Young Writers Society

I was taken aback by your words,
as you turned and walked away,
"don't abandon me
don't leave me alone"
I screamed.
My heart was fractured,
tears rolling down my face,
I called out
"I'm trapped in here inside
my head"
nothing but
a deafening emptiness replied,
a sound I did not enjoy.
Alone in the dark
I continued to cry
my knees curled up to my chest
my arms around my knees
I caught a tear with my sleeve.
Discouraged I began to think,
"What happens when you're on the brink,
of life, of death, of misery...
don't think like that you'll be okay."
I tried to hide my fear.
The room was filled
with light,
with dark,
with shadows dancing in an ark,
around the floor,
around my lifeless body.

I enjoyed this even though I like romance poems better, I only found one mistake though.

"don't abandon me don't leave me alone"

It's suppose to be.

"Don't abandon me don't leave me alone"

Other then that you did a great job on your poem, keep up the good work!

I like the simplicity you used, I think it had a positive effect on showing how someone could feel after a break-up (this is what I asume it to be...). The way in which you don't explain what's going on properly ('Show, don't tell') also adds to the emotions, but discreetly, which I like. For example, instead of saying 'I feel sad' you say 'I caught a tear with my sleeve.'
I think it's clever how you managed to use vocabulary which was slightly sisnister and dark, fitting into the theme, which is what a lot of people forget to do when creating an atmosphere of some sort. Over all, I really enjoyed this.

I like this, I really do.
You show the effort you put but at the same time you kept it simple and understandable. You surely showed emotion throughout the whole text.

Good Job, I will check your profile for more writings.

Cheers,
Vincent Q.

Hey there, just here to return the favor for your review on Fairytales.

This was different...in a good way, don't worry You have a nice rhythm established by the middle of the poem, but I feel a bit lost before that. Not by the content or your words, just by the rhythm. This is just simply a personal opinion, so feel free to discard it. I just thought I'd share my two cents worth. Anyway, you are a good poet and you certainly have a way with words. I really enjoyed this!

~Jess

AliyahPillage wrote:The room was filled
with light,
with dark,
with shadows dancing in an ark,
around the floor,
around my lifeless body.

I just loved that! I really enjoyed reading this poem, and it's written in such a way that there's beauty in such a little amount of words. The way you spaced out your lines has real etiquette, and I hate it when poems are too chunky. Your use of free verse was beautiful and the imagery was amazing, it has a sort of eerie kind of feel to it... and I'm sure that's how you meant for it to be! Keep writing