It's snowing

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Korseld
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It's snowing.
And as the snowflakes fall
to the surface of the earth so do I.
The pieces of you are gone and
all alone I stand here.
Remembering.
I think of the past
and how I lost you to heaven.
I know you are always with me, but
still I feel like this.
It's snowing.
And as the snowflakes fall
to the surface of the earth I die.




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Gender Female
Points 10701
Reviews 356
Hey there Korseld! Welcome to YWS! You'll have great joy here (if you don't suck :P)
Anyway, I'm Kat and I'm going to review your piece :D
Your theme is a very good theme. But you didn't displayed it in the best way.
Your imagery was weak. You did not made the reader (in this case me) feel what you felt. I couldn't even understand.

It's snowing. [And?]
And as the snowflakes fall [It would sound better without the and]
to the surface of the earth so do I. [Confusing. Maybe consider reword it]
The pieces of you are gone and [Again, maybe remove the and]
all alone I stand here. [and if you remove the and on the line above reword this]
Remembering.
I think of the past [maybe reword this. it seems that doesn't fit]
and how I lost you to heaven.
I know you are always with me, but [put the but in the line below]
still I feel like this. [like this? How exactly?]
It's snowing.
And as the snowflakes fall [Remove the and. it sounds better]
to the surface of the earth I die. [WOW. Tragic. maybe develop this a bit more]


In the end, it's not a bad poem. It's just okay, but it can be polished up into something greater. And a bit short. In a poem, you'd like to have a little more length so that you can display your point a bit more obviously. And the rhyming. Well, rhyming isn't always needed on a poem, but it makes it more fun to read, and gives the poem a nicer flow.
Those are my advices.
Hope I helped!

*Kat*

P.S: PM me if you need anything :D
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Pooh: You don't spell it. You feel it.

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Points 890
Reviews 86
I liked how your line breaks were slightly off. However, it would have improved the flow of your poem if there were a few more commas in certain places. I'd qoute it and show you where I mean, but I don't know how to do that. Also, I don't believe poems have to rhyme-I actually hate writing poems that rhyme, and I don;t think there is a length requirement. Overall, I thought it was nice.
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