Young Writers Society

This monologue was inspired by a scene in the book Impossible, by Nancy Werlin. What do you think?

I see myself in the car with Zack and yet flashes overcome my vision. (Pause) Flashes of what happened only minutes ago.
Zack asks me to tell him what happened, (pause) but I don’t really understand it myself. Maybe talking about it could make my hands stop shaking.
(Smiling Pause) Gray had picked me up in his blue mini cooper. He in a tux, and I in an elegant pink dress. He parks far away from the hotel entrance, in the dark secluded corner of the parking lot, but I overlook that, for it was Gray. And I was happy.
During the dance, friends pass around flasks with god knows what in them, but we do not drink, for I was with Gray, the straight edge, and I was happy.
We leave the hotel and his arm is wrapped around my waist. He was so close and he was so sweet that this small gesture made my heart flitter. And I was happy.
As we reached his car, his grip began to tighten. (Talk faster) I look up at him, his expression seemed lost, his face completely glazed over.
I say his name, wondering what was wrong, but he only whipped open the door. He threw me into the seat and I yelped in pain as something bears into my back. My brow creased as he crawled in on top of me and closed the door behind him. (Looooong Pause)
“I’ve wanted to be alone with you so much. I’ve been dying here. Couldn’t you tell?” He asked me. “Come here?” His face was intense. (Pause) Too intense. After all, it was only a kiss, wasn’t it? “Put your arms around me.”
It was then, I realized, that I didn’t actually want to do that. (Pause) There was an alarmed feeling knotting itself inside me. (Pause) But I did it anyway.
Then, he was kissing me. (Pause) Those soft lips. (Pause) Gentle. (Pause) Gentle. (Pause)
(Angry) Then not so gentle.
I said no. I screamed it against his hand that was covering my mouth. I was no athlete, I had no strength. So, shockingly, I couldn’t fight him off of me.
The car was so small, so dark, I couldn’t get away. (Pause)
I screamed for help, (Pause) help that never came. And even though I was helpless, I fought anyway. (Pause) I fought the darkness that was overcoming my vision. I fought the pain at my back and the pain throughout every inch of body. (Long Pause)
But, I could not win.
He moaned, he groaned and he laughed. Oh boy did he laugh.
When Gray was done, there was the most terrible moment of all. (Pause) Gray looked straight into my eyes, and I looked up, completely stunned and terror-stricken, into his.
It was the band geek, alright. His hair. His nose. His mouth. I knew it was him, but looking into his eyes…It wasn’t Gray at all. (Pause/Very Angry) It was someone else using his body.

Hey Astrid! I'm Mars and I'll review your monologue but first, on YWS, one of our rules is to post 3 reviews for others before posting your own story/poem. This ensures that everyone gets a few reviews and we spread the love around!

So first of all, this is my first monologue and I'm not sure if there's a specific format for how they're supposed to be written, so if I comment on the format and I'm wrong just ignore me 'kay?

astrid<3 wrote:I see myself in the car with Zack and yet flashes overcome my vision. I think this needs to be worded better. First of all, she's in the car, right? So she wouldn't "see herself" in it unless she's having some out of body experience, and if that's the case, it needs to be made clearer. Secondly "yet flashes overcome my vision": "yet" and "overcome" both don't fit here, possibly something more like "I'm in the car with Zack when the flashback comes"? That's a very simplistic version, but you get my point. xD I think some more description could be used here. (Pause) Flashes of what happened only minutes ago. Again, a it's awkward and feels overly dramatic.
Zack asks me to tell him what happened, (pause) but I don’t really understand it myself. Maybe talking about it could make my hands stop shaking.
(Smiling Pause) So, I get that all the pauses and stage directions (?) are because it's a monologue, but just reading it on paper like this, it's hard for me to get into the scene because they keep interrupting it. Maybe take them out just for now? (Maybe it's a personal thing, might not bother other people. Gray had picked The rest of the monologue is in present tense ("parks", "overlook", "pass" etc) but this is in past tense, and it does switch a couple times so be careful with that. Because flashbacks can be tricky tense wise though I'd probably put the entire memory into past, but anyway, keep them consistent =] me up in his blue mini cooper. He is (you need a verb else it's not a proper sentence) in a tux, and I in an elegant pink dress. He parks far away from the hotel entrance, in the dark secluded corner of the parking lot, but I overlook that, for it was is? Gray. And I was is? I'll stop pointing them out but just be aware! happy.
During the dance, friends pass around flasks with god knows what in them, but we do not drink, for I was with Gray, the straight edge, and I was happy.
We leave the hotel and his arm is wrapped around my waist. He was so close and he was so sweet that this small gesture made my heart flitter. And I was happy.
As we reached his car, his grip began to tighten. (Talk faster) I look up at him, his expression seemed lost, his face completely glazed over.
I say his name, wondering what was wrong, but he only whipped open the door. He threw me into the seat and I yelped in pain as something bears into my back. My brow creased as he crawled in on top of me and closed the door behind him. (Looooong Pause) This, to me, is too documentary-esque. She's telling all of the actions, but none of how she feels about it; I mean, she must be scared/shocked/confused etc.
“I’ve wanted to be alone with you so much. I’ve been dying here. Couldn’t you tell?” He asked me. I would put the "he asked me" at the beginning of the sentence, just because if the actress is saying this out loud, the audience wouldn't be able to see the quotation marks and they might be confused at first as to who is speaking “Come here?” His face was intense. Not sure about a face being intense. Eyes maybe, all in all not a very descriptive word. (Pause) Too intense. After all, it was only a kiss, wasn’t it? “Put your arms around me.”
It was then, I realized, that I didn’t actually want to do that. (Pause) There was an alarmed feeling knotting itself inside me. "Alarm was knotting itself up inside me" might sound better(Pause) But I did it anyway.
Then, he was kissing me. (Pause) Those soft lips. (Pause) Gentle. (Pause) Gentle. (Pause)
(Angry) Then not so gentle. I like this.
I said no. I screamed it against his hand that which was covering my mouth. I was no athlete, I had no strength. So, shockingly, I couldn’t fight him off of me. Sarcasm is not the right reaction for what she's just been through.
The car was so small, so dark, I couldn’t get away. (Pause)
I screamed for help, (Pause) help that never came. And even though I was helpless, I fought anyway. (Pause) I fought the darkness that was overcoming Stop using this word. Blindness, maybe? my vision. I fought the pain at my back and the pain throughout every inch of body. (Long Pause)
But, I could not win.
He moaned, he groaned and he laughed. Oh boy did he laugh.
When Gray was done, there was the most terrible moment of all. (Pause) Gray looked straight into my eyes, and I looked up, completely stunned and terror-stricken, into his.
It was the band geek, alright. His hair. His nose. His mouth. I knew it was him, but looking into his eyes…It wasn’t Gray at all. (Pause/Very Angry) It was someone else using his body. This is kind of a "wtf" ending; I'd either explain a little more here or give more clues throughout the rest of it that something more sinister, more supernatural is going on.

There, I think I've sufficiently shredded your monologue. I should make it clear that a harsh review does not mean your work is not good. It means the opposite - that someone liked it enough to go through and try and help you make it better. I liked it a lot; I haven't read the book you mentioned but I think this is a great start. And I'd suggest not keeping it a monologue but expanding it into a full on short story as it obviously has the potential.

Hope this helps! PM me with any questions.

Hey, Astrid! Okay so I hadn't logged into YWS in almost a year, but then I got a notification of your message and figured I had to come back at least once

Mars pointed out all the linguistics that I would have, so I can just talk about content. I haven't read the book you mentioned either, but the piece here is independent all on its own. I've always liked the style of monologues, and you kept true to it.

I thought it was wonderful; keep it up!

joseph.dean-

Hello Astrid. I took a look at this like you asked, but to be honest it's nearly impossible for me to give an honest opinion on it. I've never even heard of Impossible, much less read it. I don't know who these characters are, what their backstories are like, what the context of the scene is, or why I should care. Additionally, I can't tell if this is actually your writing style, or if you're attempting to emulate the style of Impossible's author. I could try to evaluate this, but I just have no idea what I'm looking at.

Not to say it's bad of course. Just that it would be unfair for me to review it without any knowledge of the work it's based on. I could give a few thoughts of course, but I don't know how appropriate they are given this is a fan work.

I'm sorry there's not much I can do, but I see you're new here, which explains your lack of any other material. So, I'll tell you what. Whenever you write something original, PM me again and let me know, and I'll gladly lend my opinion. Keep in touch, won't you?