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A Port In The Caribbean



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Sat Mar 11, 2006 6:13 pm
Firestarter says...



Comments welcome. This is not the full Chapter 1, just the first part of it. I'll post some more when I write some more. (this isn't in Historical Fiction cos then it doesn't appear on the front page, and I want some exposure)

Chapter 1


Robert hurried along the snow-covered, cobbled street. The cold air made him shiver. He pulled his muffler scarf tighter about his neck. At this time in the evening, the town was mostly empty: a few others traversed the wintered ground, and the continuous heavy snowfall that clouded the dark air, but they were rare, and for the most part he travelled alone. But he had no need for company right now.

Robert was eager to get back to his lodging and before a fire that would warm his frostbitten skin. The weather just mimicked to the coldness of his emotions, the deadness of his soul. The emptiness. It had been five months since the accident and he still hadn’t forgiven himself.

A sudden wind sharpened the edge of the storm, and it threw a blizzard into Robert’s face. He turned his face to the side to take away the worst, and stumbled onwards. His coat caught the air like a sail and he found it hard to make fast progress. Like a ship caught dead in the water. Robert didn’t smile at the analogy that formed in his mind. He had found that his life had been inextricably linked with the ways of the seas since his childhood, when his father has been a Captain in the Royal Navy.

The future seemed a bleak place to walk into, just like the rest of the street that was masked in darkness and swirling snow particles. There was no favourable wind, nor the superstitious luck every sailor wished for. It was either the storm or the just as terrifying calm, where there was no one there for him. There’s nobody here for me now.

Barely an hour had passed since he had stood in the graveyard, below the leafless trees, among the small congregation of mourners, and watched Kate’s body buried solemnly in the earth prepared for her.

He hadn’t wept. He just watched her lifeless corpse, wishing the blood still flowed. Imagining that her eyes still moved in that sparkling way, hoping her hand would be imbued once more with that soft touch and it would find his, like it did all those wonderful times. They were almost lost in his memory now; they seemed like from a different world. A different person.

The vicar, who had known her, said Catherine was a beautiful creation that would be missed by all. It was impossible, thought Robert, to describe what she was in words. Only those who had seen her smile even when everything fell apart could possibly comprehend how special she truly was. He still hadn’t wept then. It didn’t seem real. Robert felt like a man out of place, at the wrong funeral perhaps, like all the proceedings were a horrible fantasy that he was being forced to watch. Maybe the truth just hadn’t hit home. What was it his father used to say? Some fools don’t know what they’ve lost until they need to use it.

He shivered again, wrapping his arms around his body in a futile attempt to warm them. It had been five months since she had died and he still expected her to be there when he got home, looking at him with those eyes that never ceased. He needed her now. There was emptiness inside him that nothing could fill, a gap that could not be bridged, and a sea that could not be crossed.

The sea. Stubborn and unchanging. Always a constant enemy to every man that had sailed its treacherous waves and passed its incessant challenges. But this time he could not blame the sea. This time he could only blame himself: he wanted her to come even when she refused. He had pushed too hard and she had fallen.

The wind increased, and his muffler unravelled itself and flew from his neck, leaving it unprotected. Robert grasped at thin air while trying to stop it flying it off, but it was pointless. The garment disappeared into the night. Another casualty. His expression turned glummer as his body felt colder, and he began to shiver continuously.

His mind turned once more to the funeral. He hadn’t even wept, when, after she was buried and the earth filled, the Vicar read a passage from the Bible and almost every other person there broke down in tears. Only when everybody had left, and the Vicar whispered his condolences to Robert, and left him alone, with just the gravestone and the deserted cemetery for company did tears fall down his own cheeks. Only when there were no one to watch, no one to judge, would he show just how broken his spirit was.

Just like they taught a King’s officer to act. Even when the bullets were flying, and the cannons firing, and the smoke rising, you were taught to act like nothing was wrong. Even when a man was cut brutally apart in front of you, blood and guts and all spilt half over you and half over the deck, you must show nonchalance. His love had been cut brutally apart from him, and his tears had wetted the grass.

He turned left when he reached the end of the street, across from the baker’s, and made his way down toward the seafront where his lodging was aft of the harbour. The wind had stayed a little, lulled, and he quickened his pace to take advantage.

The invasive but familiar smell of salty sea air, always present in Truro, increased. He could hear the splashes of the waves despite not being able to see them this late at night. But though he couldn’t see the vast body of water that stretched far to the very edge of the horizon, he knew it would be there, just like it always had been. And probably always would be. A fear gripped at the base of his throat and he had to physically swallow to calm himself. The worst enemy is the one you can’t see, not the one that shows you everything. The message his father had beaten into him from as young as he can remember. And the invisible enemy had taken the love of his life from him barely five months ago, on a night similar to this one, albeit it warmer, where the darkness meant the sea and the sky were blended.

And she had fallen overboard.

He had screamed and shouted until his voice was hoarse, but there were no replies. He had thrown himself into the water and swam until his skin was blue and his muscles torn. He had wept until his eyes hurt too much. But she had gone.

In the morning they had found her body, bloodied and shredded amongst the rocks, floating on the tide.

Robert took one last look in the direction of the sea, and turned toward his lodging, a small house wedged between others that were of similar appearance. He knew his landlady, Mrs.Donovan, would be there, to offer a hot drink or something comforting.

But Kate wouldn’t be. And that was why he finally wept again, as he stood on the doorstep with the snow catching in his ruffled hair. Alone.
Nate wrote:And if YWS ever does become a company, Jack will be the President of European Operations. In fact, I'm just going to call him that anyways.





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Sat Mar 11, 2006 6:48 pm
-KayJuran- says...



Funny thing, but I'm not sure I've ever read any of your stories before.. All in all, I thought this was well-written, but I've been good and found things to comment on, which I *really* hope are useful, and help you with writing it. Here goes...



Robert hurried along the snow-covered, cobbled street. The cold air made him shiver. He pulled his muffler scarf tighter about his neck.


^ I feel like the last two of these sentences could work better with a conjunctive between them. Take away the full stop and put 'and' inbetween maybe(?) Of course, you don't have to. I just think it'd work better like that. :?

his emotions, the deadness of his soul. The emptiness.


^ I like this bit a lot. I guess I'm a sucker for this type of writing.. :P

threw a blizzard into Robert’s face


^ Still works either way, but maybe you could change it to: 'a small blizzard'. Otherwise it almost seems too exaggerated.

Like a ship caught dead in the water.


^ I've always thought you can learn a lotabout the character by the odd personal thought thrown in, and this says a lot. You can tell that Robert's linked to the sea in some way, even before you read on to the next sentence.

Barely an hour had passed since he had stood in the graveyard, below the leafless trees, among the small congregation of mourners, and watched Kate’s body buried solemnly in the earth prepared for her.


^ Hang on a sec. Didn't you say the accident was five months ago? Have they taken five months to bury her, or is this a different accident that you're talking about..?

in a futile attempt to warm them


^ Just had to say that I love the word futile. :P

and his tears had wetted the grass.


^ Can you say 'wetted'? Just 'cause if you can, I never knew that...

always present in Truro


^ Is Truro a real place, or did you make it up? I'm going to assume this is an actual place as you've already classed your story as 'historical', and it seems fairly realistically written.

, albeit it warmer,


^ I don't think you need the 'it' in the middle of this..(?)

where the darkness meant the sea and the sky were blended.


^ 'blended' is a verb, so I'm pretty sure you can get rid of the 'were'. I can't really explain why, it's just a gut feeling. Sort of thing you're meant to know when you're a language student, so please correct me if I'm wrong! :wink:

And she had fallen overboard.


^ I like how this is in it's own paragraph. It somehow makes it more dramatic.

but there were no replies.


^ I think it'd sound better if you put: 'but there was no reply'. I can't explain this one either, maybe it's 'cause it's harder to have a negative plural, unless there's a good reason.

until his skin was blue and his muscles torn.


^ I *think* you need 'were' between 'muscles' and 'torn'. If it was singular you wouldn't need it, 'cause you can then re-use the 'was' that you've already written. But a plural word requires a different verb part, so I don't think you can do that here...

eyes hurt too much.


^ I don't know... This just sounds wrong. Maybe get rid of the 'too much', or describe how they hurt instead, using a simile or something.



Again, I really hope this helps, and good luck with it! Feel free to pm me when the next parts done and I'll critique that too.

~KayJuran~





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Sat Mar 11, 2006 6:53 pm
Caligula's Launderette says...



Yes Kay, Truro is a real place.

More exposure, agreed.

I just finished reading it once-over, but I've got stuff on the stove, so I'll post my crit later.

First impression at the ending, can I go cry now? Lovely first chapter, Jack.

CL
Fraser: Stop stealing the blanket.
[Diefenbaker whines]
Fraser: You're an Arctic Wolf, for God's sake.
(Due South)

Hatter: Do I need a reason to help a pretty girl in a very wet dress? (Alice)

Got YWS?





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Sun Mar 12, 2006 12:03 am
Firestarter says...



Thanks! And yup, Truro is the capital of Cornwall.

@ KayJ: Thanks for the crit, very very helpful!

I feel like the last two of these sentences could work better with a conjunctive between them. Take away the full stop and put 'and' inbetween maybe(?) Of course, you don't have to. I just think it'd work better like that.


Funny thing is I had them linked with an and originally then I changed it to two sentences. I looked at it again and maybe I should use "so" between them ...

Hang on a sec. Didn't you say the accident was five months ago? Have they taken five months to bury her, or is this a different accident that you're talking about..?


Err, same accident ... I guess funerals cost some and Robert isn't exactly wealthy on a Lieutenant's half-pay! But I guess I could make it a smaller time period, you're probably right. It wouldn't take that long.

@ CL: Thanks! Thanks for reading it over, can't wait for your comments. And it was supposed to be sad, so I'm glad it had that emotional response :)
Nate wrote:And if YWS ever does become a company, Jack will be the President of European Operations. In fact, I'm just going to call him that anyways.





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Sun Mar 12, 2006 1:02 am
Crysi says...



*jumps up and down* You posted! You posted!

And it was even better than I expected it to be. Which is saying a lot, since I know how great your writing is. :D

A few critiques, if I may...

Personally, I like the two sentences KJ pointed out. I think keeping them separate enhances the image.

Robert was eager to get back to his lodging and before a fire that would warm his frostbitten skin. The weather just mimicked to the coldness of his emotions, the deadness of his soul. The emptiness. It had been five months since the accident and he still hadn’t forgiven himself.


When I first read this, I groaned at the thought of another emo phrase. However, I think it's realistic here. The accident crushed his soul. On a side note, I like how you reveal the information of the accident slowly. It creates a lot of suspense.

The future seemed a bleak place to walk into, just like the rest of the street that was masked in darkness and swirling snow particles. There was no favourable wind, nor the superstitious luck every sailor wished for. It was either the storm or the just as terrifying calm, where there was no one there for him. There’s nobody here for me now.


While I like the overall feel of this paragraph, I'm not sure you need the last sentence. I think people can fully understand the metaphor without it.

His mind turned once more to the funeral. He hadn’t even wept, when, after she was buried and the earth filled, the Vicar read a passage from the Bible and almost every other person there broke down in tears. Only when everybody had left, and the Vicar whispered his condolences to Robert, and left him alone, with just the gravestone and the deserted cemetery for company did tears fall down his own cheeks. Only when there were no one to watch, no one to judge, would he show just how broken his spirit was.

Just like they taught a King’s officer to act. Even when the bullets were flying, and the cannons firing, and the smoke rising, you were taught to act like nothing was wrong. Even when a man was cut brutally apart in front of you, blood and guts and all spilt half over you and half over the deck, you must show nonchalance. His love had been cut brutally apart from him, and his tears had wetted the grass.


I think this is my favorite part of the whole piece. It reveals a vital part of his character and is very well-written!

I think I like the rest of it. Your details are amazing and they completely transported me into the world you've created. You repeat the fact that Kate was killed five months ago, and I'm not sure whether you repeat it so often to reinforce his anguish (as you switch between "already been five months" and "only five months") or whether it serves some other purpose. I was going to continue by saying I wasn't sure it was necessary, but after realizing the transition of his thoughts through the remembrance of that fact I really like it.

I can't wait to read more, Jack! This is excellent. Wow. If you finish this (years from now, I'm sure) you could definitely get it published. Heck, I'd be one of the first in line for it. I can't tell you how excited I am about this piece! Very awesome job. :)
Love and Light





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Sun Mar 12, 2006 1:24 am
Firestarter says...



Wow thanks Crys! I reckon you shall be a good source of motivation :P

Seriously, that means a lot to me. Thanks for the crit, too. Lol, your excitement is helping my own! I'm suddenly imbued with more motivation to write more!
Nate wrote:And if YWS ever does become a company, Jack will be the President of European Operations. In fact, I'm just going to call him that anyways.





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Sun Mar 12, 2006 10:38 pm
Meshugenah says...



arg. for the.. at least third time, I shall start this, and most likely post before I'm done, at least at first.. sorry 'bout that, but I don't trust my computer right now. I'm going to put my comments in green, ok? anything else in blue, red, etc. and I'm in a nit-pick mood for work choice.. so heads up, k?



Robert hurried along the snow-covered, cobbled street. The cold air made him shiver. He pulled his muffler scarf tighter about his neck. At this time in the evening, the town was mostly empty: a few others traversed the wintered ground, and the continuous heavy snowfall that clouded the dark air, but they were rare, and for the most part he travelled alone. But he had no need for company right now. I like the fragments to start this. It sets up a tone of almost.. detachment. but it's cool

Robert was eager to get back to his lodging and before a fire that would warm his frostbitten skin. The weather just mimicked to the coldness of his emotions, the deadness of his soul. The emptiness. It had been five months since the accident and he still hadn’t forgiven himself. ACK! bad Jack, bad. Rather cliche, don't you think? frist sentence is fine.. but the rest is just.. yuck. I mean, it does work as you character is a bit angsty thus far.. by design, I know, but I still think you could reword better. I'll leave that to you, and go take my anal-ness elsewhere..

A sudden wind sharpened the edge of the storm, and it threw a blizzard into Robert’s face. please tell me that last part was exaggerated.. a blizzard??He turned his face to the side to take away the worst, and stumbled onwards. His coat caught the air like a sail and he found it hard to make fast progress. Like a ship caught dead in the water. Robert didn’t smile at the analogy um.. "the analogy did little to cheer him"? I just don't like it, can't tell you why.. I agree with Crys, though. it's realistic, just.. over-the-top to methat formed in his mind. He had found that his life had been inextricably linked with the ways of the seas since his childhood, when his father has been a Captain in the Royal Navy.

The future seemed a bleak place to walk into, just like the rest of the street that was masked in darkness and swirling snow particles. There was no favourable wind, nor the superstitious luck every sailor wished for. It was either the storm or the just as terrifying calm, where there was no one there for him. There’s nobody here for me now. agreed, last sentence you can do without

Barely an hour had passed since he had stood in the graveyard, below the leafless trees, among the small congregation of mourners, and watched Kate’s body buried solemnly in the earth prepared for her. I didn't think about this until just now, but what? so he's been in the graveyard for about an hour. and he could she Kate's body? metaphor? clarify, please.. or is this suddenly a bit of a flashback to when she was buried? if so.. maybe a slightly more clear transition?

He hadn’t wept. He just watched her lifeless corpse, wishing the blood still flowed. Imagining that her eyes still moved in that sparkling way, hoping her hand would be imbued once more with that soft touch and it would find his, like it did all those wonderful times. They were almost lost in his memory now; they seemed like from a different world. A different person.

The vicar, who had known her, said Catherine was a beautiful creation that would be missed by all. It was impossible, thought Robert, to describe what she was in words. Only those who had seen her smile even when everything fell apart could possibly comprehend how special she truly was. He still hadn’t wept then. It didn’t seem real. Robert felt like a man out of place, at the wrong funeral perhaps, like all the proceedings were a horrible fantasy that he was being forced to watch. Maybe the truth just hadn’t hit home. What was it his father used to say? Some fools don’t know what they’ve lost until they need to use it. the last line threw me some.. "need to use it"? just wondering, there

He shivered again, wrapping his arms around his body in a futile attempt to warm them. It had been five months since she had died and he still expected her to be there when he got home, looking at him with those eyes that never ceased. He needed her now. There was emptiness inside him that nothing could fill, a gap that could not be bridged, and a sea that could not be crossed. not sure the last sentence is entirely nesecssary.. but I like it, so i'll ignore that little voice in my head for now

The sea. Stubborn and unchanging. Always a constant enemy to every man that had sailed its treacherous waves and passed its incessant challenges. But this time he could not blame the sea. This time he could only blame himself: he wanted her to come even when she refused. He had pushed too hard and she had fallen.

The wind increased, and his muffler unravelled itself and flew from his neck, leaving it unprotected. Robert grasped at thin air while trying to stop it flying it off, but it was pointless. The garment disappeared into the night. Another casualty. His expression turned glummer as his body felt colder, and he began to shiver continuously.

His mind turned once more to the funeral. He hadn’t even wept, when, after she was buried and the earth filled, the Vicar read a passage from the Bible and almost every other person there broke down in tears. Only when everybody had left, and the Vicar whispered his condolences to Robert, and left him alone, with just the gravestone and the deserted cemetery for company did tears fall down his own cheeks. Only when there were no one to watch, no one to judge, would he show just how broken his spirit was. you had me this close to crying until the last line. I would change the last clause.. "would he allow himself to morun." something like that.. anyhoo

Just like they taught a King’s officer to act. Even when the bullets were flying, and the cannons firing, and the smoke rising, you were taught to act like nothing was wrong. Even when a man was cut brutally apart in front of you, blood and guts and all spilt half over you and half over the deck, you must show nonchalance. His love had been cut brutally apart from him, and his tears had wetted the grass. just a thought.. do you really want to use "love" here? and, do you want to use "you"? You revert from third person, to rrather instruction manuel-esque, and back to third. but as I didn't even notice the first time through.. I'll be quiet now

He turned left when he reached the end of the street, across from the baker’s, and made his way down toward the seafront where his lodging was aft of the harbour. The wind had stayed a little, lulled, and he quickened his pace to take advantage.

The invasive but familiar smell of salty sea air, always present in Truro, increased. He could hear the splashes of the waves despite not being able to see them this late at night. But though he couldn’t see the vast body of water that stretched far to the very edge of the horizon, he knew it would be there, just like it always had been. And probably always would be. A fear gripped at the base of his throat and he had to physically swallow to calm himself. The worst enemy is the one youeh.. wh? can't see, the one that shows you everything. The message his father had beaten into him from as young as he can remember. And the invisible enemy had taken the love of his life from him barely five months ago, on a night similar to this one, albeit it [color=green[ix-nay on the "it"[/color]warmer, where the darkness meant the sea and the sky were blended. same for the "were"

And she had fallen overboard.

He had screamed and shouted until his voice was hoarse, but there were no replies. He had thrown himself into the water and swam until his skin was blue and his muscles torn. He had wept until his eyes hurt too much. But she had gone.

In the morning they had found her body, bloodied and shredded amongst the rocks, floating on the tide.

Robert took one last look in the direction of the sea, and turned toward his lodging, a small house wedged between others that were of similar appearance. He knew his landlady, Mrs.Donovan, would be there, to offer a hot drink or something comforting.

But Kate wouldn’t be. And that was why he finally wept again, as he stood on the doorstep with the snow catching in his ruffled hair. Alone.



and, as usual, I WANT MORE! *ahem*, ok.. that's cleared up now. But, honestly? Gods, I love this. And.. I think I'll join CL with a tissure box.
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Sun Mar 12, 2006 10:40 pm
Firestarter says...



Thanks, Mesh. Was just posting some more as I saw your post, lol.

Following directly on is the rest of Chapter 1:

*

The envelope Mrs.Donovan had given him, when he had finally gained the courage to turn the doorknob, still lay on his desk. So was the hot mug of tea, steaming profusely in the cold surroundings. The fire stuttered even as he nudged it with the poker. It was stubborn in the weather and the embers refused to turn into full-fledged flames. The room was barely warmer than outside, where the snowstorm had only thickened and hardened since he had left it.

She had offered company, but he had turned it down. He had wanted to be alone. I’m alone whether I want to be or not. She was a strong woman, who had taken over the business when her husband had died. Robert liked her. To those who didn’t know she was hot-tempered and contemptuous; to those who knew her she was hardened but soft underneath. Usually unwavering with the rent, she had given him extra time after Kate’s death. Only those who have felt it too can truly understand. He had learnt then she was fair: strong, but fair. He sighed and looked again at the desk.

The envelope was from the Admiralty. Robert had been on half-pay for a year, when his former ship Inflexible was decommissioned. Now, over six months after Britain had joined the First Coalition, six months of surviving on low income and a bored soul, would Robert been given a ship at last. He had served briefly on a sloop that patrolled the south coast, but he had been deemed surplus to requirements and put in reserve again. A similar story for the thousands of Lieutenants in His Britannic Majesty’s Navy.

But he didn’t open the letter. The letter opener lay the distance of his arm from his grasp, but he made no effort. Robert knew that after he cut through the paper, and read the orders from the Admiralty he would have to sail on the sea again; the sea that had taken Kate from him. And would have to watch others be taken yet. But at the same time he knew there would be a new place for him, where he belonged. The sea was both his nemesis and his ally.

There was a single, solid knock on the door.

“Who is it?” Robert stuttered, his voice cracked because of his surprise, and his sadness.

“Jus’ me, Mr.Shaw,” answered a female, drawling in a deep accent. “Food is bein’ served right about now and I was hopin’ you’d come down and that.”

A pause, and a silence. Cut apart by the howling of the wind, and the battering of the icy snow on the window. Robert almost smiled. He suddenly realised he would be glad of some company, someone to take his mind away from places he no longer wanted to stray in to. Where the only image he could see was the last forlorn expression on his wife’s face as she was flung from the deck.

“I’ll be there in a minute,” he replied, inconclusively, for his response sounded neither definite nor vague. The wooden handle of the letter opener was already gripped in his palm. Everybody has a duty.

Mrs.Donovan’s footsteps as she walked downstairs reverberated around the walls and the whole building. Robert trembled a little as the blade slid smoothly through the paper, and revealed its contents. The familiar spirally writing, the black ink and the sudden realisation.

Five minutes later he descended the stairway, with its low ceiling that he avoided banging his head upon, and walked into the front room, where he was greeted with the strong smell of roasted meat and the sight of one of the maids clearing the dinner table. No one else was down yet, and he was saddened a little by that, for he had something positive to say at last.

Mrs.Donovan saw his expression, and the letter grasped defiantly in his fist, almost like a symbol of contrariness. “Mr.Shaw?” she said simply, for there was a subtle understanding between the two of them. Something that transcended the usual awkwardness between the person who paid the rent and the person who collected it.

“I have a ship,” Robert said, and smiled for the first time in months, “An appointment.” A home.

*

Proceed with all despatch to His Britannic Majesty’s ship Pegasus, anchored at Plymouth, the letter had said. Under the command of Captain Robins, she was a 32-gun frigate, with an experienced crew from duty in West Africa and the Caribbean. And joining them was a washed-up Lieutenant with little sea-time under his belt since he had been promoted from Midshipman. Robert was twenty-two, eight years since he had entered service, and three years since he had passed his Lieutenancy test. He was quite junior for a Lieutenant and didn’t expect to hold much seniority upon the Pegasus. That was how it always had been. How it always was. You might put your life on the line and die for His Majesty, but in the end you were just part of a process; a slow process, determined by time and luck, for if other officers didn’t die or change ships you were destined for little.

He sat, pensive, on a chair in the room he would be soon vacating, watching his chest containing all his belongings that would be soon moved to a carriage waiting patiently outside. The storm from last night had finally calmed and left a blanket of white powder melting slowly and stubbornly on the streets and seafront. The gulls squawked to pronounce the morning’s coming, as the sun finally pulled itself over the horizon and brightened the cloudless sky.

There were so many memories in Truro to let go of, and some he’d never be able to. For some reason the town held a special place in his heart: from the marriage of his childhood sweetheart and their live together, and the centuries of his family that had taken residence in the picturesque fishing settlement that had turned his heart on many an occasion.

And now he would leave for Plymouth. The place where several generations of Shaws had also taken up commissions, and sailed across the world. And where his father, over ten years ago, had left for America and never returned.

Death seemed to trace his footsteps wherever he chose to walk. Or was ordered to walk. Everyone close to him was torn away. It didn’t matter where he was. So with a heavy heart, Robert lifted himself from his seat. To hell or high waiter, or wherever the sea would take him. He straightened his bicorne. The sun shone through the window and reflected onto his smartly dressed uniform. There was the recognisable splash of waves from outside as Robert walked out the building, without looking back. To a new life.
Nate wrote:And if YWS ever does become a company, Jack will be the President of European Operations. In fact, I'm just going to call him that anyways.





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Sun Mar 12, 2006 10:42 pm
Areida says...



Wow, Jack, just wow.

My first reaction is the same as CL's: "Oh, mercy. Where's a tissue?"

Like Kay Juran said, I love your use of short sentences, because most of your sentences are long, and so when you throw one in, it's usually a lot more dramatic. At first I was going to berate you for starting out so slowly, no dialogue, no action, just introspection, but it was so well-written and intense that there's no way I could get onto you about it now.

I too liked the little lines of thought, because they really helped me get a good idea of who this man was, what he'd been through, and how he handled situations. I also liked (not much I didn't like, in case you couldn't tell) the fact that you didn't introduce a character, then say, "It had been five months since the accident and he still hadn't forgiven himself. She had fallen overboard one time on the sea and he had swam to find her and screamed and there was no answer. She washed up on shore and he still felt the pain. Robert continued to walk..." Well, not that you would have written it that badly, ever, even if you were trying, but the way you interspersed it really added a dramatic and realistic touch that I don't think would have been there otherwise.

Very nice work overall, Jack, I'm looking forward to reading more as you post! :D

EDIT: And I get more! Only nit-pick I have at the moment is the fact that there doesn't appear to be any space between "Mrs.Donovan" anywhere I've seen her name. I'm not sure if that's a formatting issue that it shows up differently on my computer than it looks on yours or if it's a British thing or what. :P But it just stood out to me.

I'm excited that you're throwing us right into the story instead of meandering around for a bit. So here we go! I'm excited!!! :D
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Sun Mar 12, 2006 10:55 pm
Firestarter says...



Thanks, Ari, means a lot. If you're excited, that shows something. Looks like I might have a few readers breathing down my throat for more and that can only mean a good thing for my productivity levels. And uh, about the "Mrs. Donovan" thing, I think that's probably just bad habits on my part. I'll go and change them at some point.

Oh, and don't worry, I know you love dialogue, so they'll be some more a-coming. And more action. This just had a lot of introspection for the introduction of a character, I guess.
Nate wrote:And if YWS ever does become a company, Jack will be the President of European Operations. In fact, I'm just going to call him that anyways.





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Sun Mar 12, 2006 11:03 pm
Sam says...



Ah, Jack. That's pretty much sums it up...pain and passion amidst the gritty backdrop of early 19th century Britannia? One word- yum.

I'd mainly like to commend you on how much better this this than most of the things you've written insofar. I daresay you've matured a bit more than the last piece you wrote- the aim in this one is not so much 'How many Froggies can I finish off in this paragraph?' it's more, 'How real can I make this to people?'. And with that, human tragedy and the pain that comes along with it is more accurately portrayed than you've ever done it before.

It's a bit rough at the beginning, since you apparently warmed up a bit as you went along (it'll go better with some editing). The burial and all that isn't exactly tissue-worthy (the only thing that made ME weep was the fact that you used the words 'wept' and 'vicar' each twice in the same section) but oh, man, the end is. The end makes you feel all 'WHAT? WHAT JUST HAPPENED?' which is good. In this instance at least. :wink:

Very, very well done.
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Sun Mar 12, 2006 11:44 pm
Misty says...



ho hum. I tried to do an actual crit and I just got, well, you know "nice, great, cool," and so on so forget that. There were a couple of sentence errors like "wetter" and "clummer" that you can fix easily. Other than that, it is quite good. You really make it real, which is something. And I've never read anything that actually seems interesting having to do with water. Except Heart of Darkness. And this starts off far more promisingly. So there's that. Good luck w. this I'm intrigued and ready to read more.





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Mon Mar 13, 2006 6:52 am
Crysi says...



More to read and critique! Yay! :D This weekend has been my Pirates of the Caribbean obsession weekend, so I'm totally in the mood to read this story.

The envelope Mrs.Donovan had given him, when he had finally gained the courage to turn the doorknob, still lay on his desk. So was the hot mug of tea, steaming profusely in the cold surroundings. The fire stuttered even as he nudged it with the poker. It was stubborn in the weather and the embers refused to turn into full-fledged flames. The room was barely warmer than outside, where the snowstorm had only thickened and hardened since he had left it.


Love the details. :)

The envelope was from the Admiralty. Robert had been on half-pay for a year, when his former ship Inflexible was decommissioned. Now, over six months after Britain had joined the First Coalition, six months of surviving on low income and a bored soul, would Robert been given a ship at last. He had served briefly on a sloop that patrolled the south coast, but he had been deemed surplus to requirements and put in reserve again. A similar story for the thousands of Lieutenants in His Britannic Majesty’s Navy.


I really like the little insight into Navy procedures and traits. Brings me into the story even more.

But he didn’t open the letter. The letter opener lay the distance of his arm from his grasp, but he made no effort. Robert knew that after he cut through the paper, and read the orders from the Admiralty he would have to sail on the sea again; the sea that had taken Kate from him. And would have to watch others be taken yet. But at the same time he knew there would be a new place for him, where he belonged. The sea was both his nemesis and his ally.


Good good good. You use "but" a lot in the paragraph, but (hah) I absolutely love the last two sentences. I've been waiting for those sentences this whole time. After all, he wouldn't have continued this far if he didn't feel a calling for it.


“Who is it?” Robert stuttered, his voice cracked because of his surprise, and his sadness.


Blech, Jack! It was excellent until this point. Showing, not telling, would be a good choice here. Even your word choice is too simple. You can do better than that. (Tough love, mate. That's all I'm givin' ya.)


“Jus’ me, Mr.Shaw,” answered a female, drawling in a deep accent. “Food is bein’ served right about now and I was hopin’ you’d come down and that.”


I love the little dialect you put in here! It was easy to "hear" when reading it. Adds a nice touch.

A pause, and a silence. Cut apart by the howling of the wind, and the battering of the icy snow on the window. Robert almost smiled. He suddenly realised he would be glad of some company, someone to take his mind away from places he no longer wanted to stray in to. Where the only image he could see was the last forlorn expression on his wife’s face as she was flung from the deck.


This paragraph didn't flow as easily to me. While I usually don't mind sentence fragments and the like, I think it splits it up too much here. Especially the first two sentences - I had to reread them to understand what you were trying to say.

“I’ll be there in a minute,” he replied, inconclusively, for his response sounded neither definite nor vague. The wooden handle of the letter opener was already gripped in his palm. Everybody has a duty.


Love his determination and decision here.

Proceed with all despatch to His Britannic Majesty’s ship Pegasus, anchored at Plymouth, the letter had said. Under the command of Captain Robins, she was a 32-gun frigate, with an experienced crew from duty in West Africa and the Caribbean. And joining them was a washed-up Lieutenant with little sea-time under his belt since he had been promoted from Midshipman. Robert was twenty-two, eight years since he had entered service, and three years since he had passed his Lieutenancy test. He was quite junior for a Lieutenant and didn’t expect to hold much seniority upon the Pegasus. That was how it always had been. How it always was. You might put your life on the line and die for His Majesty, but in the end you were just part of a process; a slow process, determined by time and luck, for if other officers didn’t die or change ships you were destined for little.


This is a wonderful paragraph, although it took me a few read-throughs to understand that the "washed-up Lieutenant" was Robert.

He sat, pensive, on a chair in the room he would be soon vacating, watching his chest containing all his belongings that would be soon moved to a carriage waiting patiently outside. The storm from last night had finally calmed and left a blanket of white powder melting slowly and stubbornly on the streets and seafront. The gulls squawked to pronounce the morning’s coming, as the sun finally pulled itself over the horizon and brightened the cloudless sky.


The first sentence uses "soon" twice... I'm not sure if that's intentional to emphasize the fact or if it was just a convenient word. You could play it either way, but I think you'd have to add another "soon" if you were going with the first choice or take out a "soon" if you were going with the second.

There were so many memories in Truro to let go of, and some he’d never be able to. For some reason the town held a special place in his heart: from the marriage of his childhood sweetheart and their live together, and the centuries of his family that had taken residence in the picturesque fishing settlement that had turned his heart on many an occasion.


"live" should be "life," and I think the "and" in the second part of the sentence should be "to" since you started it off with "from."

And now he would leave for Plymouth. The place where several generations of Shaws had also taken up commissions, and sailed across the world. And where his father, over ten years ago, had left for America and never returned.


Ooh, I like the somewhat mysterious and apprehensive feel of this paragraph.

Death seemed to trace his footsteps wherever he chose to walk. Or was ordered to walk. Everyone close to him was torn away. It didn’t matter where he was. So with a heavy heart, Robert lifted himself from his seat. To hell or high waiter, or wherever the sea would take him. He straightened his bicorne. The sun shone through the window and reflected onto his smartly dressed uniform. There was the recognisable splash of waves from outside as Robert walked out the building, without looking back. To a new life.


I'm not sure "Or was ordered to walk" should be a separate sentence. While it's a good point, I think it might cut the flow a bit... I'm not sure about it. And I think you meant "To hell or high water" instead of "waiter," lol. I love this paragraph otherwise.

So far so good, eh? Heck, you even got me to postpone watching PotC for a third time AND you got me to critique late at night. That's quite an achievement, lol. Well done.
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Mon Mar 13, 2006 7:56 am
Firestarter says...



Crysi! Thank you!

Sam -

I'd mainly like to commend you on how much better this this than most of the things you've written insofar. I daresay you've matured a bit more than the last piece you wrote- the aim in this one is not so much 'How many Froggies can I finish off in this paragraph?' it's more, 'How real can I make this to people?'. And with that, human tragedy and the pain that comes along with it is more accurately portrayed than you've ever done it before.


Yes, that's unfortunately pretty true - I was pretty obsessed with killing lots of people last time.

Oh, and thanks for making it Featured Story! Wow.

And thanks for picking out those things Misty, I'll change 'em.
Nate wrote:And if YWS ever does become a company, Jack will be the President of European Operations. In fact, I'm just going to call him that anyways.





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Mon Mar 13, 2006 2:23 pm
Niamh says...



This is really a brilliant beginning. The only thing I can comment on, is that a few of the sentences are a little choppy, and I would suggest trying to combine them, espeically descriptive sentences. Other than that, I can't wait to read more!
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