Young Writers Society

I stand on shaking knees,
empty eyes, empty cups, empty stomachs.
Ignored by the hustle,
by the busy business bustle,
by the "Don't go near him, 'cause he's dirty."
Pass by my dirty palms, my aching feet, my torn up clothes,
pass and think that I am nothing but leech on your world.
I've given up on talking
cause the strangers keep on walking,
and they never give me so much as a second thought.
Because I messed up,
or I never fought in Nam
or the family I feed isn't real.
My life's fucked up,
I know I need a haircut.
But I guess I'm just a shadow,
I'm a shadow,
I'm not real.

I expected this poem to be better than it was. I felt as thoough you did not capture the emtion that should have been in this poem. It is first person, but it seems empty. This man is homeless, down on his luck, and no one will help him. From the description I would assume this man would be desperate, angry, and sorrowful, but none of these emotions are explored at all during this poem.

I stand on shaking knees,
empty eyes, empty cups, empty stomachs.

This was a good start to this poem, because it shiws a very vivid image of a homeless person who has nothing.

Ignored by the hustle,
by the busy business bustle,
by the "Don't go near him, 'cause he's dirty."

This was also a good description of what people do when they pass a homeless person, but after this I would expect more anger from this person, or more emotion in general.

Pass by my dirty palms, my aching feet, my torn up clothes,
pass and think that I am nothing but leech on your world.

This simply re-states what we already know, which is not bad it just seems absent of any depth, of the anger, and rage, and sorrow that should all course through this person at once. I got none of those emotions when I read this poem.

I've given up on talking
cause the strangers keep on walking,
and they never give me so much as a second thought.
Because I messed up,
or I never fought in Nam
or the family I feed isn't real.
My life's fucked up,
I know I need a haircut.
But I guess I'm just a shadow,
I'm a shadow,
I'm not real.

The rest of the poem felt as though this person was simply tired of it all, which would be good if there were a variety of emotions felt, or shown. The fact that this person is simply tired with no other emotion is shown really makes this poem simply average. I can see this poem being very good if the narrator would comment on the people passing by, and their lack of humanity, or extent of caring. I would also like to have seen more detail and images of his desperation, not just the fact that he was homeless, but his mindset, and emotional state in depth.

Overall, like I said it was just an average poem, but it has the potential to be very good.

Regards,
dante93

You're writing about such a heavy topic, which I love.
This bit is fantastic:

My life's fucked up,
I know I need a haircut.

Where you carelessly just jump from 'my life' to 'my hair'. It's good - really good. Gives a lot of perspective on this one.

The beginning is also great. Allover it was a good poem that could be a winner if it were touched up here and there.

I did like it though. Well done!

NightWriter x

thersites wrote:I stand on shaking knees,
empty eyes, empty cups, empty stomachs.
Ignored by the hustle,
by the busy business bustle, I loved this entire first section! An excellent way to start off the poem.
by the "Don't go near him, 'cause he's dirty."
Pass by my dirty palms, my aching feet, my torn up clothes,
pass and think that I am nothing but leech on your world. This section really puts an image in your mind, great use of description!
I've given up on talking
cause the strangers keep on walking,
and they never give me so much as a second thought.
Because I messed up,
or I never fought in Nam
or the family I feed isn't real.
My life's fucked up,
I know I need a haircut.
But I guess I'm just a shadow,
I'm a shadow,
I'm not real.

Rather than the word 'real' I suggest perhaps "exist' or 'nonexistent'.
Incredible poem, it really pours out a lot of soul and feeling. It contains substance, which a lot of poetry out there lacks, and it's spoken in such a way that you almost feel at heart with the writer.
Great job! Keep writing!