aquaphobia

Gender:

Points: 18178
Reviews: 1259

Fri May 13, 2005 11:13 pm

Firestarter says...

when it all falls down
like an emotional waterfall
a cornucopia of drowning dreams
and all you have left
is the bittersweet tase of burning water

wave after wave of salt burning forgotten wounds
the poison of poseidon swelling your veins
and you refuse to swim.

the ship has only hit the rocks
the flag is still at full mast
and all you have to do
is follow the lighthouse in your sleep

tread water
the rivers of blood will be dammed with rejuvenation
the givers of blood will be damned with retribution
the dolphins will laugh behind you
ride the storm and enjoy the calm

and pray there are no more glaciers in your way.

Nate wrote:And if YWS ever does become a company, Jack will be the President of European Operations. In fact, I'm just going to call him that anyways.

Gender:

Points: 6371
Reviews: 576

Fri May 13, 2005 11:29 pm

Ego says...

*shivers* bone chilling, Jack--maybe thats cuz I'm drugged up right now, but maybe not.

I liked this part a lot by the way:

wave after wave of salt burning forgotten wounds
the poison of poseidon swelling your veins
and you refuse to swim.

Gender:

Points: 6831
Reviews: 594

Fri May 13, 2005 11:34 pm

Crysi says...

I really really like this, Jack. Great imagery.

Love and Light

Gender:

Points: 8846
Reviews: 531

Sat May 14, 2005 9:42 pm

Caligula's Launderette says...

oooooohhh....superb as Lucas would say...I really liked this. Especially the imagery and the laughing dolphins.

*shiver* very nice job hon.

CL

Fraser: Stop stealing the blanket.
[Diefenbaker whines]
Fraser: You're an Arctic Wolf, for God's sake.
(Due South)

Hatter: Do I need a reason to help a pretty girl in a very wet dress? (Alice)

Got YWS?

Gender:

Points: 890
Reviews: 685

Sun May 15, 2005 1:31 am

Rei says...

Yeah, I think I'm going to have to go with everyone else on this one.

Please, sit down before you fall down.
Belloq, "Raiders of the Lost Ark"

Gender:

Points: 3941
Reviews: 488

Sun May 15, 2005 2:37 am

Meshugenah says...

Same here, no matter what you said (about it, not about what it's about, if that makes sense at all).

tread water
the rivers of blood will be dammed with rejuvenation
the givers of blood will be damned with retribution
the dolphins will laugh behind you
ride the storm and enjoy the calm

and pray there are no more glaciers in your way.

Chilling.

At the risk of sounding highly redundant, I don't know how you do it sometimes. bravo.

***Under the Responsibility of S.P.E.W.***
(Sadistic Perplexion of Everyone's Wits)

Medieval Lit! Come here to find out who Chaucer plagiarized and translated - and why and how it worked in the late 1300s.

I <3 Rydia

Gender:

Points: 17580
Reviews: 798

Sun May 15, 2005 2:46 am

Areida says...

Excellent... I too am going to have to agree with everyone else. Chilling really is the best word. Great job, Jack. Normally I post my favourite lines but I would simply have to post the whole poem again.

Got YWS?

"Most of us have far more courage than we ever dreamed we possessed."
- Dale Carnegie

Gender:

Points: 10087
Reviews: 701

Sun May 15, 2005 3:29 am

bubblewrapped says...

Hm. I must have been in a bad mood when I first read this coz for some reason I didnt like it - but on second reading I think its great. :shock:

I'm weird. But hey, who isnt?

Anyways, I have no real critique - its very good just the way it is - except for the last line. I think you should change it. It doesnt have a strong enough link to the rest of the poem and there just isnt enough dramatic impact. So yeah, a bit of tweaking needed there. Otherwise, though, kudos on another great piece.

Got a poem or short story you want me to critique?

There is only one success: to be able to spend your life in your own way, and not to give others absurd maddening claims upon it. (C D Morley)