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It's snowing

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Korseld
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It's snowing.
And as the snowflakes fall
to the surface of the earth so do I.
The pieces of you are gone and
all alone I stand here.
Remembering.
I think of the past
and how I lost you to heaven.
I know you are always with me, but
still I feel like this.
It's snowing.
And as the snowflakes fall
to the surface of the earth I die.




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Points 10701
Reviews 356
Hey there Korseld! Welcome to YWS! You'll have great joy here (if you don't suck :P)
Anyway, I'm Kat and I'm going to review your piece :D
Your theme is a very good theme. But you didn't displayed it in the best way.
Your imagery was weak. You did not made the reader (in this case me) feel what you felt. I couldn't even understand.

It's snowing. [And?]
And as the snowflakes fall [It would sound better without the and]
to the surface of the earth so do I. [Confusing. Maybe consider reword it]
The pieces of you are gone and [Again, maybe remove the and]
all alone I stand here. [and if you remove the and on the line above reword this]
Remembering.
I think of the past [maybe reword this. it seems that doesn't fit]
and how I lost you to heaven.
I know you are always with me, but [put the but in the line below]
still I feel like this. [like this? How exactly?]
It's snowing.
And as the snowflakes fall [Remove the and. it sounds better]
to the surface of the earth I die. [WOW. Tragic. maybe develop this a bit more]


In the end, it's not a bad poem. It's just okay, but it can be polished up into something greater. And a bit short. In a poem, you'd like to have a little more length so that you can display your point a bit more obviously. And the rhyming. Well, rhyming isn't always needed on a poem, but it makes it more fun to read, and gives the poem a nicer flow.
Those are my advices.
Hope I helped!

*Kat*

P.S: PM me if you need anything :D
Piglet: How do you spell love?
Pooh: You don't spell it. You feel it.

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Points 890
Reviews 86
I liked how your line breaks were slightly off. However, it would have improved the flow of your poem if there were a few more commas in certain places. I'd qoute it and show you where I mean, but I don't know how to do that. Also, I don't believe poems have to rhyme-I actually hate writing poems that rhyme, and I don;t think there is a length requirement. Overall, I thought it was nice.
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It is only a novel... or, in short, only some work in which the greatest powers of the mind are displayed, in which the most thorough knowledge of human nature, the happiest delineation of its varieties, the liveliest effusions of wit and humour, are conveyed to the world in the best-chosen language
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