Nine Eleven revised

I was in preschool, maybe four years old when 9/11 happened. One of my friends' father was killed. I didn't really understand. I remember my mother telling me to be extra-nice to her but I didn't truly know why. Now I know. This poem is for her.

Glass shattering
tiny shards falling
so many
it seems to rain crystals
Flame tendrils
creeping up,
smoke billowing.
Death.

That is what they teach us.
that is all
they want us to know.

But that isn’t
all that really happened;
the yells
and shouts
and screams,
the mayhem,
the sirens wailing
like an animal in pain.

That is just a mask,
a black veil that we have drawn
over this day.

It is truly about the loss.
The people who were killed.
The children who were orphaned.

Your father
going into work
and never coming home.
Your mother
with tears coursing down her cheeks
like so many salty rivers
telling you that he
is not coming back.
That he is gone.

And you feel alone.
More alone than you have ever felt.
To know that you
will never see his smile again,
with the brightness to light up
your darkest day.
Will never hold his hand again,
feel the warm callouses
assuring you that he will hold you
forever.

That he is gone.

Gone.

Hey. I really like what you wrote. It has depth and meaning to it. It makes you think about more than just what happened, but the consequences that came from it.

The only thing I don't like about it is the first line. I don't think that it fits in what you are trying to say. But that's just my opinion. But what you have done it really good.

Hey there!

It was nice to hear your side of this event. I feel like it's such a not-talked about event that some people think it never happened. of course, some people don't want to remember it, but I think we should. It was a time where everyone in America stood together, and that used to be what America was all about.

The only criticism I have is that you list death in your opening stanza, but you say below that death wasn't what really happened, and then again say that it did happen? I'm just a little confused. You might want to clarify that list a bit.

Nice poem!

Classy

Awwe, this was so...depressing...in a good way of course.
I liked it, it was rather well done as the others said.
It's a time that lots would like to forget...and though I'm not American, I don't think it's right to forget things like that. They need to be remembered. I actually remember crying that night...I wasn't even really old enough to fully understand it, but anything about death made me cry. Especially hundreds of deaths...
Very well done

I really liked this. Like Isha said, it was depressing but in a good way. It kind of reminds me that my older brother could be killed in Afganistan...not sure if I spelled that right, but he's in the Nazy. So, that made me sad; however, this was good. Keep up the awesome work!(:

- Justis Ha ha!

wow I was so close to tear it wasn't even funny

I love this poem. I woudn't change anything, but take out the first line. I don't really think it goes with the rest of the stanza. Besides that it is perfect. It made think about all the pain, and the best part is that you showed. Insted of telling. Hope I helped
A. S.

Heya
Here to review as requested! I'm not very good at reviewing poetry, so don't take my critique too seriously. I'll definitely try my best though.

A crash
Glass shattering
Flames
Smoke
Fire
Death.

I quite liked the layout and structure of this, it works well.

That is what they teach us.
That is all
That we are supposed to know.

I'm not to keen on the last line here, mainly because you repeat the word that. I also don't really like how you've used the word supposed. I think it would sound better if you write something like ~
That is all
we are allowed to know

The yells
And shouts
And screams,
The mayhem,
The sirens wailing.

Once again, I like this layout.

That is just the cover,
Just the mask.

I think that you should replace the 'the' in these lines with 'a'. just a cover, just a mask. I just think that it flows better.

That he is gone.

Gone.

I don't really like the repetition of gone here. I think that it would be better if you just crossed out the second 'Gone.' If not, maybe you could replace it with something like, 'Forever'.

Overall

I quite liked this, actually. My favourite thing is the message of the poem, it's a very good one. I also like the structure an awful lot. I like how, on some lines, there is only one or two words. It emphasizes the words, which is extremely effective! I also like how the poem isn't annoyingly short, but it's not endlessly long either. Well done for that.

My main critique is about the content of the poem. What happened to the world trade centres, and the pentagon, was awful. Thousands of people were killed and millions of lives were destroyed. It was a very, very emotional happening. Now, my problem is that I didn't really feel any emotions reading this. I'm not sure how to explain it, your words just didn't seem to make me feel what I should have felt. I think the main reason for this is the fact that you don't really use any imagery. You describe what happened; people died, planes crashed, people panicking e.t.c. You didn't really create any pictures in my head though. Basically, I want you to be a bit more descriptive. Being more descriptive actually helps the reader feel emotion towards a piece.

For example, at the beginning.

A crash
Glass shattering

This is just an example, but you could have described the glass smashing.

A crash.
Glass shattering like a million corrupted diamonds,
falling aimlessly onto the hard, cold ground.

Do you get what I mean? Descriptions create some really nice, or not nice, images in your head.

As for nit-picks, what I noticed first was the fact that you capitalize the start of every line! You don't actually need to do this, many poets don't know this. If the previous line ends with a period, then you should start the next line with a capital letter. Although, if you end the previous line with a comma or no grammar marks, then you don't necessarily need a capital letter. It's okay for you to start every line with a capitalization, it just looks a lot better if you don't! I think that it does, anyway.

Overall, I did enjoy reading this! It was a good read, I must say. I liked how you put the readers in the situation by telling them to imagine that they're father had died. That was good. Out of the whole poem, that was the part that made me feel some emotions! As well as this, the grammar was pretty much perfect. Except for the capitalization, that is . You put all of the commas in the right places, and you did the same with the periods. A lot of people struggle when it comes to grammar in poems. You are clearly not one of these people, well done!

If you consider what I've said, this poem could not just be good; it could be great!

Good luck and keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Hi, this is WritingWords with the review you requested.

I really, really liked this. It has feelings and emotions inside the words. See, I like this kind of writing because the words aren't just there for people to read and review, it's for people to feel. That is what writing truly is. I mean, who cares if you wrote a long novel if it doesn't have feeling and the words don't fly off the page into your mind?

Okay, back to your poem. You should write more poetry instead of stories. Really. I think you need a stronger beginning. Never start your poems with "a". That's weak. Just say "Crash", not "a crash". I think you developed your poem more as you progressed.

And, this:

That is just the cover,
Just the mask.

Okay, no need for repetitive words. Mask and cover are the same things.

I like the "gone" part. Keep writing poetry!

This is a beautiful way to remember something so horrible and tragic. It's depressing to read, because I remember the day it happened. I was a little let down after the first stanza because you used such nice images, then after that it was kind of you just telling us. Anyway I still thought it was pretty good.

Keep writing!

~Hope

I liked the poem. It wasn't so much depressing as it was real. Keep this kind of style and it will take you far.

HEY NICE POEM. LIKE IT

Hello there, Sarebear!

I find this interesting and a touching poem. I liked the flow of this poem especially from the first stanza. The way you portrayed those glass shattering and the smoke coming out from the building are very vivid and real that made me imagine those things.
Anyway, I could only see quite mistakes here that others have pretty much covered it up already.

Keep writing!

Peace out!

Hey sare, me again

I've just come back to this, simply to say how much I like it now! You took us reviewers advice and did your best to edit your poem. It's even better than it was before now. You've put a lot more imagery in this and now I really do feel connected when I read this poem. I'm really glad that you've accomplished this, well done.

Keep up the good work!

xoxo Skins