Spoiler! :
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“Don't call me that.” my voice was deadly calm.
“Carnelian!!!” it was Da. He was angry again.
I sighed as his heavy footsteps sounded on the hard ground before me. What is it now? I wondered as I let my feet hang down almost to the ground. I was sitting comfortably on our porch swing reading an article in The High Country Times and Da had the nerve to interrupt me.
Even when he was standing on the bottom step of the front porch I had to look up at my Da. At 6'5”, my Da was a giant of a man. But gentle as a newborn lamb.
Take out that last sentence. You already told us that, and it just sounds repetative.I would always blush and mutter something about that never being true. And then their warm laughter would fill the house and chase away all the cold. Until she died of smallpox a few years back.
This sentence is inconsistent with the rest of the narration because it sounds like her dialogue, but before in the narration she talked more modern. Pick one and stick with it. Personally, I would keep the narration proper grammar and only use things like "a'lettin'" in dialogue.I had yet to get lunch ready and still do my chores. I had no time to be a'lettin' me thoughts wander towards Ely.
Ok, so thoughts can be like her dialogue, but I would change the "ta" in the last sentence to "to". Also, if this is historical, two years older for a guy is nothing. Girls married men in their like 30's when they were like 12. I might be exaggerating, but I mean, 2 years wouldn't make a difference.Oh Lordy Lou, I thought and leaned on the counter top, resting a hand on my racing heart, I can't be a'thinkin' 'bout 'im!! I have work ta do! Besides, he's two years older than me!! He would never go fer the likes o' me. Even as I made this argument though, I was convinced that me and Ely were meant ta be.
That's adorable. I love those lines.He smiled at me and I swear I melted like butter set out in the summer heat. I would've done anything and everything Ely had asked of me. Even burn the biscuits.
“Miss O'Connell,” he said, “I believe you're about to burn your biscuits.”
I suspect you didn't mean to make that a seperate paragraph.Laughing, he held me up, not once
complaining.
Yelping seems a little strange there. I don't know why. And it seems weird the way he asked the question. Make it seem more realistic.“I take it you liked my kiss?” he asked me.
“Liked it?” I yelped, “I loved it!”
comma instead of period after "that" and "out" because you use tags after.“Don't call me that.” my voice was deadly calm.
“Why not?”
“Get out.” I growled, growing furious.
I would take out "incident" and "in my thinking" because they sounds awkward in that sentence, I think.After that incident, I thought I would never see him again, but I was wrong in my thinking.
At 6'5”, my Da was a giant of a man. But gentle as a newborn lamb.
People often wondered what my mother had seen in Aidan O'Connell. And whenever they had asked her, Erlina O'Connell had just smiled and gotten that faraway look in her eyes that meant she was thinking of her man.
“I'm sorry I blamed you.” he said quickly.
It wasn't often the boys got to see their boss being reprimanded by his 14 year old daughter.
“Gunther.” he replied.
Eyes like spring grass, is what Momma had always said when she described my Da.
“Yes, ma'am.” he answered, seemingly docile.
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