Young Writers Society

Welcome to the Discussion Thread!

To start us off: Does anyone have any reviews they think belong in the Star Reviews thread or have any questions?

This felt so very unused and it looked sad and lonely so I have a nomination.


Metaphor. The pouring metaphor was interesting, but it's butter spread over too much bread, if you get my drift...it's not enough for this poem. I'd feel a lot better about it if you included it more subtly. Rather than centering the whole poem on that, bring it up once or twice rather than reiterating it the whole poem.

Rhyme and Rhythm. It seems too childish for me. I'm all for including rhyme in your piece, but it sticks out too much. Instead of having clauses end with the rhyming words, incorporate them more into your sentences so there's less emphasis on them. Try to remove the Dr. Seuss-ish feel from your work.
Quote:
INto your PIT. Your BOTtomless WELL.
And I'M getting LOST,
And YOU can't TELL.
See, this feels sort of nursery-rhyme-esque, almost like you could do a little dance to it. The rhythm is very basic...see how I've capped all the emphasized syllables? We probably wouldn't read all of those words the way I've emphasized them, but when you write in that fashion, we change our manner of speaking to fit that nursery-rhyme feel. Preserve the natural pronunciation of words!
Quote:
Over you and over eyes,
and over falls
I'm over lies.
This is a much better part because you DID preserve it. The words don't fall into a different pattern because of the way they're written. Here, the rhythm is catchy and strong--almost like a performance poem. Much better.

Diction. 'Tis flat and boring here. It's all pouring and dripping and the words don't really say anything new, know what I mean? Try to use words in a way you've never seen them used before...incorporate a verb not usually associated with this kind of imagery in a creative way that might suggest something about the speaker's perception of the event that triggered these feelings.
Quote:
One day I'll slipslipslip you into the sun
This is interesting...I like the repetition of the "s" sound and the way you combined "slipslipslip." Neat visual as well as auditory effect, but you can still do more with that sort of style! Don't limit yourself to an obvious one like "slip".

Keep working!
-Colleen
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...I know this is a critique from my own work, but I loved it! So, if a poetry moderator could please put this into the Star Reviews I'd be very happy, haha.

Hey Colleen, this was really helpful. Thanks for posting!