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R. J. Hoffman
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Points 890
Reviews 59
Mon Dec 24, 2007 6:32 pm
R. J. Hoffman says... · Mon Dec 24, 2007 6:32 pm
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Last edited by R. J. Hoffman on Thu Jul 10, 2008 4:54 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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bubblewrapped
Gender Female
Points 10087
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Mon Dec 31, 2007 10:51 am
bubblewrapped says... · Mon Dec 31, 2007 10:51 am
Just a tip - saying your poem is "really bad" isn't likely to garner many reviews ;)

That said, it wasn't so terrible. The repetition of "if only" got old by the end and the whole sentiment was kind of cliche, but I guess that's to be expected from a school-induced poem. It's a bit of a 'shopping list' poem that tells instead of shows - perhaps try a bit more imagery next time.

Overall, my suggestion would be to refrain from posting work of this kind (i.e. homework poetry that you're not particularly happy with). If you don't think it's worth posting, why would we want to read and critique it?

Cheers,
~bubbles
Got a poem or short story you want me to critique?

There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way, and not to give others absurd maddening claims upon it. (C D Morley)
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Fire Light
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Points 1131
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Fri Jan 04, 2008 1:46 am
Fire Light says... · Fri Jan 04, 2008 1:46 am
hmm, contrary to what you said, it was pretty decent.

Like Buublwrapped said, the If only got kinda dull, but the fact that it started each stanza made it a bit less boring. And also, yeah, saying it is bad won't really get too many reviews.

Aside from that, again, it was pretty decent.
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"The trouble with Borrowing another mind was, you always felt out of place when you got back to your own body, and Granny was the first person ever to read the mind of a building. Now she was feeling big and gritty and full of passages. 'Are you all right?' Granny nodded, and opened her windows. She extended her east and west wings and tried to concentrate on the tiny cup held in her pillars."
— Terry Pratchett, Discworld: Equal Rites