Young Writers Society

Icky, Sticky Spider!

Tucked into a net we built together I lay alone,
I admire the web of vivid memories that we spun.
Humming on that peaceful, hopeful wedding song
In sickness, and in health – forever didn’t last long.

All I have but recollections, is your facebook account-
But reading words of your other life is just a taunt.
That painful feeling I get when I finally spot the smile I seek,
Knowing someone else painted those roses on your cheeks.

It’s a beautiful tragedy; I could play it out in my dreams,
That first kiss, it is closer in time than it seems.
Oh remember the dances we danced, the songs we sang,
Imagine our childhood games and teenage hangs.

We were so oblivious, so reckless and innocent
Those times we were together, wherever we went.
I used to be the only one to raise you above the moon,
I believe I lost that ability way too soon.

It’s not fair of you to leave me here alone-
Just admiring the web of vivid memories we spun.
How is it possible for you to just forget?
When our threads have created this big of a net?

Like a sneaky, icky, sticky spider you tucked me away
Before quickly moving on, to your next prey.

Hi,
I like the poem a lot, is has really good imagery, but I think you need to work on the pace of the poem a bit. There were a few lines that just didn't seem to roll off the tongue as well as the rest did. There wasn't exactly anything wrong with the lines, I just felt they didn't read as well as most of it for some strange reason. The piece definitely had chills rolling down my spine; I thought it was going to be a funny piece because of the title, but it was actually really good and you did a great job with the mood.
In the first line, shouldn't 'lay' be 'lie' because lay is past tense and lie is present and in the next line you have admire not admired. Other than that, there weren't any spelling/grammar problems that I saw. Good poem, keep writing.
Hope this helped,
Tgirly

This is really good. It has a natural, prose-y feel to it, despite a great rhyme scheme. The title is a little bit childish, but it kind of drew me in at the same time. I like the imagery you have used, and I also think the metaphor with the spider is good. There are a few things I think you could work on, though. The last stanza is one of these things. Like a conclusion, the last stanza of a poem tends to stick around with a reader. Yours is good, but the syllabic balance seems off, the last line being kind of long compared to the first. Also, there are some slight errors in punctuation, although since poetry is pretty free-form, a comma can fix almost anything. Lastly, you used the word "vivid" a couple of times. You might want to try for a little bit more variation there. All in all, this is a great poem, though. You're definitely a great poet, and I love this poem.