Young Writers Society

"let me be the one to hold the knife
let me be the one to kiss you
let me be the one who tastes your blood… "
AGH! +1 +1 +1!
Sorry, er...it's just that that reminded me of an old song I used to be fond of listening to.
Other than that, you managed to get your point across in just a few stanzas. Well done.

I loved it, no clue what the title means, but who cares? It rocked.

Unsatisfied with the reviews this poem recieved, Brad shamelessly bumps it back to the top.

"let me be the one to hold the knife
let me be the one to kiss you
let me be the one who tastes your blood…"

Maybe you should switch "...to hold the knife..." and "...kiss you..." because having the line about blood coming right after knife would have a better impact.

"let me be the one who tastes your blood…

…and convulse into the background. "

I don't think that big break is needed there. It was kind of a distraction.

I thought this was really well done. Here's a few suggestions...

candles, burning, hot wax,
melting, small fingers, can i
kiss you again?

You did a really nice job using descriptive words, but I think you kind of jumped a little too rapidly to the 'can I kiss you again?" It was very abrupt, but I'm not sure if that is how you wanted it.

rain hitting cobble leads to
dark houses and broken homes
broken smiles and dark brick roads
and the smell of night lingers on.

I loved this stanza. Just beautiful. It gives a most exact image.

soft shirts combat gravity and fumbling fingers
for something to cling to when air
resists comprehension.

This line was a little confusing, but it was pretty good.

let me be the one to hold the knife
let me be the one to kiss you
let me be the one who tastes your blood…

…and convulse into the background.

The first three lines were pretty good and made a striking combination of all three and I loved the last line and how you described it.

I really liked this poem... good job

yeah yeah, brad. As usual..you're going to give up poetry...lol. how many times have you said that? I'll crit this the best I can, I guess. I always like critting your stuff.

candles, burning, hot wax,
melting, small fingers, can i
kiss you again?

candles...hot wax...it's all so pretty. The imagery is just gorgeous. can I kiss you again!!! AHHH!!! it just sends shivers up and down my spine...it's enough to recreate the feelings of the kindling romances that I have had in the past, and almost make me feel how I felt then. You truly have SUCH a way with words!

rain hitting cobble leads to
dark houses and broken homes
broken smiles and dark brick roads
and the smell of night lingers on.

the part about broken homes and broken smiles was so sad....*tear* the rain part creates this lovely imagery and leads into it so well. And you actually combine four senses into this--we even get to hear about how it smells...and it makes me almost smell it...this is beautiful.

soft shirts combat gravity and fumbling fingers
for something to cling to when air
resists comprehension.

I'd be thrilled if you'd explain this to me. It's confusing.

let me be the one to hold the knife
let me be the one to kiss you
let me be the one who tastes your blood…

…and convulse into the background.

It's pretty...and somewhat disturbing. I don't understand how knives and kisses and blood go together, but...kk. If it works for you, it works for me.