find the first two lines of a poem are the most important to hook a reader, and that they set the tone for the rest of the poem. Really make them sparkle!

The words you speak
are all just lies,
because in the world you live in
everyone dies.

I don't know the manga series you are talking about. For me, these lines aren't quite deep enough to convay much emotion.

It hides your true feelings
I now know.

I don't find these lines fit with the stanza you have put them in. They could stand to be on their own.

Your cruel words

form tears in my eyes
and make my heart ache.

Put these lines all in their own stanza.

Surprisingly, this flows rather well. Because you are so consistant with the alternation between short and long lines your eye just follows along and isn't jolted out of the rhythm by a super-long line.

As for the guy you are talking about, personally I would avoid him from this poem. Maybe you should put more emphesis on his good points and not focus on how cruel he is to make more people fall in love with him. I actually knew a guy like this and I stopped talking to him because he was so harsh.

If you have any questions, PM me.

~Rosey

Thank you for the reviews ^^

First of all, I looked at your reply to Rosey's critique. You really don't need to keep reminding everyone that it's not necessary to stick to rules and standards. We know that. Rosey was just giving you a review, like you asked me-- all reviews mention things that could be changed to be 'better'. There's no avoiding it, and no need to defend your work. She had every right to be confident with her opinions and her critique.

angels-symphony wrote:BadBoy

So harsh you seem,
So cold you seem. (I agree with Rosey on the repitition here. Perhaps you could do, "So harsh you seem, so cold your smile." Or something.)
But it's all an act,
a cover,
a show.

I like this stanza a lot. Besides the point I mentioned.

It hides your true feelings
I now know.
The words you speak
are all just lies,
because in the world you live in
everyone dies.

Whoa. Harsh. I liked the rhyming scheme of the first stanza little more, but this is good too.

Let your body do the talking.
Your actions are much stronger
than your words.

Your cruel words

I think you should end this line with a period and start a new sentence in the next stanza.

They form tears in my eyes
and make my heart ache.
But your loving and gentle actions,
tell me it's all fake. Tell me that it's fake. Sounds smoother, for some reason. Wonder why?

You do it to protect me
but it stabs me like a dart.
But you are what you are, You used 'but' two lines in a row. Never. Ever. In the history of poetry. Just re-word it, darling. You could do, "but it stabs me like a dart. You are what you are, though..."
a bad boy at heart.

I like the ending, but it's a bit contradictive. You've been saying that he's really only a bad boy on the outside, and inside he's all mushy and protective and kind. But then you end by saying he's a bad boy at heart. See what I mean? I mean, technically it's no big deal, since we know what you mean. But I just thought I'd point that out.

So! This was also nice. The rhyming here was a lot more solid than in the others of yours I've critiqued so far, and I'm all for solid rhyming. Hope this was helpful!

Thanks for the reviews again. Sorry , Evi and Rose. I didn't mean to sound mean xD It's just the whole standards and rules thing for writing is one of my pet peeves. I had a 4 page rant about it xD But I just prefer when people say "I suggest" rather than assuming they are right.

Well, I find that when I give critiques, most of it is obviously my opinion! Everything that anyone says, you are free to disregard or to listen to -- it's all based on your judgment, since it's your writing, Shina! ^_^

Now~ Here are my comments on the poem! ^_^

So harsh you seem,

So cold you seem.

But it's all an act,

a cover,

a show.

For the first two lines, besides repetition, I'm thinking you might want to consider where you want the emphasis. Right now, it's about 'seeming' different things since you've placed 'seem' at the end of the line. I think, however, to get the reader focused more on the character of the person you're describing right from the get-go, you might want to change those lines to focus on the qualities 'harsh' and 'cold'. You'd do that by moving THEM to the end of the line; 'You seem so harsh/ You seem so cold'. That way, cold also kind of rhymes with show too! ^_^

Let your body do the talking.

Your actions are much stronger

than your words.

Hmm, here I don't know that it keeps with the tone you had in the rest of the poem. Obviously, this is from the point of view of a girl that knows this 'bad boy' and I don't think she'd have that much control/familiarity with him as to TELL him what to do? Also, if his actions are stronger than his words, why is she stung by his words so much? If, as this poem shows, she sees through his cover, why is she still upset by him?

But you are what you are,

a bad boy at heart.

Hmm, I am wondering if the point of the poem is to say he's good at heart but acts bad or if he acts bad, acts good, and is still bad at heart? That last line should resolve everything, and if this is your resolution, then it leaves the conclusion as 'this guy is bad, no matter what he does'. ^_^ Just consider it~

I like this poem a bit, but I feel that if it had a definite message at the end, the rest might fall in to place.

-Hannah-

It was really good, except for one minor detail: in the first two lines you used "seem" twice. Was that for effect?

I really like the premise of the poem, and your rhyming works
But to me, it's a but unconsistent
When your doing your stanzas, keep sort of a pattern going, otherwise your reader won't be able to understand what your trying to do
I kind of didn't
But it might just be me, I don't know
It has great potential though

I like this a lot but you shouldn't have used the word seem twice within the first couple lines. It take away from the poems potential but other than that great job!

Wow I really like this one. Nice rythming technic and good topic! its very relatable.

So harsh you seem,
So cold you appear,
But it's all an act,
a cover,
a show.

Nice visualization here its really a set the tone picture

It hides your true feelings
I now know.
The words you speak
are all just lies,
because in the world you live in
everyone dies.

A little off que. Umm everyone dies? a little too dramatic for this piece.

Let your body do the talking.
Your actions are much stronger
than your words.

Your cruel words.

It gets confusing here you were saying his actions spoke louder than his words but than his words are so cruel that they make you get emotional as well.... pivk one maybe?

But your loving and gentle actions,

So are his actions mean or loving? gentle or harsh?

Nice ending

Overall I liked this piece very much. Once again awesome job

~Tiffany

Hey there, Shina! June again .

Everyone has gotten to this before me! They've touched on everything that could be fixed.


There isn't much to say about this, really! I believe everyone has said anything that I would have said, but, let me ask you:

What is the reader supposed to base this upon? How do we relate to this "cover"? Are you telling us enough in this to make us believe that there is a sustainable message behind this? What can we learn and benefit from this?


Can you give your readers a little more? Can you write an action in the invisible words that lurk between the lines that will make the readers understand this "bad boy" more?

Also! Like Hannah pointed out, pay attention to your resolution! At the beginning, you have us assuming that he is good, masking all of his goodness underneath badness so that you stay protected, but! As we come to the resolution, we're contradicted! You, as the author, have the freedom to contradict us, but, there's something about it that seems a bit... off?

On the whole, it was an amazingly refreshing read! The rhyme scheme was very nice and unforced (great job!) and I just wanted to press your brains by asking a bunch of questions . Mwaha.

Great job, dear. Amazingly well done!

June

This was a really good poem, and I didn't have any nitpicks that hadn't been covered by the other reviewers. It's one of my new favorites and excellent job. Gold star!

fluteluvr77<3