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Brides to Darkness



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Fri Aug 12, 2011 2:11 am
Djinn says...



Brides to Darkness

Today was like any other day at the farm. My mother was working in our tiny and sufficient vegetable garden and my father plowing in the family field with my little brother. In the distance I could see the lumber mill and the quarry and if I squinted, and had enough imagination, I thought I could see the mines. Above all of us the castle loomed like an impending storm on the horizon. I took in a deep breath. The smell of dirt and water mixing to make mud was a familiar and reliable smell. No one was the same once they smelled the sweat of a good days work.
The breeze blew and puffed up my dress high enough that I had to hold it down and look to make sure no one saw. Like I said before, today was any other day at the family farm here in our cozy little cottage in Talisar.
I was in the kitchen when it happened.
A man, a man who worked at the mine a while away, came running down the path.
“Attack! Attack! They’re here! Help! Attack!”
At first, I didn’t know what he was talking about. Neither did anyone else it seemed because everyone was frozen staring at the man from the mine. He was panting as if he ran all the way from the mine without stopping, which he probably did. He wheezed pointing back the way he came before he passed out completely. Still, no one moved. No one moved till a pool of blood around the poor man slowly formed. The wife of the man from across the street had stolen herself to go out to the bleeding man in the middle of the path. Everyone watched, silent, as she bent over him.
“Dead.” She announced, as if everyone thought that he might be alright with just a glass of water and some sleep.
Then, the worst thing happened that I have never forgotten: we heard the noise, the noise of a thousand marching men coming towards us. As if a spell had been broken the people I have known since I was born, the same people who would look down at you if you made a squeak in prayer time, the same people who would be appalled if a lady tripped on a stone while walking, those people ran and screamed and yelled and kicked like wild animals. My mother threw her seeds down and ran into the cottage. My father pushed my little brother on the ground and ran for the pitch fork that was against our barn door. People were throwing babies out of their arms so they could run just a little bit faster. But I just stood there. I just stood there watching their odd behavior and stayed watching as the army marched in and slaughtered anyone they could find. People I’ve known and thought I understood became strange blobs of flesh and bloody puddles. Like cattle, we were mowed down and forgotten about. I heard in the distance someone yelling that the castles walls were closed. With this piece of information, the people I watched became even more hysteric as they grabbed anything lying down and found a way to us it as a weapon. Up on the hill I saw my brother had an oddly contorted leg jutting out in the wrong direction. I saw him waver and shudder and finally tripped where he was trampled over by the rampaging ox with the plow still attached. I saw my mother being raped in the pantry closet as she called out for my father. I looked and saw my father fighting with a woman for the pitch fork. He pulled and punched her till he had it in his hands. Finally with the pitch fork he turned and ran. He ran away even though I knew he clearly heard my mother. No one was a human that day. Fear makes people do horrible, irrational, and terrible things. Since that day, I have never trusted anyone, which is how I was able to survive at all.
~When life hands you lemons, make grape juice and have everyone wonder how you did it!

~Taking imagination to a whole new level
  





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Fri Aug 12, 2011 3:24 am
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emalily says...



Wow, what a powerful story. I could easily imagine the horror of what was going on, and it made me feel sick to my stomach, which I guess was what you wanted, so well done.
There's just a few things I would change. I'll just bold my suggestions. Feel free to disregard them though!

Djinn wrote:
Brides to Darkness

Today was like any other day at the farm. My mother was working in our tiny but sufficient vegetable garden and my father plowing in the family field with my little brother. In the distance I could see the lumber mill and the quarry, and if I squinted, and had enough imagination, I thought I could see the mines. Above all of I would get rid of all of us the castle loomed like an impending storm on the horizon. I took in a deep breath. The smell of dirt and water mixing to make mud was a familiar and reliable smell. No one was the same once they smelled the sweat of a good days work.
The breeze blew and puffed up my dress high enough that I had to hold it down and look to make sure no one saw. Like I said before, today was any other day at the family farm here in our cozy little cottage in Talisar.
I was in the kitchen when it happened.
A man,I think this would be just as effective with only one "a man" a man who worked at the mine a while away, came running down the path.
“Attack! Attack! They’re here! Help! Attack!”
At first, I didn’t know what he was talking about. Neither did anyone else it seemed because everyone was frozen staring at the man from the mine. He was panting as if he ran all the way from the mine without stopping, which he probably didI don't think you need "which he probably did" you could just leave it.. He wheezed pointing back the way he came before he passed out completely. Still, no one moved. No one moved till a pool of blood around the poor man slowly formed. The wife of the man from across the street had stolen herself to go out to the bleeding man in the middle of the path. Everyone watched, silent, as she bent over him.
“Dead.” She announced, as if everyone thought that he might be alright with just a glass of water and some sleep. I like this line :)
Then, the worst thing happened. Something that I have never forgotten. The noise of a thousand marching men coming towards us. As if a spell had been broken the people I have known since I was born, the same people who would look down at you if you made a squeak in prayer time, the same people who would be appalled if a lady tripped on a stone while walking, those people ran and screamed and yelled and kicked like wild animals. My mother threw her seeds down and ran into the cottage. My father pushed my little brother on the ground and ran for the pitch fork that was against our barn door. People were throwing babies out of their arms so they could run just a little bit faster. But I just stood there. I just stood there watching their odd behavior and stayed watching as the army marched in and slaughtered anyone they could find. People I’ve known and thought I understood became strange blobs of flesh and bloody puddles. Like cattle,great simile! we were mowed down and forgotten about. I heard in the distance someone yelling that the castles walls were closed. With this piece of information, the people I watched became even more hysteric as they grabbed anything lying down and found a way to us it as a weapon. Up on the hill I saw my brother had an oddly contorted leg jutting out in the wrong direction. I saw him waver and shudder and finally tripped where he was trampled over by the rampaging ox with the plow still attached. I saw my mother being raped in the pantry closet as she called out for my father. I looked and saw my father fighting with a woman for the pitch fork. He pulled and punched her till he had it in his hands. Finally with the pitch fork he turned and ran. He ran away even though I knew he clearly heard my mother. No one was a human that day. Fear makes people do horrible, irrational, and terrible things. Since that day, I have never trusted anyone, which is how I was able to survive at all.


Great job!
If I die young
bury me in satin
lay me down on a bed of roses
sink me in the river, at dawn
send me away with the words of a love song
<3
  





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Fri Aug 12, 2011 4:02 am
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SubjectBlue says...



I liked it, you wrote harshly, cruelly, with no compassion to your characters- You wrote real, that's really rare.

I thought, though, that you overdid it a little, at some point, you just kept on and on about how fear and hysteria change people though it was pretty obvious by then.

Also, I thought that your MC behavior was hardly believable, was she not afraid? did she had no compassion for the pain of others? It's not strictly your fault, the over blown-idea of being frozen in shock is pushed hardly and used often in modern literature, in reality however, people tend to get over shock surprisingly fast.

The last thing that bothered me about the whole MC thing, is how come no-one killed her? maybe I missed an essential part, but from what I've understood, she just stood there, unscratched, while everyone was brutally raped and slaughtered around her, which is a bit confusing.

But aside from my little rantings, I thought it was great, and a well deserved, though short, piece.
Keep writing!
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Fri Aug 12, 2011 4:47 am
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Kafkaescence says...



This all sounded a bit rushed, didn't it.

Yes: to describe a scene as large, as intense as this, it takes time, otherwise your diction ends up ends up sounding awfully halted and impetuous. Patience is key if you want something like this to have any effect at all on the reader. Transitions will feel much more natural, descriptions more fluent, and story easier to follow. Never let the quality of your writing be anchored down by hastiness. Quality, not quantity - that is what is important. So be thoughtful; take your time, spread things out. You'll be surprised at how much more powerful your writing will sound.

I was in the kitchen when it happened.

You trip over your own feet here. And how unfortunate - you were just finding a good pace for yourself. This is exactly what I mean when I say that you need to spread things out. You can't just decide to lurch your story in a completely different direction; it must be a gradual change, a subtle, skillful one. This is imperative if you are to avoid completely estranging your readers.

Your moral, which can be summed up by "fear makes people do horrible, irrational, and terrible things," is powerful but ill-founded. You take a real risk in suggesting that honor, that morality, is whisked away into nonexistence in the face of fear.

But, while this may be true of some people, it cannot possibly be said to be true of everyone, and this is where I find your story to be ultimately impracticable. Because you say that mothers threw their babies to the ground so that they could run faster, that a man would shove his son to the ground trying to get to a pitchfork, and that that same man would leave his own wife to die, and things like that just don't happen. They don't.

Also unrealistic is the fact that the narrator simply stood, slightly bewildered, from what I gather, in the middle of the skirmish, and managed somehow to remain unscathed? You're not being too fair to the people who actually took action and attempted an escape, but were killed. And then you offer an extremely strange explanation:
Since that day, I have never trusted anyone, which is how I was able to survive at all.

How does this apply? Would not trusting anyone help her survive that day? So you give us some insight into what was going through her mind, then: instead of standing there simply trying to make her mind react, she stood there and refused to trust anyone. You have yet to convince me that it was mistrustfulness, and not running away, that helped her survive. Because who does she have not to trust, the soldiers? And you don't give any scenario where your rule would apply.

Well! That's it for my review. If you have any questions, please feel free to PM me.

Keep writing.

-Kafka
#TNT

WRFF
  





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Fri Aug 12, 2011 4:54 am
Djinn says...



Hey, Thanks sooo much for the comments!!! Since I wrote this is in a past voice I wanted it to be more about the things she saw rather than did. I'm not saying she just stood there, it's just that as she was moving she was still marvaling about what was happening around her. Part of it was the present person relating what happened, so it probably wouldn't be so much of what she did when the people attacked, just of her experiance while it happened. When, at the end, I said that not trusting anyone is how she survived, I wasn't talking about the attack, simply her life. Thanks soooooo much for commenting!!!!!
~When life hands you lemons, make grape juice and have everyone wonder how you did it!

~Taking imagination to a whole new level
  





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Mon Aug 15, 2011 1:22 am
babymagic18 says...



I really enjoyed your begining it was strong! I could really get a picture for where your character lived as well that's one thing I really look for when I am reading others work if they have the ability to really get a picture to form in my mind. I guess it has something to do with being a visual learner or something. Anyway the only negitive thing I would have to say is really read everything you write out loud that way when you see any misplacings you have made or would like to change. Other than that this was a fine piece of work! I enjoed reading it!
  





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Mon Aug 15, 2011 2:18 pm
IKnowAll says...



How would she see all that stuff from the kitchen though? Just a thought. There's probably a simple explanation, but it would be nice to know how... Pretty freaky stuff. I doubt it would be that extreme, but disney makes things extreme all the time and it turns out better than if not. Although I think most people that see this will be afraid to post a comment, and do the terrible thing of not liking this. Great job! Later.
"It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble. It's what you know for sure that just ain't so."
-Mark Twain
  





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Mon Aug 15, 2011 10:30 pm
Justlittleoleme says...



I enjoyed the beginning of the story. I was able to connect with it and I got a pretty good idea of where your character was from. I do feel that you description of complete panic, though powerful and bold, was a little over done. For example no real mother would toss her child to the ground, and no loving father would fight for ownership of a weapon only to run away and leave his wife and children to die. Just think about it. An attack like that is already terrible. Women really do get raped and children really do get killed and neighbors really do turn to animals in their attempt to escape, but mothers will remain mothers and fathers will remain fathers because their family is their life. Get it?

Just trying to give my overall impression of it. I really did enjoy this story a lot to be honest ;)
  








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