Young Writers Society

The last few days have been a blur
Of wine-soaked dreams,
Of touches in the haze of drunkenness,
A conversation where the last few words were whispered
Where my fumbling hands turned off the phone before I could say anything
Where I cursed my own clumsiness
I cried into a pillow and things seemed impossibly large
Red-rimmed lips seemed to swell
Tears seemed like oceans
And my half-murmured words should have been shouts
waking the house.

All these hours it seems to have been
And yet I may have only lived a few moments
Because two days have passed
I can’t think of anything else
To think about,
To say, except…

I heard you.

The last few days I’ve gone to bed
Curled myself in fleece and satin and velvet…
And pretended I wasn’t crying,
Ignored the stain on my pillow,
Acted like I didn’t feel my nails bite into my palms

But still closed my eyes and saw nothing but your face.

Well, it seems a combination of a narrative and a lyric poem you ask me--not really dramatic.
But anyway, I usually have a comment or suggestion about everything that I read, but I was unable to find anything...seriously...this was good.

CarsandGuitars77 wrote:Well, it seems a combination of a narrative and a lyric poem you ask me--not really dramatic.
But anyway, I usually have a comment or suggestion about everything that I read, but I was unable to find anything...seriously...this was good.

Yeah, I'm pretty horrid at figuring out the whole narrative, lyric, dramatic thing... I just kind of spin in a circle, eenie-meenie-minnie-mo sort of thing... and put it there.

But thanks, I'm glad you thought it was alright. I was kind of worried about it... feeling vulnerable.

Angst-throttled. Beautiful, but cliched. Not much in the way of an edit, because there isn't anything to edit. For a poem of this standard, an edit would be a revision in which you would take things out and replace them, not a few playonwords. Just so you know why I'm not going to say much else.

I loved it. Seriously, it was beautiful and well written, and I love your imagery. There isnt anything I can find to critique really, although I do agree with Incandescence that it is slightly cliche (in topic, and in some of the description). However, thats not necessarily a bad thing. Like I said, its a beautiful poem and masterfully constructed. I'd say this is an example of how this kind of poetry should be written. I really enjoyed it - kudos!