Traces

I haven't a clue what this is. Pretty raw, cause I dunno what to do with it. The end needs desperate help.


we like to wish for impossible things together--
to kneel with our hands clasped and hope that maybe the stars we catch won't burn or
mar our skin, cause there are scars enough already--
that maybe the moon won't be so cratered tonight--each spot
reminds me of your gray flecked eyes, and I want so badly to forget.
and maybe, just maybe, I will forget, and when I look in the mirror
to do my makeup in the morning, my eyes will pass over the marks you
left on me.

we always tend to forget about how things eventually decay and
seep into memories, sweet and sour and coarse on our tongue.
but when we catch them just right, the morning stars are soft and bright
and curious between our fingers, and we can forget about the painful
paths they'd left behind them, singing and searing the sky.

---sometimes, just knowing that I can trace back the lights and sparks
where our hands once touched and clasped and fell in together is enough to get me
through the day. sometimes, its even enough to get me through the night.

I'll have a proper look at this for ya in the morning...well later morning?

I'll have a proper look at this for ya in the morning

*yawns* Same here.

HI there

Good job. I really like this poem. I like how your use of language and how it breaks out of the usual love poem format.

My only problem is the flow. It feels quite dense and clunky in parts. It feels like your trying to cram as much detail into it as possible. I recommend you try and space it out a bit and simply. Although it is always important to describe you can do it so it does not become over complicated.

Besides that, good job.

I'm holding my place, right here. A review will come soon. The stars tell me so.

I like this. It's emotional but not fluffy.

You seem to have free-written at times, and that gives me the feel of a poetess who is trying to cope with something, and has just let their thoughts translate down onto paper. A wonderful, light sort of feeling.

However, you have forgotten your basic rules of capitalization. There is no rythm, no visible meter, or is it free verse? Certainly seems to be. I don't see anything wrong with the end - though it starts to sound more like a person speaking than a poem. But that is the quality of free-writing.

I would be lying if I said I didn't enjoy this poem (and your comparison with the morning stars, whcih reminded me of Hayao Miyazaki's Howl's Moving Castle, and Miyazaki's Howl), even if sad poems aren't really my kind of thing.
Good work. Unlike a previous reviewer, I see no information overload. (Wonder why she put that there... hmm.)
- Alex

P.S. Free-writing is a method where the poet simply puts down the thoughts that follow each other, randomly. I will now free-write for you: "The clouds are fluffy. I really want something sugary right now. I wonder what's for lunch. Howcome the fish caught in the morning in Oman don't rot by the time they reach Dubai the next day?"
I hope you got that, ha ha.
A good example of free-writing is A Supermarket in California by Allen Ginsberg. Read it if you want. S'not bad, really.

Hi. I really loved the basic idea of this piece. It's got good substance, but could be structured a lot better. The first thing I noted about this poem: - it doesn't flow well. I'm sorry, but I kept stopping to re-read sentences which were, in my opinion, a little too flowery. Hey, I have exactly the same problem: I totally overdescribe things sometimes. If you just simplify things a little - or alternitively: keep the OTT prose and smooth it out - it'll flow much better. Also, there was no rhythm or real breaks in the poem where the reader could pause appropriately. Definately needs some set stanzas. Other than that, a good,decent piece. Thanks! AC xxx

Persaaayyyy. It feels as if it's been forever since I've reviewed something by you.
Why would you allow me to be so lazy for so long? Goodness.

Alrighty - let's start off with the downers.

1) I think some of your lines (not too many, fortunately) were a bit dramatic... perhaps too dramatic. For example:

"I want so badly to forget. and maybe, just maybe, I will forget"
"but when we catch them just right"
"it's even enough to..."

The meaning behind each line I quoted isn't so much a problem as the way you go about wording it all (I bolded what I what my attention was specifically drawn to). It just sounds so unnatural.. unrealistic. Like one of those little kid movies where the protagonist is trying to pump up his/her audience, where he/she's all like "no... no it's okay. I believe in the good, the good will always shine through, blablabla. If we can just get this right, then maybe... maybe everything will be okay. It will be enough to save us, and maybe even enough to save the woorrrllddd. *dramatic gasp---- victorious cheer, despite the fact that they haven't even "won" yet*" Obviously that's a terrible way to put it, but you get what I mean. The way you have it, those words are just taking up space and stealing from the other parts that are actually quite beautiful. I'd suggest reworking those parts or just find a way to take them out.

2) You have this thing going on with all of the "and...and...and"
Now, I'd be a hypocrite if I said it was "wrong." Honestly, I use it all the time. The only problem is that in this piece, you definitely have an abundance of "and," which gets tiring after a while. Showing up a couple times isn't so bad, but listing things with just "and" frequently isn't a strong strategy in this case. Maybe take some of those areas where there are a lot of "and"s out and reword them?

3) major nitpick that's kind of unnecessary : "always" and "tend" right next to each other doesn't really work, considering tend isn't as definite as always. They hold two different meanings.... saying you always forget something suggests that there's never a time when you remember, while tend only suggests that sometimes you forget and sometimes you don't. I'd just choose one or the other.

Now, I could go through and pick everything apart more, but I don't want to be a jerk so yeah. TIME FOR PRAISE.
I wush this. As I said before, it's fantastic.
One thing I really admire about it is the honest atmosphere.. like a confession. Sometimes when you write in third person, I don't feel the words as much as I do when you write in first or second. That doesn't mean I don't like when you write in third person - it just means that, for your writing, I connect better when reading something in first or second person (does that make sense at all?). I don't know whether to call this first or second - I was thinking first - and it probably doesn't matter.... but I just like the style. Especially the last two sentences (minus the "even enough" )... very raw, yes. But awesome.

Also. I'm just a sucker for poems regarding the stars and the sky and anything between the two. Your imagery and descriptions weren't quite as unique as they usually are, but in all honesty I liked them, as cliche as some of them were. There were a bunch of lines in here that I simply adore.

I realize half of what I said didn't really make sense. I'm home sick and in no shape at all to think.
The point is, I really, really like this. It's quite simple compared to your other poems, and.. yeah. I just love it.
Sorry for being pretty much useless. You're amazing. Your writing is amazing. The end.

Eek, this does need help!

I think a lot of trimming might be really healthy for this.

we like to wish for impossible things together-- <-- together is not needed because you already said we.

to kneel with our hands clasped and hope that maybe the stars we catch won't burn or <-- this seems weird because the second phrase talks about catching the stars, but the first part talks about kneeling with their hands clasped, which is definitely not a good way to even try to catch the stars.

mar our skin, cause there are scars enough already--
that maybe the moon won't be so cratered tonight--each spot
reminds me of your gray flecked eyes, and I want so badly to forget. <-- From the first part, it sounds like they are together as a couple and here it sounds like they are apart, so it's weird because what is going on? There seems to be a contradiction here. Normally, it wouldn't be so bad, but it's really confusing in this case because it destroys the image of what these two people look like in your head. Also, the aside sounds really random. In the first aside, you were talking about scars from catching the stars. Here, you have to jump from the craters on the moon to his eyes, and that's kind of an awkward leap which is not as accessible just because you have to describe his eyes first, which is right now coming off as the poet tripping over herself, lol. So, see what you can do to smooth this out.

and maybe, just maybe, I will forget, and when I look in the mirror
to do my makeup in the morning, my eyes will pass over the marks you <-- This is partly because the English language sucks sometimes, but the words "to do my make up" sound really yucky. Can you possibly be more specific? Like, "Applied mascara" or whatever, just so you can avoid this sort of awkward language?

left on me. <-- I do like the marks bit!

we always tend to forget about how things eventually decay and <-- get rid of "tend to." It's too long and poetry is too short.

seep into memories, sweet and sour and coarse on our tongue. <-- So you are saying things decay and seep into memories. Ooookay. Next logical question is what decays?

but when we catch them just right, the morning stars are soft and bright <-- You need to introduce the stars again. Or see if you can combine them in with the line above. Otherwise, the transition back to the beginning is awkward.

and curious between our fingers, and we can forget about the painful <-- aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and, and. And. It wouldn't be so bad if you didn't start this line with this and then continue it with an and. But really, you should see if you could get rid of the "and" in "and we can forget..."

paths they'd left behind them, singing and searing the sky. <-- pick one word for that. Too many ands otherwise.

---sometimes, just knowing that I can trace back the lights and sparks
where our hands once touched and clasped and fell in together is enough to get me <-- Aaaaaaaaaaaand. No, really, when you find yourself using this many ands, it's a clue that you haven't found the right word and you're just adding more words to make it sound poetic. Take the time, find the right word, and it'll be magnificent.

through the day. sometimes, its even enough to get me through the night. <-- "its" should be "it's"

So! I do like the poem, but it was really awkwardly done. So see if you can clean it up some -- I don't think the edits should be hard! -- and contact me when you finish. I'd love to read the edit.

You have a great start, I think with some adjustment to structure, flow, some more lines.....and, you will have an amazing astrological poem, let me know if you continue with this!!! Thank-you, for sharing with all of us.

Kafkaescence wrote:

I'll have a proper look at this for ya in the morning

*yawns* Same here.

Snoink reminded me of that post...Gah, I've been so busy lately. Sorry.

we like to wish for impossible things together--
to kneel with our hands clasped and hope that maybe the stars we catch won't burn or
mar our skin, cause there are scars enough already--
that maybe the moon won't be so cratered tonight--each spot
reminds me of your gray flecked eyes, and I want so badly to forget.
and maybe, just maybe, I will forget, and when I look in the mirror
to do my makeup in the morning, my eyes will pass over the marks you
left on me.

This could use some work. See, not only do you have a mishmash of images, but lots of the feelings you're trying to get rolling are crashing into each other as well. It's a rare poem of yours that doesn't have a definite emotional quality, but, unfortunately, I can't make anything out of this. You start out with hope, and then you move on to betrayal - which is a perfectly fine transition - but then you start delving into self-redemption (putting on makeup in front of a mirror in the morning=trying to redeem oneself in a post-drama time), and I honestly don't see how that fits into anything. Going into the imagery, you've got some good stuff - but it all seems somewhat halfhearted and wandering. Okay.

we always tend to forget about how things eventually decay and
seep into memories, sweet and sour and coarse on our tongue.
but when we catch them just right, the morning stars are soft and bright
and curious between our fingers, and we can forget about the painful
paths they'd left behind them, singing and searing the sky.

In bold are the phrases that I think need to be reworked. Wording is important, and this is one department where it is important to hit home. If the wording works, then the reader won't be distracted from the true body of the poem. Anyway. This is a bit of a phase change in comparison with your last stanza, which seemed a bit more, for lack of a better word, exciting, whereas this is starting to take on your trademark lethargic feel. Put together, I'm not so sure they work too spectacularly.

---sometimes, just knowing that I can trace back the lights and sparks
where our hands once touched and clasped and fell in together is enough to get me
through the day. sometimes, its even enough to get me through the night.

I like this. Again, you've got that lazy style that you're so adroit at capturing. Really, I have no nitpicks for this - except that perhaps the "sparks between two lovers' hands" image is somewhat cliched. But even that the reader wouldn't notice upon first glance. Originality is always better, of course - but you know you must be good when you can make a cliche sound innovative.

So. Good work. Again, so sorry about that delay. PM me if you have any questions or comments. Keep it up!

-Kafka