Young Writers Society

My brain is running like a sugar high
times ten plus an espresso,
the seatbelt too tight
around my hamburger-and-fries-stretch stomach.

My hyperactive consciousness
ricochets off the
soft cranial folds of my mind
like five year old boys
on a moon bounce at the fair.

My eyes are half-dollars
(the silver kind),
my lips pressed together,
to dam the waterfall of anxious chatter
threatening to burst out.

Seconds take minutes,
minutes take hours,
this hour is at least a day long
(I would know, I’m counting).

Good use of words in my opinion..although i didn't really get the feeling of anticipation from reading this poem, but I'm not a poetry expert so don't take that to heart..good work and nice signature by the way lol :]

hi! I'm here to review Hope you like.

My brain is running like a sugar high,
Times ten plus an espresso.

switch the comma around and add a period.

this seatbelt too tight,
around my hamburger-and-fries-stretched stomach.

soft cranial folds of my mind,
like five year old boys
on a moon bounce at the fair.

My eyes are half-dollars
The silver kind.
My lips pressed together,

to dam the waterfall of anxious chatter
threatening to burst out

Not really the best word here...

Seconds take minutes,
Minutes take hours,
this hour is at least a day long
I would know, I’m counting.

I love this part.

Hope I helped!
~Drama

Hey, shiney1 here

I absolutely love the imagery here! Good use of similes as well.
Although, I feel that this poem lacks a great amount of flow, so it kind of ruins it. There were places that were choppy and disruptive, if you understand what I mean. In the end, I was not satisfied at all for some reason. I think you are missing something, but I am not sure what. I just feel it is kind of empty...Don't worry about it, for I don't know exactly what it is either yet XD

My brain is running like a sugar high
times ten plus an espresso;
the seat belt too tight Seat belt is two words, not one.
around my hamburger-and-fries-stretched stomach.

My hyperactive consciousness
ricochets off the
soft cranial folds of my mind, Great imagery here.
like five year old boys
on a moon bounce at the fair. Great simile.

My eyes are half-dollars
(the silver kind),
my lips pressed together,
to dam the waterfall of anxious chatter
threatening to burst out.

Seconds take minutes,
minutes take hours,
this hour is at least a day long
(I would know, I’m counting). This ending is probably the problem. It was not what I had in mind for a poem like this. It just seems to plain, blunt and out of sync.

That is all form me!

Heyy. So I wanted to do a little spying on you to see your poetry and stuff, I couldn't resist. So it happens I really enjoyed it, and I'm going to snoop some more here in a minute. But here is my review:

around my hamburger-and-fries-stretched stomach.

I just think this would fit better with the flow of things.. Thats how I read it in my head.

My eyes are half-dollars
(the silver kind),
my lips pressed together,
to dam the waterfall of anxious chatter
threatening to burst out.

My personal favorite stanza. I know I'm exactly like this when I'm waiting for something. I just can't stop talking! Plus my moms always telling me how my eyes are always dilated so I liked this.

The flows a little choppy, BUT if we really want to analyze this deeply; when you're anxious or nervous doesn't what you say tend to be choppy and not graceful and flowy. So for this poem I think the flow works.

I'm re-reading the ending and I feel a little let down I fill like one more stanza would have really completed it. But perhaps you meant it to be open-ended, but I want to know what you're waiting for!

Alas overall it is an enjoyable poem and it made me want to review it so, job well done.

-Bryn

I love the ending!
'I would know, I'm counting'
cute!

Hey, sarebear!

This was really fun to read and the descriptions of anticipation just leaped from my computer screen.
Great work and keep those creative juices flowing!

Murtuza