Bad Boy

Hey Shina!

As a whole I liked this. There was only one thing I can nit-pick about but really it's just a suggestion.

So harsh you seem,
So cold you appear,
But it's all an act,
a cover,
a show.

I think you should switch harsh with cold because how can someone appear cold? Besides, I think it would sound better this way:

So cold you seem,
So harsh you appear,
But it's all an act,
a cover,
a show.

What do you think?

It hides your true feelings
I now know.

Oh and you really don't need these two lines. It just messed up the flow for me.

Favorite stanza:

The words you speak
are all just lies,
and the masquerade you perform
is just a disguise.

I really like this part. It's a good addition to the poem.

All in all, keep writing poetry, you're good at it,

~Angel

Hola Shina! I'm back!

So! Basically, this is a work in progress, and I totally love the way it's progressing. Let's just point out a few things that are slightly iffy right now:

Let your body do the talking.

Your actions are much stronger

than your words.

In the lines/stanzas before this, you're using the "you" message. You're like, forcing your words upon "him" in using the "you message" but then here, you're like... going too soft. It's like, instead of continuing, you're differing here by changing the wording to "let"-- and then, that brings these last two lines to sound fragmented .


*

Let's take a look at this:

Your cruel words.



They form tears in my eyes

and make my heart ache.

But your loving and gentle actions,

tell me it's all fake.

(You can stab me for being so strict with rules but!)

• By using a period in the "lone line" you're bringing us to a full stop, and you shouldn't.

In poetry, a comma is a half stop-- meaning that it's a pause or a slight turn in the way that something is going.

A semicolon is your 3/4 of a stop. It can change something, but still connect to what came before.

But! The period is a full stop. That's when you give us something fresh, and unconnected or begin a new sentence.

Aaaand, the space between that line and the stanza is giving it an "awkward hang".

• Also! Don't use the word "they". You're basically just filling in space with that word, and if you don't bring us to a full stop with the period before hand, and use a comma (or nothing at all) then you don't even need "they".


*

That's all I found, haha. I do really like how this is coming together. Keep it up!

June

I Really Liked This ^^
Structure is fantastic.
Vocab. is brill.
Nothing Bad To Say At All!^^

x

What series is this from? Is it vampire knight? because it reminds me of Zero. please please please tell me!