Young Writers Society

A coin with a hole
Isn't used.
A card with no number.
Is left aside.
A soldier with a bullet hole
Is just a pawn overly used.
Dear jane,
I will be long dead before you read this.
Lost in a different world,
in solitude,
in silence.
They will fire 21 shots to the sky.
A last tribute to a man who had but to die.
Dear jane,
I'm sorry to leave.
We'll meet again soon. I promise.
But your job is undone yet.
You must teach him to make the choices right.
The right choices for reasons that are right.
You must teach him the atrocities of life.
And make him a proud man.
Who will stand for what's right.
And sit and listen to what was done wrong.
Do not leave this job undone
For we have yet to spend eternities.
Shed not tears of sorrow
For you will die the widow of a brave man.
And the mother of a valiant son.
For I died protecting you and him.
From traitors and those who treasoned
Know this i died the proud death of a
martyr.
Zaid.

Interesting topic choice for so festive a season.

Of course, anything that shows human flaw usually attracts me right into a piece, and in this case, I like the way in which, though he is dying, he still wears the pride of someone who fought. And that, though he knows he is no longer useful to anyone, he still acts as if his death was something that needed to be done. A necessity.

Now, as it goes, though the ideology was interesting, the written in itself could definitely use a little bit of work, I'm afraid. Mostly on making this something really poetic rather than a letter spaced out in different ways. And the structure in itself was rather wonky and all over the place. I would have liked to see a bit of a defining quality to have the lines sort of mess into each other rather than simply going along in thought processes.

The second thing I would like to note upon is the cliche of this. Now, I mean no disrespect, of course. I realize that the idea of war and of being patriotic is something people put quite a bit of stock into, but what makes this different than any other poem or short story about a soldier? I would have loved to see you working with ideas like 'I don't want to die' or maybe jumping into a different situation rather than the basic 'I'm going to die. I love you. Teach our kid well. I died for my country.' because, when we look back at most works involving soldiers or, in this case, dying soldiers, we see a sort of repetition. A heartfelt story that most people feel that they must give an inkling of emotion towards.

Now, in this case of this poem, I see the gears working. I see the inner struggle rather than the basic outlooks because of the fact that everything is double-sided.

A soldier with a bullet hole
Is just a pawn overly used.

Poetry-wise, this is rather weak, but it gets the point across. That sort of uselessness that comes with losing the ability to be what you're supposed to be. And that it would be better if he died rather than being extra weight on an already stressful situation. I particularly like ideas like that, and would have loved if you ran with that instead of sort of morphing right back into that idea of standing for your country blah blah blah.

As it goes, this does appear to need work, but it also has the start of being something grand. The gears are turning, my dear. They are turning and you're getting better and better with time. Its merely practice now, and patience. With those two things in hand, you'll have something really interesting here.

Now, as a final note, I'd like to recommend listening to the song, Hero of War by Rise Against. The words in that song are my idea of what a really well executed ideology comes in when it comes to soldiers. Its ironical and its eye-opening.

Feel free to message me with any questions about the review!

~Walker

Well done! A different style indeed, but very likable. I didn't really see anything that needed correcting except for that you might have wanted to separated the beginning and the letters into different paragraphs so as to avoid confusion. I really enjoyed reading this. Keep on writing!
Dragon Rider