Young Writers Society

13 + for language, violence, and sesuality much later in the story

Well, this would be my first story thread...but I can't get to my story right now.

Here's a short overview;

Allistaire "Hunter" Sinclair (hence my screen name) is not normal. He has known this for many years, but has not been able to put his finger on what about him is not right.

One night, when he is but a mere child of 12, he will experience something that will change his life forever. Lured to a mansion by a haunting dream filled with blood and darkness, he will encounter beings that do not die...or are they already dead?

Within the mansion, he will be forced to make a decision that no one should have to make; kill your friends, or be killed by them?


Book One of Chronicles of the Dhampir: Emergence

here's the first part of chapter 1...

"Come to me...I am so...hungry...” the strange, melodic voice echoes through the wooden halls as the boy walks down the dark corridor. Bloodstains cover the walls, and the smell of putrefied flesh and the metallic stench of blood assaults the youth’s nose. Off to his left, a sound draws his attention. He whirls to face it, squinting into the darkness. He sees nothing, Hesitantly, he turns away and continues down the hall, the ancient floorboards creaking under his weight.

Barely distinguishable through the darkness, he sees a door at the end of the long hall. As the he nears it, the details of it become more clear to him. Made completely of ebony, the massive door towers ominously over him. The golden doorknob is carved into the likeness of a howling demon, its fanged maw wide open in a shriek. The warped doorframe is etched in painstakingly intricate archaic runes, completely alien to the youth. Almost instinctively, he runs a hand over the minuscule runes. At his touch, they glow with sudden brilliance, shining with crimson light. Before he can even reach for the doorknob, the door flies open soundlessly. Beyond the door he can see nothing but the blackest of darkness.

Frightened but curious, the boy steps through the doorway. A slight tingling sensation runs courses through his body sending shivers up his spine. The chilling darkness envelopes him as he steps through the door. For a moment he is blind. Slowly, the room he has walked into comes into focus.

“Jesus,” he whispers to the darkness. Bodies lie all around him, forming a macabre circle around the center of the room. Each body is different, yet chillingly similar. All are young women, no older than himself. Each one bleeds from a gaping wound at its neck, as if the body had fallen mere moments before the boy entered the room. He tears his gaze away from the grotesque sight.

The boy looks around the room. Every square inch of the room is covered in the same archaic runes as the door frame. As his feet touch the runes on the floor, they flash a brilliant red. One by one, the runes light up, until the whole room is illuminated in a crimson glow. A chair sits in the center of the room, its back to him. He takes a tentative step toward it, carefully stepping over the bodies. As the sole of the boy’s foot touches the floor, a soft, sensual voice rings through his ears.

“I knew you would come. They always come. You are no different. Nothing but a fool.”

The boy gathers his courage, “Who are you? Why do you haunt me?”

At his question, chair begins to rotate. At first, all he can see is a shock of flowing silver hair and the soft curve of a feminine body.

“You will find out soon enough, Hunter Wolff. Very soon,” the voice promises. The figure in the chair is still shrouded in darkness. The boy squints his eyes, hoping to discover some details about the mysterious woman sitting in front of him. Try as he might, his vision cannot penetrate the blackness that covers the woman. The woman opens her mouth to speak, but the voice that speaks is not the same voice. A new voice splits the darkness.

“Hunter--Hunter wake--”

Hunter wrote:"Come to me...I am so...hungry...” the strange, melodic voice echoes through the wooden halls as the boy walks down the dark corridor. ”

Okay...Good but maybe start differently.. Begin by describing the boy and substitute a more descriptive word for walks. After you do that, say the "Come to me...I am so...hungry" the strage, melodic voicec echoed.

So try this... The tall, thin boy crept down the dark corridor. A strange, melodic voice echoed through the wooden halls... "Come to me...I am so...hungry..."

I dunno, just food for thought.

Hunter wrote: He sees nothing, Hesitantly, he turns away and continues down the hall, the ancient floorboards creaking under his weight. ”

Maybe change it to: Seeing nothing, he hesitantly turns away and continues down the hall, the ancient floorboards creaking under his weight.

Hunter wrote:
At the end of the hall he can barely make out a door. ”

Change it to something else like; Barely distinguishable through the darkness, he sees a door at the end of the long hall.



Overall, very, very good. You left me hanging and it was quick reading... I just made a few simple suggestions, please feel free to ignore them;)
One more thing....You MUST WRITE MOR!!!!

Nikki

*laughs evilly* believe me, I have this story coming out my ears...there is much more to come...just gotta go get my disk...

oh, and most of the dream is writen in a very specific styling, but I will take these edits in consideration...

I LOVE THIS!!!

I rarely read scary stories anymore.. but this is EXCELLENT! I love how you use present tense.. and it's just such a creepy atmosphere.. Gah, it sends shivers down my spine!

Maybe I'm just easily scared

Yes, it's really creepy! the thing about you describing the stench of the blood and stuff...yecch, really realistic! And that creepy lady and all the decapitated dead girls in a circle...something's afoot! This is really, really cool. I can't wait to read more of it.

A slight tingling sensation runs courses through his body sending shivers up his spine.

The phrase "runs courses" sounds redundant. And I still think first person is better for parts that Hunter experiences. I mean, if you do 3rd person for the whole thing, then I would probably need to too to keep things consistent.

that's cuz it's not supposed to be there Bobo. I switched the words and must have missed the delete button


thanks for the comments, more as I get to it

enjoy!!

***


“-- up! Hunter!” I awoke abruptly as someone shook me by roughly by the shoulders.

“I’m awake, get off me,” I groaned groggily.

“Wake up dammit!” the voice sounded familiar. Finally I opened my eyes. I focused my sleep filled vision on the face in front of me. The features of Mike Reynolds came into focus.

“Mike? What--where am I?” I asked my friend. I slowly came to the realization that I was not in my comfy, queen-sized bed in my house. I standing in the middle of a massive, weed infested yard in font of a colossal mansion.

I turned to Mike, “Why are we standing in front of the Moonshine Manor?”

“I have no idea. I was walking by, and saw you standing there, looking up at the mansion,” my friend answered.

I glanced down at his watch, “Walking by? It’s midnight. Do you always walk around more than a mile from your house in the middle of the night?”

Mike looked around, confused. “Is it that late?” he asked. “I didn’t think--no, wait...” he trailed off.

“Mike,” I said, drawing his attention back to the dilemma at hand.

“Yeah?” Michael replied, looking down at me.

“Why are you out at midnight?”

“I can’t remember...I don’t remember why I left my house,” Michael sounded confused. “I remember walking through that gate--” I glanced to the entrance in question. Something about it seemed oddly familiar. Maybe it was the demonic likenesses on the lock, or the intricate carvings around the gateposts; something about it sent chills up his spine. “--but I don’t remember why I walked through the gate,” Mike finished exasperatedly.

I barely heard him. I struggled to remember where I had seen this doorway before. In my mind’s eye, I saw flashes of an ebony door, a room full of alien runes, and blood. My eyes snapped open.

“I--I dreamt about this place,” I mumbled under my breath. “It was in my dream.”

“Yeah. Whatever, Hunter,” Mike said, rolling his eyes sarcastically. Mike opened his mouth to say something else, but was instantly cut off by an unearthly scream from within the mansion.

“What...was that?” I asked shakily. Mike said nothing, just stood there motionless.

After a moment of silence, Mike said, “Let’s check it out.” I had a terrible feeling, deep in my heart, that something was very wrong with this place.

“No way, Mike,” I replied quickly.

“Oh come on Hunter, quit being a pansy!” Mike exclaimed. I ran a hand through my long, wavy blonde hair. Before I could respond, a third voice cut in.

“I agree with Hunter.”

Mike and I whirled about to see Aiden Ethlebert--the third of our trio of friends--standing near the gate to the manor.

“What are you doing here, Aiden?” Mike demanded. The situation was getting strange indeed.

“I...” he paused for a moment, obviously nervous about telling us.

“Spit it out Aiden!” Mike said forcefully.

“I was called...by voice in my dreams. When I woke up, the voice was still there...” he said. He sounded as if he did not believe it himself.

“So God talks to you in your sleep now too, does he?” I scoffed. Aiden’s eyes narrowed.

“This was nothing like God. The voice was evil, filled with infernal allure and forbidden desires.” I slapped a palm to my forehead.

I'm not that elaborate! Wow! NIce writing, Hunter! I know I've read this before, but it looks like you changed it -ish. I loke how Bob sneaks up on Hunter and Mike (almost called him Gary lol). Post more... although you may want to wait for more comments...

This is a totally different version, completely from scrath...I pretty much scrapped my 80 page one, and only have it aorund for reference...

oh, wow! You are seriouslyTOO good! This book is seriously TOO GOOD! IT was so disgusting yet totally believable. And I thought my writing was grisly...ack! This sent chills up my spine and I had to turn around to make sure my parents weren't about to walk in on me...the one thing I'd say is I wouldn't have Hunter say "Jesus," but I'm a Christian, you know. Maybe another swear word, but not Jesus. Good job, I love this!

I hate to give anything away, but pretty much everything asnyone says or does in this book has significance. Surprisingly, I like many religious things into the book later on, as Bobo can attest to...it's all quite elaborate and confusing, really...hopefully I get it all worked out before I post it ::wink::

Thanks for the comment Misty, I may be able to work in a different sentence there, but it does set Hunter's character for the rest of the novel. It shows that 1) he's obviously not religious and 2) he doesn't care if anyone else knows it. (I'll still try hard to work something else in, I hadn't taken into account the reactions of the readers)

you're welcome. I love books like that. But with the whole Jesus thing, well I actually have a habit of adding, "loves you" whenever someone says that around me. It hasn't made them stop yet...some people laugh and some glare...lol.

That kind of stuff can get annoying if people don't care about what they say. Anyways, for further enrichment, read Boundless (in the Fantasy section). It has the same characters and intertwines with this story. Anyways, you better never give this story up, Hunter!