Not my favourite poem, but that's more to do with my taste than your writing. This poem reads too much like a story - it's a very conversational poem.
There's nothing wrong with that, though - once again, it's just my personal preference. You might want to thing about either capitalising the first letter of each line, or beginning them all in lowercase.
Just my two cents - you probably shouldn't listen to me though. I'm not a great writer.
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Points: 890
Reviews: 12