Young Writers Society

The cage door creaked open on its rusty hinges and I was dragged out by my collar. A large firm hand shoved me along the corridor, dingy light bulbs sputtering dimly in the dark casting a faint orange circle in the hall. The musty smell of blood and mold filled my lungs with each breath I took. Pleas for mercy and for death echoed all around me. The corridor opened up to a hall, one side made of cement with the white tile gray from mold, on the other side was a row of pillars also covered with white tile, though stained pink. The screams of pain, the crying, and the sound of flesh hitting flesh, and flesh hitting cement grew louder, as the smell of blood and urine grew stronger. The feeling of death and pain was strong; I could smell the fear and the sadness as easily as I could smell the blood and grime.

My heart thudded in my chest as I was shoved into a pit. It looked like I was in an empty pool house, or a bath house of some sort. The artificial light was bright and hummed high above me casting a pool of florescent light over me. Through the darkness beyond the light I could see the faint yellow glow, and more rusty red cages deep inside the darkness. I could see the eyes of other children, their eyes sad and empty. I could never imagine what would cause such pain.

In the distance I heard the sound of a skull cracking open against something hard, the steps to the empty pool most likely. There was a high pitched scream and then sobbing, uncontrollable sobbing. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I listened. I heard the sound of a gun and then shaky breathing, pained breathing as a body fell to the ground. There was a few seconds of complete silence where all I heard was the hum of the lights, and the drip, drip, drip, of water hitting metal and then a puddle. Then the horrid sounds of fighting sounded again.

In front of me stood a boy, he wasn’t so much a boy rather than a boney young man who looked about eighteen. His eyes were dead and cold, but as he looked me up and down a tiny ghost of a smile came to his lips. He took two long strides toward me and I stumbled back. “I want you to kill me… I can’t take any more of this…” His voice was low, very low and soft, full of bottled up sorrow. “Please… I’ll teach you everything I can… but I can’t take this anymore… I’ve been here for too long.”

“I-I don’t want to kill you,” my voice shook with tears as my vision blurred. “I don’t, I don’t…”

“Please… you have to… just make it fast… and I’ll teach you everything… how to kill… how to stay alive…” He put a hand on my cheek, whipping the tears away. Such gentle hands for someone who’s known nothing but pain. I had to help him… I had to… I nodded quickly sniffling. “First… you always have to fight… or else he’ll shoot you both in the stomach… you die painfully slowly that way… so hit me… give me your best.”

I shook my head and heard the click of a gun being ready to fire. Then I felt the sting of a fist in my stomach. I fell on my back sobbing. “Get up… hit me…” I slowly got to my feet and looked at him, his eyes were pained; they were gentle eyes. “I can tell you have strength and a merciful soul… you’re a clever girl… you can get everyone out of here… hit me.” I nodded and then swung. “Harder,” I hit him again. “Again… harder! Harder god dammit!” I shuddered as I hit him over and over again. Finally he fell back blood on his face. “Good… better… work on that…”

My whole body was shaking, I could feel the other eyes on me, calculating, judging me. “Next thing to know… death is better than a life like this… so always kill them… but make sure they’re asleep before you do, no one sleeps well around here… if ever. They relive everything they’ve done… so make sure they’re asleep before you kill them. Make it quick and painless.” He nodded toward the stairs; the corner of each stair was caked with dried blood, which had puddle there. “Always use the stairs if you can. That will make them unconscious… then finish them… it doesn’t hurt anymore.

“When you can’t use the stairs you can strangle them… though you’re awfully tiny.” He looked at me again and then looked up. “Keep hitting me… go for my neck…” I did as I was told. Though I moved and hit him, I wasn’t in the fight; I was looking on as if watching it from above. “When your opponent is bigger than you, like I am, be quick, they can’t hit you if they can’t catch you. Always be quick…” He hit me and I went flying backward. Then he made me move quickly, back and forth and around. “If your opponent is quicker than you and seems to only be running… they’re waiting you out… trying to make you tired… so always use two thirds of your energy… seem weaker than you are.” He nodded as I began to catch on.

“If you’re fighting a child… someone much younger than you… do not hesitate in killing them… do not let them grow up only knowing this life… it is up to you to make sure that they are happy… always happy… that means you have to kill them. Let them die with their good memories… not the painful ones brought on by this place. And one more thing… when someone no longer wishes to fight… they’ll look down and then look up at you… as if nodding or bowing their heads. Always abide by their choice. If you refuse them they will not move and you will both be shot. Remember… always let them sleep before you kill them, be quick, use two thirds of your energy, let the children live happy, and show mercy to those who can no longer take this life.”

More tears flowed down my cheeks. I knew what would be next. “W-what’s your name?” I asked, through my sobs.
He looked startled at my question, but then he actually smiled. He knew that was my way of saying I’d do it… I’d show mercy to him who could no longer take this life. “Matt… Matt Springfield…”

“I’m Lailie Jackson,” I said with a shaky breath.

“Lailie… that’s a pretty name… Lailie… Lailie… make sure you get them out… think of a way to save us all…” I cried and nodded promising him that I would try. Then his head bowed low and he looked me in the eyes, he had pretty green eyes… even if they were dead eyes.

Matt was the first friend I made in that nightmare, the first person I ever saw dead… the first person I ever killed… But he had been dead the first time he killed someone, and now I too was dead.

Everyone grew silent as I shut his eyes, his pretty green eyes, no longer burdened by pain and sorrow, no longer chained to this place. The fights in the next empty pool went quiet as they too, took a moment to show their respect to the dead warrior. They all envied him; he was free of this place, free and at peace. Happy once again.

Hello! Little Princess, here for a review.

I love the vagueness of the opening paragraph. There is enough description to give the reader a proper sense of what is going on and a great image but we are left wanting more, thus the reader is hooked. However, you never actually explain what is going on. Your imagery and tone are great and there is nothing you need to change particularly about that but it just doesn't make sense. Since this is not a realistic situation there needs to be background, how they got there, what their purpose is, etc, etc.

Just one thing I noticed;

a tiny ghost of a smile came to his lips. He took two long strides toward me and I stumbled back. “I want you to kill me… I can’t take any more of this…” His voice was low, very low and soft, full of bottled up sorrow.

The two images here don't exactly correspond, is he smiling when he says this? That's possible but it doesn't work with the dialogue or the description of his speech.

I liked the philosophical attitude a lot, I think that you really represented well a situation of harder than death terms.

One problem however, was that the discussion between your two characters seemed hardly realistic to me, not very believable.
conversations don't start that way, and this whole discussion of him teaching her his 'rules' isn't realistic- which leads me to my two other problems-
A. The conversation was filled with way too many '...' I know it seemed appropriate, especially in the whole dark, uncertain feeling you expressed so well- but after a while, it became nothing more than an eye-sore, I was sick of '...'

B. The rules: I'm truly sorry, but some of the rules were either impossible, preposterous or unrealistic.
I won't go to the detail of every single one and I'll just use the most disturbing one- in my opinion- as an example.

"so always use two thirds of your energy"
Two thirds of your energy does not exist, the whole "part of one's energy\power" is a book stereotype.
In real life, people don't just use their energy as divides, I suggest leaving it, or at least saying it as 'Don't spend all of your energy' because that- from the other hand is humanly possible.

Aside from those, I clearly loved your story(though it was just a well disguised dialogue) and eagerly wait for more.
Keep writing,
SubjectBlue.

Hey,
I have to admit the story was both great and haunting. Your a really good writer. I like how there is an air of mystery as to what kind of place they are in and why they are there. You also have a lot of vived details that really show the horror of that place the description was great. Also the only mistake that stood out to me after reading was:
"Harder god Dammit" when you are writing that sentence instead of capitolizing the D in damnit, capitolize god.
FRor the most part this was really good. Also where did you get the idea for this because it's kinda scary in a good way.

This was an interesting piece. I won't say I enjoyed it - it's not that kind of stroy - but you certainly do atmosphere very well. The descriptions were good - as others have said, some are vague, but this vagueness in describing the place is good. Sometimes leaving it up to our own imaginations works the best.

Some people have a problem with the "rules" that govern these children. I think perhaps, they would be more easily accepted if they weren't called rules. If Matt had come to Lailie and pleaded with her to be merciful - and in ways become something of a mentor to the others, as he is asking her to find a way out, it may be considered more realistic. I know this is not the only "rule" here though. Perhaps if you don't categorise them as rules - it's Matt telling her how to survive this place..

A little more background would have been nice - but this is intentionally vague corrrect? Maybe a few more hints as to why it's children that these people are capturing and forcing to fight would have made it cleaner.

Froggy4224 said about capitalising the "g" in the "Harder god dammit!" part. You've since changed the story, so I presume there was a typo. Still, I'm glad you did not capitalise "god", since I don't think there is a "God" where these children are. Some people may try and argue that - so I'll say this - to the children, I certainly doubt there is any "God" for them whatsoever anymore.

All in all... I enjoyed the read (though not the content).
Well worth my time for the feelings of unease you created.

Hi there,
This was really eerie, and creepy. Well done!! The description was perfect, it's like I was there with the character, seeing, hearing and smelling everything she did. Awesome. Well, awesomely disturbing.
But I wasn't sure what was going on at all. Maybe it's symbolism for something, or maybe I'm just dumb. xD It's like..where are they? What's going on? Cause when she was dragged out of the cage, I pictured some guard carrying her out, and when Matt was talking to her, I thought he would be teaching her how to get out, how to fight the guards, but obviously not...the guards wouldn't accept that.
Maybe you could make that a little more clear? And also, get rid of the ellipses. Avoid ellipses as much as you can. They suck.