The Bus

This isn't my favorite poem I've done, but it's a fairly accurate description of what I feel sometimes. Enjoy.

------------

"The Bus"

I am sitting on the Bus
There is no light inside
The seats are made of ice
My back is against the window

There are a million Suns outside
They are grabbing at me
But their warm hands do not reach me
I look over my shoulder

I ask the driver to stop
He says he does not know how
I see we are heading to the Tunnel
He does not hear my protests

I look at my watch
It goes at an impossible rate
I look at the Suns
They quickly pass by

I fear I will never walk with the Suns
I fear I will reach the tunnel too soon
I want to get off the Bus
I want to bask in the Sunshine

Hi!
First of all, I like this poem. I think that you are successful at conveying your emotions, which is critical.
Minor details that I think would help slightly would be to make your poem slightly less wordy. You say things like "He says he does not know how", which would, in my opinion, be better reduced simply to "He does not know how". Also, a minor gramatical thing that might make it flow slightly better is, instead of saying "They are grabbing" or "We are heading", simply say, "They grab" or "We head". These things will improve the meter of your poem, and hopefully increase the impact of your message.
Other than that, great poem. Keep up the good work.

Hi there Thing!

Alright so what I think could really use improvement here is you need to stop telling us, and start showing. Right now it's just "I do this, I do that, something something something." Truth be told, it's kind of boring. Add some more detail into it! I'm not saying turn it into almost a story descriptive, just give it a little more power.

grammatical error are much in the poem and the poem does not have feeling in it its just a boring line of story it misses the feeling of a poem, its as if am reading a story.

This poem does not having any feeling/it's boring/it's wordy

I think some people are missing the point. It's supposed to be boring, it's supposed lack emotions, and it's supposed to be wordy.

Trust me, I may not have a lot of written material on YWS (or in general), but I know what I was doing when I wrote this. I don't want to stand here and explain why I did everything the way I did (that's what I find fun in poetry - deciphering the meaning based on what was given), but you need to believe me that this is the way I meant it to be written.

Emorykings wrote:grammatical error are much in the poem

Oh, the irony. Anyway, can you point out what a few of the grammatical errors? This is supposed to have technically perfect grammar and sentence structure, and I want to make sure that it is, in fact, technically perfect.

I like the idea you have; the bus metaphor is a really good way of looking at this particular subject. However, I agree with the others that there definitely needs to be more showing and less telling, and there does need to be a clearer theme to the poem. As ryanke said, don't shrug off their suggestions, claiming that's how you intended it to be. A work of art is always changing, always improving, and often it turns out way different than it was intended to be.

The need to show rather than tell, as I mentioned earlier, is really apparent in this piece, particularly in the 1st and 3rd stanzas. For example, instead of saying "He does not hear my protests," say something like, "My protests remain unheard." There's quite a few more examples, but I advise by editing out as many of the verbs-to-be (is, was, are, were, etc.) as you can. A writing teacher gave me that advice a while ago, and I still use it. It really does wonders for a piece of writing.

Overall, you've got a nice idea, but it needs work. It's a bit monotonous, and a little wordy, as others said. PM me if you have an questions.

~Tigress

Hey TheThing!

This is a very stilted poem. That's fine and all, but really, I was hoping for more drama. You have a very square kind of narrator who seems rather insane. The million suns, for instance. Unless he's referring to stars as suns, as technically stars are suns and suns are stars... but as he wants to bask in sunlight, I am guessing this is not the case. So you have this really insane man who wants to get out of a bus. And you end with... him wanting sunlight? I don't know. I keep on thinking, "Is that all?"

I mean, I'm sure that you meant this to be more meaningful. I remember looking back at my old poetry (and cringing) knowing full well that it was meant to be meaningful. The problem is, without a certain amount of drama, the question becomes, "Who cares?" So yes, I can probably analyze this poem to death and make up something interesting, but when there are thousands of other poems with more intrigue (no, really, I helped compile the YWS Poetry Database, which has thousands of poems in it) then I lose interest in the endeavor.

So basically? You have to make us care. This means that you have to have some drama inherent to it... and you have to use it to your full advantage. I want to share you one of my favorite poems:

This Is Just to Say

I have eaten
the plums
that were in
the icebox

and which
you were probably
saving
for breakfast

Forgive me
they were delicious
so sweet
and so cold

You probably know this poem... after all, your poem shares similarities with this! So what drama does this seemingly innocent poem have?

1) It's a love note. Not only is it a love note, but it's a love note obviously written to a very strong woman character. You know she's strong because otherwise he wouldn't bother writing this note... after all, it's only a couple of plums! You can imagine that, if this were to play out, this would have some sort of confrontation. After all, he encroached on her territory, the kkitchen..

2) The narrator is delightfully playful about it. On one hand, he apologizes for eating the plums... on the other hand, he talks about how tasty they were, almost as if he were triumphant about the stolen plums. Even in the plain, monotonic language, this playfulness comes out.

So there's some interaction that is beyond just the narrator. You can't actually know what is happening, of course... but they're something beyond just him.

Obviously, you can't do this very well with your character, seeing as he's crazy. But at least have him have some meaningful interaction with the world. And one way you can do this is to make him have one tiny victory. Even him touching the window and feeling the warmth of the sun through the glass would be better than just have him endlessly swept away by the universe. This creates a natural drama... after all, it's one thing for him to lose completely. That's melodrama. It's quite another to get a small taste of the divine and to lose it. That's tragedy. And that's why "The Chimney Sweeper" by William Blake is such an excellent poem.

So yes. Revise!

Also, because you said this should be completely grammatically correct, you should know that you poem is not grammatically correct, otherwise you would end every line with a period, as that is the natural.

Here are you grammatical errors they are CAPITALIZE
Firstly to start with there is no puntuations even when needed.

I am sitting on THE BUS (the expression is not specific it would have been straight forwad using A BUS)
There is no light inside
The seats are made of ice
My back is against the window
There are a million SUNS (there is nothing like suns at least not in the dictionary i know) outside
They are GRABBING (that term refers to suprise, but the poet would not be suprise if he knows there is a sun outside) at me
But their warm hands DO NOT REACH ME (again grabbing means they touch you already, even for an irony grabbing isnt the best word)
I look over my shoulder
I ask the driver to stop
He says he does not know how
I see we are heading to the Tunnel
He does not HEAR MY PROTEST (ealier you said he does not know how it makes his character uncertain does he really not want to stop or he cant even if he wants to)
I look at my watch
It goes at an impossible rate
I look at the SUNS
They quickly pass by
I fear I will never walk with the Suns
I fear I will reach the tunnel too soon
I want to get off the Bus
I want to bask in the Sunshine

You should really consider re-writing this poem i'd be willing to help only if you want me to. Its a good story line that can be converted into a good poem.

Hey there!

One thing I liked about this poem was your use of capitalization. You've got it dead on with the "Bus," "Sun" and "Sunshine", it seems.

I agree with everyone else about the need to show not tell, add some drama or twists, give it a purpose, be grammatically correct (which it's not, you lack punctuation and it detracts from the piece), and ditch most of the "-ing" endings. Think about mixing up the language: the sentence structure, the vocabulary, the line breaks etc.

Good luck!