Young Writers Society

Hello! Here to critique upon request and desire. ^_^

Quote:
The first thing I noticed was how uncomfortable it was.


Right away, you start with a pronoun. That's not good. I don't know what 'it' is. Maybe you uncomfortable I was? A couple sentences later, you mention his cage, but how can a cage feel uncomfortable? He's laying on the ground, so maybe what he lay on was uncomfortable? Maybe the temperature was uncomfortable?

Quote:
I opened my eyes and realized I was in a cage made of metal in the middle of the forest, but I didn’t know how I got there.


Good description! However, we can make it smoother and easier to read, like so:

I opened my eyes to see metal bars on all sides, huge, leering trees surrounding me. What happened? How did I get here?

Quote:
Then it all came flooding back to me. “Iana!” I shouted. sitting straight up and banging my head against the top of the cage, adding to my discomfort.


The first sentence is clunky. Maybe: Then it came to me. It's easy and simply states the situation. Also, we can include that bolded period and the rest can become a sentence unto its own. I sat straight up and banged my head on the metal bars of the cage above me, adding to my discomfort.

Quote:
I looked around and found I was in the forest surrounding Fox Village,--at least I thinkthought it was.


You changed tense, but I fixed that for you. (I have the same issue all the time. Ask kitty15. ) We also need more than a comma to make the last clause more dramatic--a short pause, like my double hyphen I used just now! ^_^

(Do you have Microsoft Word? The double hyphen becomes one big one on Word. ^_^ )

Quote:
Then I saw that another cage sitting not far from mine.


You can replace the bolded word with other possibilities, of course, like that lay, which lay, etc...

Quote:
It was too dark to see what or who was in the cage, but I softly called out, “Iana, you in there?”


Reverse 'who' and 'what.' It'll run smoother. It was too dark to see who or what was inside that cage, but I had to know who it was. "Iana?" I called quietly.

Quote:
A low groan came from the cage. “Perosk, that you?” asked Iana to my relief. “How did we get here? I remember someone walkin’ behind you, then nothin’.”


Her first quote, "Perosk, that you?" is missed a verb. Now, when people say this, they usually slur their words so no one notices the word 'is' is there. Let's display this by doing something like so: Perosk, s'that you?"[i] or [i]"Perosk, 's that you?" Both quotes provide the same sound. Just include that 's' in there.

Also, she was quick to trusting that was Perosk. Didn't they just meet a few hours ago, more or less? Have Perosk answer her when she asks if it was him. After she's sure it's Perosk, then she can show her fear by asking all sorts of questions.

"Perosk, is that you?" Iana managed to ask a bit loudly, making Perosk nervous.

"Shh, there could be someone out there," Perosk replied in a whisper, then answered her question. "It's me, Iana."

The shadowed figure rose slightly off the ground, leaning on her elbows. Her head turned from left to right, examining her surroundings. "Where are we?" she asked quietly. She sat up and turned to face Perosk's cage. "How'd we get here? All I remember is someone walking up to you, then everything went black."

It's just an example of what I'm trying to explain. Please change it around to fit your style of writing. I don't want to rewrite the whole thing so I get the credit. It's your work, so change my example in whatever way you wish. ^_^

Quote:
“We were attacked by humans. They snuck up on us and hit us over the head, I guess.”


Put the 'I guess' near the beginning of his quote, so we know he's guessing. I would suggest him scratching his head, thinking of what might have happened, and he'd accidentally scratch his bruise, just to throw in a little character. ^_^

Quote:
I whipped around to see a group of three humans walking toward us in deep conversation.


You gave us two amounts: group and three. You can say a "trio of humans walking toward us" or "a small group of humans walking toward us" or "three humans walking toward us."

Quote:
“What do we do with these creatures?” one of the humans asked. “They are too savage to be put in people’s households as pets.”


Nothing wrong with the quote. ^_^ It's just here to mark my next comment. Now you're introducing the humans. We can't really see their appearance, I assume, but you could probably share their body forms and the sound of their voices. Is one of them big and burly? Short and stocky? Tall and gangly? Does one have a rough voice? A deep bass voice? A high tenor? (musical terms are not always used for music ^_^). Maybe one of them has a cold? Lol, I don't know, but you can sure do a lot by describing their shadows and voices.

Oh, and the second sentence can be redone a tad (I lied, sorry! ^^). "They are too savage to be kept as household pets. 'People's' is too awkward.

You do a good job with your quotation stops and tags, though. ^_^

Quote:
The first two humans continued walkingwalked towards a camp, one that I hadn’t noticed before, and sat down.


Quote:
The third human that stayed behind and stared at me and Iana with, what I thought, sympathy.


So we can see their faces? Hmm...I wonder what they look like.

Quote:
He walked right over to us, and sat on his haunches, and stared directly into my eyes. He stoodsat there for a long time, just staring at me,. tThen he finally said, “Can you talk?”


That's an odd question. o_O

Quote:
“Then my father must’ve been right,” he said to himself.


Ah, you answered my questions! Very good job here, too. ^_^

Quote:
“Reok,” one of the Humans by the camp called,. “yYou’re talking to creatures...


Change the tag. ..."one of the humans [is there a reason it was capitalized? If so, we better go capitalize the ones from before this point] called from the camp.

Quote:
These are locks don’t look all that secure, I think I can get them open with my claw.”


Don't tell us how she can do it. Let us observe it. Stop the quote after she says the locks aren't secure, then have Perosk watch her, impressed with her talents.

Quote:
Then I heard a faint scratch of metal coming from Iana’s cage, then a faint click.


Quote:
I looked over to the men. and saw themThey were still in deep conversation,. Then I looked back at Iana as she slowly opened the cage as quietly as she could. It was almost open to where she could get out. ThenSuddenly a loud screech of metal tore through the night.


You use the word 'then' a lot, which is really distracting. Keep that in mind. There are other ways to hold suspense or continue the story.

Quote:
The men turned around and stared at us, dumbstruck. Then first one jumped up and sounded the alarm. yelled,” They’re escaping!” He ran toward us as he pulled a knife from his belt, but he didn’t get far tillwhen a gunshot went off and he fell to the ground a few feet from the cage. Behind him stood the Human who talkedhad spoked to usearlier.


Who's cage did he fall in front of? Also, the word 'till' is not what you think it is. Till is plow or turnover. What you wanted was: 'til, short for 'until'. However, it doesn't fit anyway. 'When' works better. But, for future reference, it's " 'til ."

Quote:
“Reok,” the other Human yelled, “what you do that for!”


Again, I'd make these two separate sentences. "Reok! What you do that for?" Secondly, the question, again, has those slurred words. It's really: "What did you do that for?" You want it slurred here, so show it. It's difficult for people to show it, but that's what I'm here for. ^_^ Two options:

1. "Whatcha do that for?"

2. "Wha'd you do that for?" (preferred)

3. "Wha'd'you do that for?"/"Wha'd d'you do that for?"

Whichever you're going for, and feel free to make adjustments to whatever sound you want.

Quote:
“Reok,” the other Human yelled, “what you do that for!”


Did he shoot the man? (He did, I know. ^_^) You better show us that he's holding up the gun that shot the man.

Quote:
“You choose to kill your fellow man because of these creatures?!” the other Human, Lojin, yelled in surprise.


Quote:
“You let your father get to you.”


If the same man from the previous quote said this, you better put a tag on it. ..." the man continued with disgust/disbelief.

Quote:
They are only mindless animals.”


I'd change 'animals' to 'beats' for more effect. It'll bring us back to what Perosk said earlier.

Quote:
I glanced at Iana. and she hurried out and unlocked my cage within a few seconds.


Add a sentence after this for more effect on the next sentence like...i dunno...: However, I couldn't leave just yet. The job wasn't finished.

Quote:
“Shoot me,” Reok said without looking up at me,. “I got nothing left to live for. If I go home, I’ll be killed just the same.”


Put somewhere how he must have heard Perosk pick up the revolver/rifle (I don't know what gun it is).

Quote:
Part of me wanted to shoot this human and get revenge, andbut the other part said I should drop it and run.


Quote:
Iana’s black-furred hand appeared aton the end of the barrelbutt of the gun. and sShe looked me right into my the eyes. “Don’t do it, Perosk,. wWe owe him our lives.” I hesitated before lowering lowered the gun from Reok’s headto my side and stared at him intently. He was still crying, but I felt no need to comfort him.


Quote:
...but Iana stayed firmly planted behind me. “Come on,” I said fiercely, this time more urgently.


...but Iana was planted firmly to the ground, her arms crossed across her chest. The last part of my sentence is a possibility, but you don't have to use it.

Quote:
“Perosk, we can’t leave him here,” Iana said kneeling down next to Reok trying to comfort him. She put her arm around his neck shoulders and whispered something I couldn’t hear in his ear. He looked up and stared at her, then he nodded reluctantly. “He’s comin’ with us.,” she added.


Quote:
“No!” I shouted. “He’s a Human, and, if you haven’t noticed, it’s ‘cause of them we’re in the this predicament.”
“But it ain’t his fault, Perosk.” She stood up and walked right up to me. Only a couple inches separated our faces. and got in my face.


Instead of shouting, maybe he should 'say it quickly.'

Quote:
I had to watch my parents get killed for Human entertainment!


Quote:
I managed to escape and find the Wolf Village who that brought welcomed me home.”


Quote:
” I stared right into my her eyes, hoping my anger would burn her. But what I saw was surprise and sorrow. “That’s my problem with them,” I said quietly and walked off toward the direction I was sure the village was located.


Quote:
“I’m sorry, Perosk, but he is comin’ with is.”


Use a contraction in the underlined part. He's...

Quote:
I turned around without a word and followed in after Iana.


Quote:
Then I finally started noticing the noticed signs that told me the village was close by.


What kind of signs? Were there scratches on the trees? Was there a strangely-shaped boulder? A bush that looked like a certain animal or form? Were the trees similar? Were the trees dead and bare?
Quote:

I first saw that watched the ground slowly turned from grass to a well trodden on path. Then the I also spotted saw the boulder that pointed towards the village.


Oh! Those signs! Put this in the same paragraph as the previous sentence since both sentences talk about the same thing: the signs. Again, you fall in the Then Trap. 'Then' is a bad word to use. What shape is the boulder? Triangular? How is it pointing to the village? =/

Quote:
“We’re almost there,” I called back and ran forward. I stopped instantly as I exited the forest and walked into the village. What I stared at was horrible: the Fox Village was destroyed.


I didn't know he jumped to the front of their small group. Mention that. Also, you can make the ending more dramatic than it is now. I mean, the village was destroyed! How is Perosk feeling? Is his heart beating at rapid speed? Did tears come to his eyes? Iana's eyes?

I came to an abrupt halt. My heart seemed to have stopped; I couldn't breathe. The temperature seemed to have dropped thirty degrees. I couldn't believe what I saw.

The Fox Village was destroyed.

Overall, very good. ^_^ I like the plot, as usual. It's a matter of telling the reader the story and lots of description to help the reader picture what's happening. A lot more people are visual learners, so we must be visual.

Five sense: smell, touch, taste, sight, and sound. Use them all to tell your story and draw the reader. The girl's soft brown hair smelled of sweet lavender. The man cackled with laughter, sending chills down my spine. He pulled the trigger, sending his target face-down in the dirt; my ears beat painfully from the loud bang the revolver made. See what you can do? You can do anything! It's a matter of description and grammar. Get one down, and you can work on the other. ^_^

Anyway, I like your story. We starting to introduce our characters, but we can do a lot better. Is Perosk stubborn? Is Iana caring? And what does Reok look like? I see he plays a bigger role than the other men. At least describe him, if not the other men. Is Iana shy? If so, maybe she should hesitate before running to help Reok. If you need help with your characters, PM me. I'd be happy to help you out.

Keep writing. I'll be happy to read more. ^_^

Jabber, the One and Only!

All right, here's my promised review. It's REALLY long - don't say I didn't warn you! (You DID ask!)

First is your piece, which have some highlighted areas with numbers next to them. These number correspond with the 'Highlighted Comments' below. The parts in red are grammar/spelling mistakes. (Let me know if you can't read any of it. It can be difficult to see at times.)

(Feel free to ignore anything I say. It's not like I'm a published author or anything; these are just my opinions. ;P)

Also, it goes one and two down the first column, three and four down the second. (Trying to save space. )




Highlighted Comments:

1. Personally, I didn’t like this. It didn’t seem to tie in to the dialogue. It’s pretty much just telling us what is happening, which is boring for action. Personally, I’d start even earlier than this. I’d show them shaking the cans, laughing with each other, and then freezing when they hear the shop owner behind them. Right now I’m just being shown a chase scene with some guy I don’t know, and therefore don’t care about. Give us some time to get to know him so we actually fear for him here.
2. Again, if you start earlier this will work better. I didn’t even know they were on the ground, and know they’re jumping up? Introduce us to the scene before this, please.
3. Show us this, don’t just tell us. What are they screaming?
4. Tibby’s what? Suggestion: ‘Tibby’s parents were the only ones who wouldn’t…’
5. I think it looks better capitalized, and you need the ‘ and ’.
6. I’d leave this out. Too much information, and it kind of makes the place seem less dangerous. I laughed when I read the name.
7. Teenage years, not teenagehood. (Teenagehood is not a word.) (Well, I guess you could do teenage hood, but I’ve never heard anyone use that phrase.)
8. Keep the same vocabulary. This is a lot less formal than the rest of the piece.
9. This one’s for the entire italicized part: What was this for? It was just a major flash back, and in the middle of action! We SHOULD still be caught up in the action; don’t take us out of it like this. I’d ditch this whole section. You can slip in why they’re there later on, but we don’t need to know her whole life story.
10. Who’s?
11. Suggestion: ‘…on a mission.’ This is just…wordy.
12. Again, keep your vocabulary consistent. This is much more mature than the rest of the piece, and it sticks out oddly.
13. How do you ‘bolt your lungs out?’ I know what you were going for, but you missed your mark. Try again.
14. I’m not that fond of this, but I guess it works well. (It shows his lack of respect for her.) THIS is where you can use this word; not in the narrative.
15. Suggestion. (It was getting rambly, so I broke it up.)
16. How did his jeans stay unharmed, yet his skin UNDERNEATH got shredded?
17. This should end here.
18. I’d expand this a bit. Maybe ‘She stepped inside, holding the door open behind her for her fellow Freedom Fighters.’
19. Don’t run-on. This could easily be separated as ‘She had noticed the paint stains on their hands and clothes, their messy hair, and Jodie’s somewhat shocked appearance the moment she looked at them. She mentally praised them for their efforts, knowing that she shouldn’t be supportive.’ Then it would tie in nicely with the next sentence, and not be as confusing. (I had to reread it to fix it up.)
20. Suggestion to prevent a run-on.
21. If you do keep it, put commas around her name. This is clear on its own, though, so I’d delete ‘Tibby’s mom.’
22. I know what you mean, but it’s a little confusing.
23. Show us this.
24. She seemed to be a little more secretive about how proud she was before. Maybe make this more subtle?
25. Pick one: Jody or Jodi. You’ve used both. (Mainly Jodi, though.)
26. Much better word.
27. I tried splitting up some run-ons here.
28. Show this a bit more.
29. Just to clear it up a bit.
30. I think you should ditch this part, and say that he let out a laugh before the dialogue. I was confused as to who was talking, so it lost it’s humor.
31. Maybe expand a bit; show her confused as to what it did to help save animals? Why would anyone listen to someone destroying their property?
32. Random much?
33. Who’s talking?
34. Maybe remind us of this more? I kind of forgot it was there.
35. Huh? This isn’t needed, and is confusing until you read the next paragraph.
36. Why the sudden chance of heart?

Specific Comments:

Warning: I have WAY too much fun coming up with the underlined titles. ;P

Anything But SAID!

This is a fear many new writers have: overusing the word ‘said.’ It IS a good word, and you should use it more often. You’re constantly reminding the reader that they’re READING by saying things like ‘she yelled loudly,’ or ‘he commented dryly.’ Especially in action, said is wonderful. The eyes skim over the word, and you don’t get sidetracked. Of course, never write:

“Hi,” he said.

“Hello!” she said.

“What’s your name?” he said.

And so on and so on. It gets annoying after a while. Once you establish who’s talking, you don’t need it anymore. A trick you already know is replacing ‘said’ with action; that works well. Just read through it, and when possible, put ‘said.’

(Oh, and ‘ly’ adjectives following said, like ‘he said softly,’ are usually discouraged.)

They Shall Never Speak…

This is an easy one to fix: using quotations. You never did! When someone speaks, you use “ and ”, not ‘ and ’.

Big Blocks: Scary!

Make sure your spacing is correct; you combined some paragraphs, and that makes readers not want to read this.

Time For History Class!

Here’s a golden rule for you: NEVER interrupt action to give us a history lesson. (You did this in the italicized part.) You can slip this information in later. Keep us hooked, on the edge of our seats. (There’s a reason many people sleep through history class.)

Grab Me And Run?

In many cases, picking up a story in the middle of an action scene is good. However, here it’s confusing (and your only action, so there’s nothing leading up to it.) I think you should give us a feeling of foreboding first. Start with them glancing over their shoulders, their hands shaking on the cold cans. The owner can shout, and then this can start.

Short and Choppy = Gooooood

With action scenes, you want very few commas. Keep us hyped up; don’t drag something out forever. Also, you had many run-ons. I tried to help you out there, but reread this out loud. What do you run out of breath saying? Those can probably be split up.

Zoom In

To be a writer, you must also be a filmmaker. You need to bring us as close to the action as possible. You wouldn’t pay ten bucks to watch a movie where the characters were dots, right? You’d want to be able to see the actors sweat, the gleam of their swords.

Same here. What’s happening around them? Are their hearts beating quickly? Is the ground hard beneath their feet? Is the alley dark, and are there others on the street?

Time To Play Favorites

You need to be in first person without writing in first person. (Don’t worry, I’ll explain. ;P) For the most part, you jumped around on the perceptive. Whose eyes are we supposed to see this through? I’d assume Jodi’s. You completely ignore her in the first few paragraphs. First we see what Johnny sees, then what Mark sees. Finally we see Jodi.

Pretty much center your writing around Jodi. The others will still do the same thing, but write how it’s affecting her, not them. (If this doesn’t make sense, PM me and I’ll explain a bit more.)

WHO ARE YOU???

Again, I think we need the beginning I suggested to become aquatinted with these characters. I kept switching up their names, and I continuously had to scroll up to figure out what name to use for this review. Define them more.

Show and Tell Time!

I think this is the most common comment readers will make to a writer. You need to SHOW us what’s going around. Don’t say ‘it was noon.’ Say ‘the sun beat down on them, directly above their heads.’ (There are a million articles on this tucked into YWS; I can dig some up for you if you’d like.)

Romeo, Romeo, Where Art Thou Romeo?

You need to define the place a bit more. Right now, they’re drifting in space, especially in Tibby’s house. Don’t tell us everything down to the curtains, but tell us some details. Does Tibby casually throw her bag onto the orange couch? Do the voices seem to echo under the high ceilings? (Try to incorporate action into your descriptions.)

Friends, Foes, and Frogs

Eh, the frogs part was just for fun. ;P

These characters already have a life before we meet them. They have relationships with one another. This, unfortunately, doesn’t show in your writing.

These characters need to interact more. Who’s the leader? Who’s the follower? Who is timid, and who will swear like a pirate only to be yelled at by the goody-two-shoes? Do two flirt innocently with each other? Do any of them have a love/hate relationship?

You MUST Do As I Say…

(Deux ex machina?) You kind of force them to change a bit to fit your needs. Why should the group you classified as a ‘gang’ be so supportive? Why did Jodi change her mind so suddenly? You need to expand on these characters, and let their reactions become more natural. Mark can’t swear because you told him to; he has to swear because he’s Mark.

Melding Together Until They’re One

Again on the characters. They’re a little bland, to be honest. They all seem the same. What gives them definitions? Do certain ones always say ‘well?’ Does another hum when under pressure? Does one swear like a pirate? Does one always add terms of endearment to the end of a sentence? Give these characters more life; they’re too similar, and who’s who is very confusing as a result.

Overall Comment:

This is the area I become nice, and make you believe in yourself again. ;P

This is a wonderful idea; it is possible to stand on it’s own, or you could develop a whole story off of it. You could show us the dangers of joining, the different people she meets, the cruelties she stops. She could even catch someone eating meat! Oh, do I smell plot twists? ;P

I love Tibby’s mom so much! And I think the main character is very believable, although slightly contradictory in places (how she switches her mind so easily.) She wants to stop abuse, but she’s worried about her morals. She’s very easy to relate to.

Overall, this really was a good job. PM me if you have ANY questions on this, or if you’d like me to review anything else you write! (Although I kind of doubt you will after reading this. ;P)

Happy editing!

~JFW1415

Don't get me wrong, the story was good, but it needs a lot of work.

You need to keep a firm grasp on past and present tense, even one mistake can make a good piece sound bad.

This is what I usually do but I'll explain:
When I say "Try:", try is just me taking your story and rewriting it in a way I would if it were my own piece. I don't expect you to use them, and I don't want you to use them because then it's just my words and you're not learning anything


Quote:
She has to give it to someone because the is no mice

She HAD to give it to someone because there ARE no mice

Quote:
This has never happened before

This HAD never happened before

You had a lot of small sentences which could have been made longer and more flowing, so they don't sound like a grocery list when you read them. Most were in the first few paragraphs.

The grammar problems were plentiful.
Quote:
said Kathy on her always worrying voice

said Kathy in her always worrying voice

Quote:
...Eric 5, Justin 7

Never describe peoples' ages with number in literature, but this whole sentence needs to be redone. Try something like: "her five year old Eric and seven year old Justin."

Quote:

was living a messy, or, as Victoria used to say, disgusting life


Try: "was living a messy or, as Victoria used to say, disgusting life" (too many commas)

Quote:
and it was just a matter of time, when they became slackers, like their mother.

Try: "it was just a matter of time before, like their mothers, they became slackers." (keep commas, move stuff)
or - "it was just a matter of time before they became slackers like their mother." (get rid of commas)

Quote:
As she became older and older, she began to praise God- afraid of death, most elderly people do so, although, she had lost her faith for a long time, but now, she's with God, she thought. She was 75.

Run on sentence. Split it into two or more.

Quote:
She grabbed a ladder, and began climbing. --She felt her left knee starting to hurt,-- but she continued climbing.


Try: "Her left knee was starting to hurt", (Avoids using "SHE" too much and makes it flow more naturally

Quote:
"Come here, you stupid animal!" she said with her shacking voice.

"shaking" voice misspelled

Quote:
But in an instant, she felt the pain in her knee ubearable as..

Try: "But in an instant, the pain in her knee became unbearable AND.." (again, just sounds more natural)

Quote:
Then, she heard the cat meowing above her head; as it jumped on the ladder, to land beside her owner safely, the ladder started sliding down, heading directly towards Victoria's head. THen it all went black.

This is a run on sentence and needs a bit of cleaning up.
Try : "She could hear the cat, meowing above her head as it jumped onto the ladder and to the ground beside her owner. The ladder started sliding down, directly at Victoria's head. Then everythig went black."
Saying "It all went black" is bad because you never really said what "it all" is. YOu could be talking about the furniture, the walls, anything strange like that.

Quote:
She saw a distant light approaching, like if it was bringing warmth to a body that didn't exist.

"Like if it" isn't english, try to kick the habit of using it in your writing. Also, you should make sure the reader knows that you're talking about Victoria's body, not just a "body".
Try: "She saw a light in the distance, approaching, bringing warmth to a body she could no longer see or feel."

Quote:
and the light, like if it was trying to break an icy surface covering her.

Again, like if it.
Try: "... and the light, seemingly trying to break the icy surface she felt around herself."

Quote:
A picture appeared in the distance. As it grew bigger, Victoria saw her mother, as she was speaking to her baby self; than other pictures were beginning to follow, like a slide show, one by one, each from Victoria's life, appearing just for a moment, connected to each other in a way she never thought of before. Then she saw the ladder falling, and the last picture vanished. What will be next? she thought.

Do you mean a picture, like in a frame, on the wall? "Than" should be "then". You have a big run on sentence "As it grew.......of before", try making it cleaner, go easy on the commas. Avoid using question marks in paragraphs.
Try:"An image appeared in the distance. As it grew closer, Victoria could make out that it was her mother, she appeared to be speaking to Victoria's infant self. Other pictures followed, like a slide show, each frame a scene from Victoria's life. Appearing for nothing more than a moment, the scenes were connected in ways she had not had a chance to notice until now. The last frame portrayed the ladder from moments before, it then followed suit and vanished, leaving her wondering what would come next."
I still ended with her asking the question, but didn't have to use a question mark, see?

Quote:
A small figure appeared in the distance. It approached her, like a harmless child, it smiled nicely, though it was something in that smile, something weird... Victoria couldn't tell, but she began to feel uncomfortable, and she noticed the light going out from its place, leaving her with this figure.

Another run on sentence, too many commas "IT approached...weird" Also some grammer problems with "and she noticed the light going out from its place".
Try:"A small figure appeared in the distance. It approached her like a harmless child. It smiled nicely, though there was something in the smile, something weird. Victoria couldn't discern exactly what it was, but began to feel very uncomfortable. She noticed the light fading into the distance, leaving her alone with the apparition. "

Quote:

"No!" she screamed. "I don't want to be left here! I don't know him!"

Doesn't sound like something an "everyday person" would say, maybe I'm wrong depending on where you live.
Try:""No!" She screamed, "Don't leave me here, I don't know him!"

Quote:
Suddenly she had a body. A free and fresh body, without any pain in any part.

Try: "Victoria looked down, she had a body again. A fresh body, with no pain, no age."
Why: Just sounds less awkward TO ME.
Quote:



Quote:
"Please release me" she said in a calm voice. But the figure kept smiling, and the light was almost completely gone by now.

You confused me here. Why a calm voice, isn't she scared? If I'm missing something, please clear it up. The "and" in the last sentence is also unnecessary, "By now" too.
Try:" "Please don't touch me" she said in a shaky voice. But the figure kept smiling, the light was almost completely gone."

Quote:
"I said release me!" she screamed in horror, as the light disappeared. She was surrounded by darkness. The figure has transformed into a red creature, ugly, without a face, it grabbed Victoria hard, as she was screaming in pain, the demon was laughing; then other creatures started to come out of nowhere, all of them laughing at Victoria touching her with their wet body parts, as she was struggling in vain; and she was on fire, everything was...

Again, this doesn't sound like something someone would say naturally, I could be wrong again.
Also, I feel this is very important. This is a very vivid scene in this work, you should have taken more time to draw a picture with this. Don't rush things or they will end up BAD. Yes, I'm saying the last few paragraphs of your story are BAD, but only because I wish you'd written more.

This is my take on the last few lines of the story, it's much longer, as you can see.

Quote:
"I said let go!" She screamed, horrified as the light disappeared, leaving her in darkness. The figure laughed at Victoria as it changed shape, the innocent smile of the boy's face melted into flesh, his eyes and nose lost all definition. His skin began to sweat, dripping a vile liquid from every pore as it darkened to a deep red pigment. His limbs became long and stringy, his flesh cracked and ugly. As Victoria watched in horror, the boy's height equalled and surpassed hers. He took the form of a demon.

The demon's grip remained on her arm, though tighter now, she began to scream in pain. THe demon's laughter spread into the darkness as other creatures lurked out of the darkness, touching her with their dripping fingers, licking her with their disgusting black tongues. She struggled to escape his grip in vain, as fire crept up from the floor.

The room filled with fire, in every direction Victoria saw nothing but flames and smoke and demons, until she was forced to close her eyes as a deafening scream filled the darkness, louder than the demons, louder than the fire, louder than her own cries of pain.

She felt the demon's grip loosen, the other creatures step away, and the heat of the fire die down suddently. When she opened her eyes, she saw whiteness. It was the roof of a hospital, Kathy sat crying silently on a chair nearby.

"Mother? Oh Mother!" She screamed, seeing Victoria's eyes open for the first time in over two days. "I thought, I thought..."

Victoria sat motionless, confused, scared. "Me too."

Kathy ran to her mother, wrapping her arms around her gently. They held each other, crying in indescribable relief.


The last part could also have been spread out a bit. Explain in more detail about how she got her life back on track, maybe talk about the everyday things she was starting to do, describe how she interacts with her family, friends, and pets. The way you left it is like taking a movie, having the big action scene with the car chase, helicopter chase, bomb disarming, parachute drop and dinosaur ride and then cutting to black with the words "and they lived happily every after". It leaves you with an empty feeling.

Take another shot at this. It was a good story, but it needs work. I really hope you rehash it because I'd like to see what you could make out of this.